Not Broken, Just Bent

Well, it's been about a week and a half since I had that panic attack, since I felt sick. This feeling I felt slowly went away and I had been doing very well until yesterday when I had a mini panic attack. It's so hard to explain the way I feel... it's just a snowball effect of feelings that just get worse the more I think about it. Yesterday was bad only while I was driving home from dinner. It took all of my energy to not freak out and pull over and just breathe. How and why is this happening to me is what I think about all the time. Why can't I be normal? I guess I've always been weird.

I've read that people usually develop these feelings and fears in the late 20's and early 30's. This anxiety about life and where your life is going. So I don't feel particularly singled out I just wish I didn't feel this way. Most people have started a family by now and have careers and I feel stuck in this limbo of uncertainty. But that's not so bad. I'm not the only one who is confused and scared about the future. What I've learned this past few days is that I don't have to change the way I feel, I have to learn how to feel differently. Basically learn to hand situation with the right feelings.

I dunno, I have a headache.

I know I'm not broken. I have just lost touch with myself. It's so hard to focus on yourself when life is calling for your attention. Work pulls you one way, family another, friends another, school another. It seems like there is never any time for yourself and perhaps that's what freaks me out sometimes even though I'm not conscious about it. I used to spend a lot of time to myself because I played a lot of games or just didn't have anyone to hang out with. Now I go to school, work, have friends and it feels like I can't just BE. I love being alone and doing nothing, or doing whatever I want. But I always feel guilty when I am just sitting and doing nothing, which makes me get up and do things.

It's OK to do nothing. To just be. Go to work, have fun, but don't let it consume you. Do the same with school. It's ok to stand back and walk away from responsibilities for a little while. Even if it's for just 10 minutes. It's OK to stay at home, do nothing. It's OK to be selfish.

I'm currently watching Inception special features and it's all about dreams. I'm freaking out! And I love dreams! Let's all day dream.