This year's Christmas was fun. It's fun every year because I get to spend it with Vince and his family. This year, I opened at work on Christmas Eve and then drove over to Anaheim for Christmas dinner. The food was delicious!!! Especially the green beans! After dinner we opened presents and I got a bunch of cool stuff. I used to not care about getting presents but in recent years I've learned to become selfish and I love getting presents! D: does that make me a bad person? I dunno. Vince got me the super awesome monitor I wanted for my brand new computer I bought for myself!!! It's sooo beautiful. The whole computer is beautiful and now I can play all the games I want! It's the most expensive gift I've ever gotten for myself and I am quite pleased... with myself. As I type this I am in the process of downloading Skyrim. I should never have opened steam. I CAN'T STOP MYSELF!!
Anyway.. where was I? Uhhh oh yes, so Christmas eve was quiet. We played games and watched A Christmas Story which always makes me kind of sad. We went to sleep at the usual time and woke up the next day to make breakfast! It's tradition for Vince to make Christmas breakfast and this year I helped! We made the usual: french toast with scrambled eggs and sweet potato hash browns. It was delicious! After breakfast, which was served at 11:30am, we promptly went back to bed for a post breakfast nappy nap. At 2:30 my alarm went off so I left and came home to get ready for work. Work was dull and not super crazy like I thought it was going to be. We were overstaffed which was awesome and we only had one minor hiccup the whole night! Woooo
Alice went to visit her family and got back super late this morning so we didn't open her presents until she got off work. She was very excited to get her books and video game and Frozen soundtrack. Overall, this Christmas was pretty good.
On a personal level, I am happy that I am feeling better mentally. I've been having a really horrible time with my health and it was making me break down like crazy hard. I had to skip work twice and I knew that once it started affecting my work, school and personal life it was time to pause and work out this problem. As of a few days ago, I have been feeling a little better each day. I am not at my normal levels of happy-go-lucky, but over time I know that I will feel better. I am eager to start this new year because I am hopeful that it can only get better. I just have to remember to stay positive no matter what, and that I am in control of my future. I also have to remember that no matter what, I am not alone.
On a final note, I would like to say that I HAVE THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER!!!
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
Somewhere Only We Go: Part 1
I know I sound like a broken record and I keep talking about my anxiety, but as I read an article about stress I realized that blogging is something that helps me de-stress and assess my feelings and junk. I've been keeping a journal/blogging since I was 13! I always feel lighter after I post my thoughts, even if they aren't necessarily "deep" or meaningful. So, here is my final (maybe) post on my anxiety and how I am feeling overall!
My "first" panic attack was this summer, at a dodgers game, with literally thousands of people around me. Through these past months I have thought about it and the more I thought about it the more I realized that, for some weird reason, whenever I go out to places with large numbers of people I tend to freak out. This wasn't always the case, it just happened recently and I don't know why. That explains why I felt "sick" when I went to Knotts Scary farm last Halloween, or when I felt sick the last time I went to Disneyland with my friends and they thought that I had a severe case of the mud butt from that cheesy omelette but in reality, I was freaking out! This is obviously before I knew I had anxiety and the entire time I was having a mini panic attacks. I usually avoid going to events that involve me being far away from home or being with a large group of people.
After being diagnosed with mild anxiety, it was hard for me to watch movies because I would start to panic in the movie theater. ME, a movie theater employee, couldn't watch movies because I was afraid. That's part of the reason why I didn't see very many movies this summer. I remember wanting to see Iron Man 3 since I like that RDJ. So, on my day off I went to the local cinema and purchased a ticket. I was there by myself because I wasn't sure how I would react. I got in the theater and things were going good until the part where Iron Man has a panic attack, which reminded me of my panic attack. Suddenly my throat dried up, I couldn't feel my right arm and my heart started beating super fast so I left the movie. I couldn't even sit through a 2 hour movie without freaking out!
At some point during the summer my sister came to visit and she told me about how she used to fear large bodies of water. She got over it by consistent exposure to the ocean, she also told me to drink tea and relax. So, I did as she said and decided that the only way to overcome my fears was to face them. I forced myself to watch more movies. At first it wasn't so good but slowly it got better, so now I can go to a movie and not even freak out about it. In the back of my mind some irrational fear is still there but I'm so absorbed by the horribleness of movies now-a-days that I don't even think about it.
My second fear to conquer was the fear of being away from home. For a while I couldn't even think about going anywhere besides school and work. I barely liked leaving my house to get food. Shortly after my diagnosis Vince took me to Downtown Disney. Barely 10 minutes into the car ride I felt my mouth dry up and my palms get sweaty. At this point, I was listening to meditation CD's and learning new ways to deal with anxiety, so I tried doing that on the way to Earl of Sandwich. By the time I got out of the car, I was shaking head to toe. My heart was pounding and I felt like I was going to collapse. It was such a horrible feeling! We got to Earl and ordered food and I ate it and the crazy thing is that...nothing happened. Vince asked me if I wanted to walk around, which I absolutely didn't, but I said yes so we walked around. On my way back to the car I was more calm, I wasn't shaking any more and the drive back wasn't as bad.
I did little things like this to get over my anxiety. Recently, I drove from OC to SD and I only panicked once through the whole trip, and that was only driving to the location. I also drove back from SD and I didn't panic once! This past weekend Alice and I went to San Marcos to visit family and it wasn't until we were half way home that I realized that I didn't think about my anxiety or freak out about anything! I even managed to watch a movie, go bowling and go to a chuck-e-cheese birthday party without freaking out, while I was super sick with a cold! To normal people (I'll call them normies) these things are no big deal, but to me it is a big freakin deal! It's the first time in months that I've felt like a normie.
A fictional character on TV said once that after they did something horrible, it took them a year to recover. This stuck with me because I thought about how I am only NOW starting to feel normal when I haven't felt well since the summer. The thing that people don't understand is that anxiety doesn't show up out of nowhere, it's years and years of thinking a certain way that causes people to freak out. So how do you expect it to go away quickly if at all? I feel like I have made TONS of progress with feeling better, but I do not feel 100%. Things still scare me and sometimes trigger panic in my brain! I can't make anxiety go away but I am learning to think about it differently. I'm learning to de-stress (or trying to anyway) and that a lot of what I feel isn't real in the sense that I am in no real danger, the danger lies in my head and if I don't think about it and bring it to the surface, it wont bother me any more.
Today is a big day for me. Today I am going to Disneyland for the first time in almost a year. There will be thousands of people, there will be rides that will make me scared, there will be delicious foods that I will eat and I am going to conquer all of it! I am wearing my new Disney shirt to school today to remind me that new beginnings happen every day. The way we chose to live our lives ultimately falls upon US, not the situations we perceive to be stuck in. Live every day to the fullest and don't be afraid to eat dairy because if might give you explosive diarrhea - there are pills for that.
My "first" panic attack was this summer, at a dodgers game, with literally thousands of people around me. Through these past months I have thought about it and the more I thought about it the more I realized that, for some weird reason, whenever I go out to places with large numbers of people I tend to freak out. This wasn't always the case, it just happened recently and I don't know why. That explains why I felt "sick" when I went to Knotts Scary farm last Halloween, or when I felt sick the last time I went to Disneyland with my friends and they thought that I had a severe case of the mud butt from that cheesy omelette but in reality, I was freaking out! This is obviously before I knew I had anxiety and the entire time I was having a mini panic attacks. I usually avoid going to events that involve me being far away from home or being with a large group of people.
After being diagnosed with mild anxiety, it was hard for me to watch movies because I would start to panic in the movie theater. ME, a movie theater employee, couldn't watch movies because I was afraid. That's part of the reason why I didn't see very many movies this summer. I remember wanting to see Iron Man 3 since I like that RDJ. So, on my day off I went to the local cinema and purchased a ticket. I was there by myself because I wasn't sure how I would react. I got in the theater and things were going good until the part where Iron Man has a panic attack, which reminded me of my panic attack. Suddenly my throat dried up, I couldn't feel my right arm and my heart started beating super fast so I left the movie. I couldn't even sit through a 2 hour movie without freaking out!
At some point during the summer my sister came to visit and she told me about how she used to fear large bodies of water. She got over it by consistent exposure to the ocean, she also told me to drink tea and relax. So, I did as she said and decided that the only way to overcome my fears was to face them. I forced myself to watch more movies. At first it wasn't so good but slowly it got better, so now I can go to a movie and not even freak out about it. In the back of my mind some irrational fear is still there but I'm so absorbed by the horribleness of movies now-a-days that I don't even think about it.
My second fear to conquer was the fear of being away from home. For a while I couldn't even think about going anywhere besides school and work. I barely liked leaving my house to get food. Shortly after my diagnosis Vince took me to Downtown Disney. Barely 10 minutes into the car ride I felt my mouth dry up and my palms get sweaty. At this point, I was listening to meditation CD's and learning new ways to deal with anxiety, so I tried doing that on the way to Earl of Sandwich. By the time I got out of the car, I was shaking head to toe. My heart was pounding and I felt like I was going to collapse. It was such a horrible feeling! We got to Earl and ordered food and I ate it and the crazy thing is that...nothing happened. Vince asked me if I wanted to walk around, which I absolutely didn't, but I said yes so we walked around. On my way back to the car I was more calm, I wasn't shaking any more and the drive back wasn't as bad.
I did little things like this to get over my anxiety. Recently, I drove from OC to SD and I only panicked once through the whole trip, and that was only driving to the location. I also drove back from SD and I didn't panic once! This past weekend Alice and I went to San Marcos to visit family and it wasn't until we were half way home that I realized that I didn't think about my anxiety or freak out about anything! I even managed to watch a movie, go bowling and go to a chuck-e-cheese birthday party without freaking out, while I was super sick with a cold! To normal people (I'll call them normies) these things are no big deal, but to me it is a big freakin deal! It's the first time in months that I've felt like a normie.
A fictional character on TV said once that after they did something horrible, it took them a year to recover. This stuck with me because I thought about how I am only NOW starting to feel normal when I haven't felt well since the summer. The thing that people don't understand is that anxiety doesn't show up out of nowhere, it's years and years of thinking a certain way that causes people to freak out. So how do you expect it to go away quickly if at all? I feel like I have made TONS of progress with feeling better, but I do not feel 100%. Things still scare me and sometimes trigger panic in my brain! I can't make anxiety go away but I am learning to think about it differently. I'm learning to de-stress (or trying to anyway) and that a lot of what I feel isn't real in the sense that I am in no real danger, the danger lies in my head and if I don't think about it and bring it to the surface, it wont bother me any more.
Today is a big day for me. Today I am going to Disneyland for the first time in almost a year. There will be thousands of people, there will be rides that will make me scared, there will be delicious foods that I will eat and I am going to conquer all of it! I am wearing my new Disney shirt to school today to remind me that new beginnings happen every day. The way we chose to live our lives ultimately falls upon US, not the situations we perceive to be stuck in. Live every day to the fullest and don't be afraid to eat dairy because if might give you explosive diarrhea - there are pills for that.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Not Broken, Just Bent
Well, it's been about a week and a half since I had that panic attack, since I felt sick. This feeling I felt slowly went away and I had been doing very well until yesterday when I had a mini panic attack. It's so hard to explain the way I feel... it's just a snowball effect of feelings that just get worse the more I think about it. Yesterday was bad only while I was driving home from dinner. It took all of my energy to not freak out and pull over and just breathe. How and why is this happening to me is what I think about all the time. Why can't I be normal? I guess I've always been weird.
I've read that people usually develop these feelings and fears in the late 20's and early 30's. This anxiety about life and where your life is going. So I don't feel particularly singled out I just wish I didn't feel this way. Most people have started a family by now and have careers and I feel stuck in this limbo of uncertainty. But that's not so bad. I'm not the only one who is confused and scared about the future. What I've learned this past few days is that I don't have to change the way I feel, I have to learn how to feel differently. Basically learn to hand situation with the right feelings.
I dunno, I have a headache.
I know I'm not broken. I have just lost touch with myself. It's so hard to focus on yourself when life is calling for your attention. Work pulls you one way, family another, friends another, school another. It seems like there is never any time for yourself and perhaps that's what freaks me out sometimes even though I'm not conscious about it. I used to spend a lot of time to myself because I played a lot of games or just didn't have anyone to hang out with. Now I go to school, work, have friends and it feels like I can't just BE. I love being alone and doing nothing, or doing whatever I want. But I always feel guilty when I am just sitting and doing nothing, which makes me get up and do things.
It's OK to do nothing. To just be. Go to work, have fun, but don't let it consume you. Do the same with school. It's ok to stand back and walk away from responsibilities for a little while. Even if it's for just 10 minutes. It's OK to stay at home, do nothing. It's OK to be selfish.
I'm currently watching Inception special features and it's all about dreams. I'm freaking out! And I love dreams! Let's all day dream.
I've read that people usually develop these feelings and fears in the late 20's and early 30's. This anxiety about life and where your life is going. So I don't feel particularly singled out I just wish I didn't feel this way. Most people have started a family by now and have careers and I feel stuck in this limbo of uncertainty. But that's not so bad. I'm not the only one who is confused and scared about the future. What I've learned this past few days is that I don't have to change the way I feel, I have to learn how to feel differently. Basically learn to hand situation with the right feelings.
I dunno, I have a headache.
I know I'm not broken. I have just lost touch with myself. It's so hard to focus on yourself when life is calling for your attention. Work pulls you one way, family another, friends another, school another. It seems like there is never any time for yourself and perhaps that's what freaks me out sometimes even though I'm not conscious about it. I used to spend a lot of time to myself because I played a lot of games or just didn't have anyone to hang out with. Now I go to school, work, have friends and it feels like I can't just BE. I love being alone and doing nothing, or doing whatever I want. But I always feel guilty when I am just sitting and doing nothing, which makes me get up and do things.
It's OK to do nothing. To just be. Go to work, have fun, but don't let it consume you. Do the same with school. It's ok to stand back and walk away from responsibilities for a little while. Even if it's for just 10 minutes. It's OK to stay at home, do nothing. It's OK to be selfish.
I'm currently watching Inception special features and it's all about dreams. I'm freaking out! And I love dreams! Let's all day dream.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Perhaps It IS All in My Head!
Last night I dreamed I went to the doctor but couldn't find her office because I didn't remember her name.
I woke up this morning at 8:30am because that's when my alarm went off. I had my doctors appointment at 10am and it was only half an hour away but I got up anyway, showered, got dressed and headed to the doctor. It was all the way in Fountain Valley which according to the doctor is pretty far away. To me it didn't seem like it though.
I got to the office at 930 and the receptionist took all my info. She mentioned that my deductible was very high and I said yes, yes it was. After about 20 min she slapped on a coat and said she was going to see me now. It was kind of funny that the doctor was also the receptionist. I should have freaked out but I didn't really care. She asked me questions and asked me what was wrong. I pretty much told her what I had talked about yesterday on this here awesome blog. She seemed to change her mind about what could be wrong with me but, after answering some questionnaires to determine my levels of serotonin or whatever, she determined the following:
- What ever I have isn't necessarily happening in my body but probably my mind.
- I am not depressed.
- I have mild anxiety.
- It could be a thyroid issue.
- I might have high blood pressure.
- My birth control is making me break out.
So, she I was prescribed some medication for anxiety cuz apparently the symptoms I am exhibiting are classic symptoms for anxiety. She said that it could be a thyroid issue as well so she sent me to the downstairs offices to get some blood drawn for some blood work. They are going to check for about 6 different things, one of which is my cholesterol cuz that might be the reason for my high blood pressure. She also asked me to monitor my blood pressure because it could just be high due to being at the doctor.
I went down stairs with my prescription, literature on how to cope with anxiety, and a form to take to the vampires (blood tester). The pharmacists were pretty funny and completely inappropriate. I went into the room to get my blood drawn, the guy was matter of fact. I was done with the whole doctor visit in a little more than half an hour. I was home by 11am.
Being diagnosed as having mild anxiety honestly doesn't surprise me. It makes a lot of sense. It all goes back to that crippling fear of throwing up and being sick. Thinking about it just makes me freak out and like I said yesterday, it's just a vicious cycle. I told the doctor about what happened at the Dodgers game and she said that I had a panic attack. WHAT? I've never had a panic attack before! I've never felt like I did that day but OH MAN, I never want to feel like that again. Just imagine being freaked out and afraid in a stadium filled with literally thousands of people! I was trapped and all i wanted to do was go home. It also makes sense that I always feel better when I'm at home because it's safe to me. Nothing and no one can hurt me here.
So today after taking a little nap, Vince and I went to have lunch before he went to work. We went to corner bakery and I had soup. This is the first time I've been out in public since the panic attack on Tuesday. I felt fine when I got in the car, but half way to the restaurant I started getting the dry mouth again. I told myself to calm down and I concentrated on my breathing. We got to the restaurant, ordered and began eating. I only felt a little sick but the more I ate the better I felt. The sickness came and went like waves but it was nothing like the past weekend. I finished quickly and then drove towards home. I decided to stop by CVS to purchase a blood pressure machine. The doctor suggested I get one and take my blood pressure throughout the day because she felt that I might not have high blood pressure so she wasn't going to prescribe me blood pressure medicine. So I went to CVS, got that thing then walked over to Ralphs to get some healthy snacks for work. I made it all the way back home without feeling sick.
That was a great victory for me today! I know that all this is mostly in my head. My mind tends to sway towards the negative constantly, so I'm always bringing myself down for one reason or another. It was suggested that I get rid of the things that cause me anxiety. The main reason for my anxiety that I can think of is my car. OH.MY.GOD you guys. I HATE IT. Every time I get in it I think it's gonna fall apart on me and I'm gonna crash on the freeway. It kind of makes sense that the first time I felt sick it was inside the car while on the way to work. Well, one of my goals this year is to get a new car, but in order to that I need money, and that is stress number two. I'm a lot better off now that I used to be, by far, but still, I never feel like I have enough to be out of debt. Saving money is goal number two.
It seems like I know what's up with me. The doctor didn't suggest I lose weight or change my eating habits. Since my sickness really didn't have classic upset stomach symptoms like throwing up and actually vomiting, it looks like I might be perfectly healthy, physically anyway. We wont know for sure until Monday when I go and see her again in the afternoon. I hope all goes well! Oh yeah, I took my blood pressure and it seems more normal than at the doctor. When I was in her office it was 142/95, but when I took it at home it was 130/83. It's normal when it's 120/80 so it's not too bad I guess.
Honestly, I hate taking pills. The doctor said that I had to take my anxiety medication every time I started to feel sick to my stomach. But I would rather try a holistic approach since I would rather be healthy on my own than to feel good by taking medicine. I did take a stress management class my first semester at IVC, so I know about all this stuff already! I just need to meditate, breathe and use positive imagery. The mind is a very powerful thing, very VERY powerful. And, I don't want to brag but I am super creative so my brain must be like, super powerful, so all I have to do is change the way I think. Be happy. Be positive! It doesn't matter how horrible today may seem, tomorrow will always be better. You know why? Because you have a new opportunity to MAKE it better. It's all up to YOU... to change your faaaaaate. LOLOL.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Why I Have Been Lame Lately or I am Very Sick
Just a warning, this is going to be really long and at the end of it you might think I'm crazy! It's OK cuz I already think I am.
For the past several days I have been feeling very very sick. But in all honesty, I have been feeling sick for a while. It just comes over me all of a sudden for no apparent reason. I have never been as sick as I have been these past several days so I am going to a doctor. I guess feeling "sick" isn't normal and I should have gone to the doctor a lot sooner. And when people ask me what I have I really don't know how to explain it. I just feel ill. I don't feel like myself. I feel fuzzy, out of it. Recently I've felt sick to my stomach, dizzy, weird. It comes and goes. I've noticed that I feel the worst after I eat. At least half an hour after I eat I feel sick. But anyway, here's the story, from the very very beginning. Like I said, it's going to be very long.
IN THE BEGINNING
I guess I started feeling "sick" after one time I was actually really sick. Back when I was 11 or 12. The night before was like any other night. It must have been a weekend, it had to have been because we stayed up later than normal. I had a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats at night. But before I went to sleep I decided to have some eggs. So I cooked them up and pretty much right after I went to sleep.
When I woke up the next morning I had a stomach ache. It was bad enough to the point where I went to find my dad and told him that it hurt. I had already tried going to the bathroom but nothing came out. He told me to go home and drink some pepto. I came home, had a spoonful and went to the couch. I tried to sleep but I couldn't. I remember there was a chips a hoy commercial on TV. We were all watching cartoons. At around noon, when my dad came home for lunch, everyone went outside so I joined them. Out of nowhere I threw up. I remember my siblings saying "ew!" and my vomit was pink because of the pepto. I immediately went inside and laid down on my parents bed.
I think I managed to sleep for a bit and then I got up to go to the bathroom, and while on the toilet, I threw up in the bath tub. I went back to sleep. My dad came home and was mad at the mess I'd made so he made me clean it up. Thankfully all I had to do was turn on the shower. I was crying and I felt really gross. I went to sleep on my bed which was in the living room (we were poor and lived in a trailer) and I got up about three more times to puke through out the day.
Since my dad had gotten mad at me for throwing up in the bathroom, in my mind, the only other place to puke was outside. We lived in the middle of nowhere so I just went outside and threw up over the railing of the porch. Everyone saw me puking my guts out that day. My dad, my mom, my uncle who was living with us at the time, my siblings. From morning to night I threw up. I remember begging my brothers to leave me alone because they thought it was cool to watch me throw up so they would go outside with me. Eventually they lost interest.
I went outside once more, at around 9 at night and I threw up so hard that it came out my nose but there was nothing left in my stomach. What came out was bile. And I threw up so hard that stuff came out the other end too. I went to the bathroom to clean myself up and I knew that it was over. There was no way that I could throw up anything else. I also felt better. So I went to sleep.
I was 11 or 12.
The next day I didn't go to school. In fact I don't think I went to school for a few days. My mom gave me an apple and I ate it and I didn't throw up. I think she gave me medicine. My parents didn't take us to the doctor if we got sick. They sort of just waited it out. And I must have looked better because they didn't take me to the doctor.
The whole day traumatized me so much that ever since then, I would feel "sick" all of a sudden where I thought I was going to throw up and I would ask my mom to hold my hand. It was such a great fear in me that I would ask her to hold my hand even if we had company over. She had to stop what she was doing and attend to me otherwise I would start crying. This would happen for a long time, even into my teen years. Ever since the time I was sick I had a huge fear of throwing up. To the point where I would rather be sick for days than throw up even though people told me just to do it and I would feel much better. If I feel like I'm going to throw up I will cry and cry until I feel better.
So, throughout my life ever since that day I was violently sick, I would go through phases where I would feel "sick" and sometimes I would feel just fine. It would just come and go. I don't know why. I honestly think about that day I was sick every single day of my life. To this damn day. I don't know why it has such a strong hold on my psyche. It traumatized me so much. I haven't been the same since, I know, because I remember how I felt that day, and I know that I don't want to feel sick.
FURTHERMORE
I guess I started going through a "sick" phase starting last year after my surgery. As always, the fear of throwing up was ever present as I went under, then when I woke up, then when I took the hardcore pain killers. It would come and go but it started getting more aggressive after the surgery. Is it a for real thing or is it in my head? I started thinking, and I don't know how I got this thought in my head, that I had actually died when I went in for surgery and that I started creating my own reality. Things were going to well in real life for it to be real. How can life be this great, I thought to myself. I had a nice place to live, I was getting a new job, it was all falling into place. And instead of being happy I was afraid. What if it wasn't real? What if I'm actually dead? Psycho, I know. I mean, the human mind is a powerful thing! So, one night as Vince and I were driving home from dinner I started having a mini panic attack I guess. I was so wired on pain killers I started feeling, or believing I was feeling, my arms and legs going numb while I was driving. I had to move them or else I felt like they were gone. I had to pull over and I was freaking out and crying on the side of the road. I called my mom and she told me to stop freaking out. She probably remembered how I felt when I was sick back in the day, cuz she immediately went into mom mode and in a soothing voice told me to calm down and have some tea and everything was going to be ok. All I said was I felt sick.
I put sick in quotes cuz I'm so freaked out about throwing up that I don't know if I'm actually sick, or the thought of throwing up is so powerful in my mind that it makes me sick to think about it. It's all a vicious cycle. Ever since that night driving, I stopped taking pain killers. I just stopped cold turkey which was possibly a bad idea. My back didn't hurt that much anymore anyway so I didn't need them. I think I suffered from withdrawal but after a while I felt better than ever.
Around the same time I started exercising more and losing weight, so overall I felt really good. There was the occasional day where I felt sick. It would last for a little while then pass. Never for more than a few hours or at most half a day. But a new thing happened to me: I started fearing going outside. Or, to be more accurate, just leaving my house. I like being in my house, I feel safe and comfortable and if I ever do get sick, I would rather be at home when it happens so I can lay down and wallow in my misery. It definitely started after my surgery. I used to be so adventurous and loved driving long distances and visiting new places. But now, the thought if even going shopping in the next city over scares me. I would rather be close to home, eat and shop close to home. But that isn't me, and it's now who I want to become.What kind of a boring person loves staying in? Im slowly becoming a crazy cat lady! But seriously, the fear that I COULD get sick away from home makes me not want to stray too far, which is super super lame.
AND THEN
On Mother's day we all went out for Indian Food, afterwards we went to Yogurtland. I took an hour nap and then I got up to go to work. Half way through my drive to work I was staring at these mountains. One was moving away from me and getting bigger while the other one mimicked it. I don't know why but I immediately felt nauseated. The rest of the day at work I was feeling sick again. I didn't have a stomach ache or an upset stomach or throwing up I just felt sick. It actually went away at the end of the night but for the rest of the day I didn't feel hungry. I had some sprite to help settle my nauseousness. I came home, went to sleep and woke up the next day ready for work. I didn't feel sick anymore, but I also hadn't eaten anything all day. UNTIL a guy at worked offered me pizza. How could I refuse! I had two slices. About an hour later I felt sick again. And again, no "real" symptoms other than I felt sick. Actually, the only thing I did feel was something in my throat, like a lump or something. Also my face got really hot and red. But besides that nothing else. I went home and as soon as I got home I felt better. That night I had a peanut butter sandwich. I felt a little sick before bed but I just went to sleep.
The next day, yesterday, I woke up and I felt fine. We had planned on going to the dodgers game for Matt Kemp Bobble head night. Vince and I picked up Tim, I felt a little sick on the drive to Joanne's house but once we got there I was fine. I took some tums even though I didn't feel acidy, I also took some motion sickness medicine cuz at this point I felt that maybe I was getting motion sickness cuz I felt sick in cars. On the way to the game I felt perfectly fine. We stopped at Philippes in LA and had some sandwiches. I had a salad but I didn't eat much. At the game, I had a pretzel and some Sprite. One pitch into the first inning the sickness came on again. I went to the bathroom and I was so fed up with feeling sick I thought, "WELL, if I have to throw up then I'll just let it happen! I don't even care anymore!" so I bent over the toilet and tried to throw up. I tried 4 times but nothing came out. I admit, I didn't really want to do it, but I knew I should. It didn't happen. This time a new symptom appeared: I had a super dry mouth for some reason. So my mouth was dry and it didnt matter how much water I was drinking it would dry up immediately. That freaked me out because it was making it hard to swallow. So after trying to find gum and failing, I just started sucking on some sour patch kids. The game went by quickly thank goodness. Then we went back to Joannes house, dropped off Tim and came home. I drove home and even though I felt sick during the drive, when I got home I felt better. In the past 4 days I haven't really eaten much because it seemed like every time I ate I got sick. So I've lost about 5 pounds in 4 days, which is nice for my waist but not nice for my health. I've been drinking plenty of water too so I know I'm not dehydrated.
THE EVIDENCE
After talking to Vince and thinking about these feelings of nastiness, I figured that the reason I felt sick was due to my lactose intolerance. I knew I was lactose intolerant because when I was younger I had side pains and I always thought it was my appendix about to burst. My mom finally took me to the doctor and he said that I was probably lactose intolerant. He said to not eat dairy for a day, then eat cheese or drink milk and see what happened. And, unfortunately for milk lover me, it turned out to be true. But I didn't care. I loved dairy and I never stopped, at least not until recently. On Mother's Day I had Indian food and apparently they use heavy cream for all their sauces. And I had A LOT of sauce. Then I had yogurtland and tons of dairy based toppings. I felt sick. The next day I had pizza. I felt sick. Yesterday there was some cheese on my salad. I felt sick. But I did take lactaid pills yesterday so I don't know what's up with that. Today I had a turkey sandwich and Vince got me some chick-fil-a. I had fruit and grilled chicken, lettuce and tomato but no bread. So far I feel OK. Just like earlier, I had that sandwich and I felt fine. Then I went out for a couple of hours and my mouth got dry again, I couldn't swallow and I started to panic. I came home and I felt fine. I don't get dry mouth when I'm at home, just when I'm out. Whats up with that? Is it just my own mind that is making me feel like I am sick when I'm actually fine?
The lactose thing would explain why I feel sick all the time for no apparent reason. I probably just had too much dairy and my body can't take it anymore.
WHY I THINK IM CRAZY
The older I get, the more self aware I become apparently Thanks to Vince for putting words to my thoughts! I think about the future, the fact that I'm getting old. The little things in life do not make me happy because I think about the bigger picture. I no longer think about the day to day awesomeness of life. I think about the future and it always looks so bleak. I'm passed my peak, life will only get lamer from here. My hair line is thinning my skin is aging. My eye sight is failing and of course, the older I get the weaker my immune system is so it makes sense that I will get sick all the time. It's like I'm trying to rationalize why I feel sick all the time. This reminds me of when I had all those headaches a few months back. My head felt so full and it hurt and it was right behind my eyes. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think. I went to the doctor and as soon as I walked out of the office, all the symptoms went away. I took some medicine for sinus infection but after that I felt perfectly fine. Maybe I'm one of those people who are obsessed with going to the doctor? But I hate the doctor! I look at things and think, "Is this real?" and I start to freak out so I turn around and look at something else and try to fall back into robot mode. I think we're all in robot mode, ya know? Wake up, go to work, go home, go to sleep, wake up, go to work. It's such a boring and monotonous life. I thought I hated work because I hated my job, not I'm beginning to realize I hate work because I hate the routine of it. I hate having to go somewhere in order to have money to be happy. Cuz lets face it, money is the only way to be happy since it's the only way to eat and live. It sucks really.
I've been taking everything for granted. I don't know how to acknowledge my reality if that makes sense. OH LAWDY my brain! Maybe this is why Vince hates thinking about outer space... it makes your brain hurt to think that we are here super tiny but there are things out there, HUGE THINGS in space that live for millions of years and we are but a second in the life span of the universe. UGH. Sometimes when I think about space I think of the heaviness of this earth and I feel like I'm being crushed by the weight of it all. Which is why I try not to think like that. Does that make me crazy? Who knows. The point is, in the sea of sheeple, I stop and look around and ask myself, "WhY?!" but no one is there to answer. All I see are people going about their day, every day, not really thinking about much besides what their next immediate action is going to be. Is there some medication I can take to make me go back into the Matrix? Cuz I think if I try to get out people will think I'm crazy, especially the doctor. Speaking of which, that's what I think my life is right now: I am actually not really in reality, but something that resembles it cuz that's what happened when I went into surgery last year and now I'm actually dead. SEE? I must be crazy!
CONCLUSION
I am going to the doctor tomorrow and then another doctor on Friday. Why two doctors? I dunno, I want two opinions. What is wrong with me? is it just anxiety? Am I crazy? Am I depressed? I was kinda sad I moved away from Aliso Viejo for a while but that's mostly gone now. It's that time of month now so I'm kind of emotional and just feeling plain hormone-y. I just don't feel like myself at all. Even this one lady at work asked me a few weeks ago if I was feeling OK cuz I didn't seem like myself lately. I wasn't sick then, but maybe she knew I was feeling lame. Is it allergies? Am I allergic to food or animals? AM I ALLERGIC TO CATS?? It could just be stress, since I have been kind of stressed lately due to my car being lame. And I know that stress can manifest itself physically. But does that explain my dry mouth? My fear of going places that are far away from home? It's ridiculous. And the most ridiculous thing is that I think I have something wrong with me that can't be fixed. What if it's something more serious? UGH the unknown is what scares me, but honestly I think I'm doing it to myself. Why can't I just be the way I used to be? I don't want to feel this way anymore.
So Vince got me that chick-fil-a and I've been sitting at home watching How It's Made. I haven't felt sick and he got this for me a while ago. But I bet you a million dollars that if I have to go out somewhere and I will start to feel sick and have dry mouth again. UGH. OH and, what I finally realized after ALL THESE YEARS, is that when I was sick when I was 11 or 12? I totally had food poisoning. JUST REALIZED THIS literally weeks ago. FUN FACT: I haven't thrown up since then. I've also never eaten Honey Bunches of Oats. And funny enough, I bet it was the milk that did me in that day.
Writing in a diary or blogging used to always make me feel better when I was younger. It felt like I was releasing all these thoughts onto someone else's shoulders so I didn't have to carry them around anymore. It's always been therapeutic for me. Maybe the solution is as simple as blogging more. Maybe I don't need medication and I need a more holistic approach. I don't think Vince would approve of this but I'd much rather be naturally healthy physically, spiritually and mentally than have to rely on pills all the time for my happiness. We all have our ways to vent. Some people drink, others smoke and I have always blogged.
Let's see what happens tomorrow. I hope I feel better and even if I do I will still go to the doctor. I will try to not think so much about things that make my brain explode. And I will MOST DEFINITELY stop eating dairy for reals now. I'm done being sick and if the solution was as simple as that then I will go back to that doctor in Valley Center and shake his nasty hands and thank him for ruining my life. Check back tomorrow for an update!
THE END.
PS. I just remembered that one time I heard on TV that a guy stopped producing saliva and he almost DIED and now he has to take pills to produce saliva. Every time my mouth is dry I think about that guy. I could possibly be a hypochondriac. STAY TUNED!
For the past several days I have been feeling very very sick. But in all honesty, I have been feeling sick for a while. It just comes over me all of a sudden for no apparent reason. I have never been as sick as I have been these past several days so I am going to a doctor. I guess feeling "sick" isn't normal and I should have gone to the doctor a lot sooner. And when people ask me what I have I really don't know how to explain it. I just feel ill. I don't feel like myself. I feel fuzzy, out of it. Recently I've felt sick to my stomach, dizzy, weird. It comes and goes. I've noticed that I feel the worst after I eat. At least half an hour after I eat I feel sick. But anyway, here's the story, from the very very beginning. Like I said, it's going to be very long.
IN THE BEGINNING
I guess I started feeling "sick" after one time I was actually really sick. Back when I was 11 or 12. The night before was like any other night. It must have been a weekend, it had to have been because we stayed up later than normal. I had a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats at night. But before I went to sleep I decided to have some eggs. So I cooked them up and pretty much right after I went to sleep.
When I woke up the next morning I had a stomach ache. It was bad enough to the point where I went to find my dad and told him that it hurt. I had already tried going to the bathroom but nothing came out. He told me to go home and drink some pepto. I came home, had a spoonful and went to the couch. I tried to sleep but I couldn't. I remember there was a chips a hoy commercial on TV. We were all watching cartoons. At around noon, when my dad came home for lunch, everyone went outside so I joined them. Out of nowhere I threw up. I remember my siblings saying "ew!" and my vomit was pink because of the pepto. I immediately went inside and laid down on my parents bed.
I think I managed to sleep for a bit and then I got up to go to the bathroom, and while on the toilet, I threw up in the bath tub. I went back to sleep. My dad came home and was mad at the mess I'd made so he made me clean it up. Thankfully all I had to do was turn on the shower. I was crying and I felt really gross. I went to sleep on my bed which was in the living room (we were poor and lived in a trailer) and I got up about three more times to puke through out the day.
Since my dad had gotten mad at me for throwing up in the bathroom, in my mind, the only other place to puke was outside. We lived in the middle of nowhere so I just went outside and threw up over the railing of the porch. Everyone saw me puking my guts out that day. My dad, my mom, my uncle who was living with us at the time, my siblings. From morning to night I threw up. I remember begging my brothers to leave me alone because they thought it was cool to watch me throw up so they would go outside with me. Eventually they lost interest.
I went outside once more, at around 9 at night and I threw up so hard that it came out my nose but there was nothing left in my stomach. What came out was bile. And I threw up so hard that stuff came out the other end too. I went to the bathroom to clean myself up and I knew that it was over. There was no way that I could throw up anything else. I also felt better. So I went to sleep.
I was 11 or 12.
The next day I didn't go to school. In fact I don't think I went to school for a few days. My mom gave me an apple and I ate it and I didn't throw up. I think she gave me medicine. My parents didn't take us to the doctor if we got sick. They sort of just waited it out. And I must have looked better because they didn't take me to the doctor.
The whole day traumatized me so much that ever since then, I would feel "sick" all of a sudden where I thought I was going to throw up and I would ask my mom to hold my hand. It was such a great fear in me that I would ask her to hold my hand even if we had company over. She had to stop what she was doing and attend to me otherwise I would start crying. This would happen for a long time, even into my teen years. Ever since the time I was sick I had a huge fear of throwing up. To the point where I would rather be sick for days than throw up even though people told me just to do it and I would feel much better. If I feel like I'm going to throw up I will cry and cry until I feel better.
So, throughout my life ever since that day I was violently sick, I would go through phases where I would feel "sick" and sometimes I would feel just fine. It would just come and go. I don't know why. I honestly think about that day I was sick every single day of my life. To this damn day. I don't know why it has such a strong hold on my psyche. It traumatized me so much. I haven't been the same since, I know, because I remember how I felt that day, and I know that I don't want to feel sick.
FURTHERMORE
I guess I started going through a "sick" phase starting last year after my surgery. As always, the fear of throwing up was ever present as I went under, then when I woke up, then when I took the hardcore pain killers. It would come and go but it started getting more aggressive after the surgery. Is it a for real thing or is it in my head? I started thinking, and I don't know how I got this thought in my head, that I had actually died when I went in for surgery and that I started creating my own reality. Things were going to well in real life for it to be real. How can life be this great, I thought to myself. I had a nice place to live, I was getting a new job, it was all falling into place. And instead of being happy I was afraid. What if it wasn't real? What if I'm actually dead? Psycho, I know. I mean, the human mind is a powerful thing! So, one night as Vince and I were driving home from dinner I started having a mini panic attack I guess. I was so wired on pain killers I started feeling, or believing I was feeling, my arms and legs going numb while I was driving. I had to move them or else I felt like they were gone. I had to pull over and I was freaking out and crying on the side of the road. I called my mom and she told me to stop freaking out. She probably remembered how I felt when I was sick back in the day, cuz she immediately went into mom mode and in a soothing voice told me to calm down and have some tea and everything was going to be ok. All I said was I felt sick.
I put sick in quotes cuz I'm so freaked out about throwing up that I don't know if I'm actually sick, or the thought of throwing up is so powerful in my mind that it makes me sick to think about it. It's all a vicious cycle. Ever since that night driving, I stopped taking pain killers. I just stopped cold turkey which was possibly a bad idea. My back didn't hurt that much anymore anyway so I didn't need them. I think I suffered from withdrawal but after a while I felt better than ever.
Around the same time I started exercising more and losing weight, so overall I felt really good. There was the occasional day where I felt sick. It would last for a little while then pass. Never for more than a few hours or at most half a day. But a new thing happened to me: I started fearing going outside. Or, to be more accurate, just leaving my house. I like being in my house, I feel safe and comfortable and if I ever do get sick, I would rather be at home when it happens so I can lay down and wallow in my misery. It definitely started after my surgery. I used to be so adventurous and loved driving long distances and visiting new places. But now, the thought if even going shopping in the next city over scares me. I would rather be close to home, eat and shop close to home. But that isn't me, and it's now who I want to become.What kind of a boring person loves staying in? Im slowly becoming a crazy cat lady! But seriously, the fear that I COULD get sick away from home makes me not want to stray too far, which is super super lame.
AND THEN
On Mother's day we all went out for Indian Food, afterwards we went to Yogurtland. I took an hour nap and then I got up to go to work. Half way through my drive to work I was staring at these mountains. One was moving away from me and getting bigger while the other one mimicked it. I don't know why but I immediately felt nauseated. The rest of the day at work I was feeling sick again. I didn't have a stomach ache or an upset stomach or throwing up I just felt sick. It actually went away at the end of the night but for the rest of the day I didn't feel hungry. I had some sprite to help settle my nauseousness. I came home, went to sleep and woke up the next day ready for work. I didn't feel sick anymore, but I also hadn't eaten anything all day. UNTIL a guy at worked offered me pizza. How could I refuse! I had two slices. About an hour later I felt sick again. And again, no "real" symptoms other than I felt sick. Actually, the only thing I did feel was something in my throat, like a lump or something. Also my face got really hot and red. But besides that nothing else. I went home and as soon as I got home I felt better. That night I had a peanut butter sandwich. I felt a little sick before bed but I just went to sleep.
The next day, yesterday, I woke up and I felt fine. We had planned on going to the dodgers game for Matt Kemp Bobble head night. Vince and I picked up Tim, I felt a little sick on the drive to Joanne's house but once we got there I was fine. I took some tums even though I didn't feel acidy, I also took some motion sickness medicine cuz at this point I felt that maybe I was getting motion sickness cuz I felt sick in cars. On the way to the game I felt perfectly fine. We stopped at Philippes in LA and had some sandwiches. I had a salad but I didn't eat much. At the game, I had a pretzel and some Sprite. One pitch into the first inning the sickness came on again. I went to the bathroom and I was so fed up with feeling sick I thought, "WELL, if I have to throw up then I'll just let it happen! I don't even care anymore!" so I bent over the toilet and tried to throw up. I tried 4 times but nothing came out. I admit, I didn't really want to do it, but I knew I should. It didn't happen. This time a new symptom appeared: I had a super dry mouth for some reason. So my mouth was dry and it didnt matter how much water I was drinking it would dry up immediately. That freaked me out because it was making it hard to swallow. So after trying to find gum and failing, I just started sucking on some sour patch kids. The game went by quickly thank goodness. Then we went back to Joannes house, dropped off Tim and came home. I drove home and even though I felt sick during the drive, when I got home I felt better. In the past 4 days I haven't really eaten much because it seemed like every time I ate I got sick. So I've lost about 5 pounds in 4 days, which is nice for my waist but not nice for my health. I've been drinking plenty of water too so I know I'm not dehydrated.
THE EVIDENCE
After talking to Vince and thinking about these feelings of nastiness, I figured that the reason I felt sick was due to my lactose intolerance. I knew I was lactose intolerant because when I was younger I had side pains and I always thought it was my appendix about to burst. My mom finally took me to the doctor and he said that I was probably lactose intolerant. He said to not eat dairy for a day, then eat cheese or drink milk and see what happened. And, unfortunately for milk lover me, it turned out to be true. But I didn't care. I loved dairy and I never stopped, at least not until recently. On Mother's Day I had Indian food and apparently they use heavy cream for all their sauces. And I had A LOT of sauce. Then I had yogurtland and tons of dairy based toppings. I felt sick. The next day I had pizza. I felt sick. Yesterday there was some cheese on my salad. I felt sick. But I did take lactaid pills yesterday so I don't know what's up with that. Today I had a turkey sandwich and Vince got me some chick-fil-a. I had fruit and grilled chicken, lettuce and tomato but no bread. So far I feel OK. Just like earlier, I had that sandwich and I felt fine. Then I went out for a couple of hours and my mouth got dry again, I couldn't swallow and I started to panic. I came home and I felt fine. I don't get dry mouth when I'm at home, just when I'm out. Whats up with that? Is it just my own mind that is making me feel like I am sick when I'm actually fine?
The lactose thing would explain why I feel sick all the time for no apparent reason. I probably just had too much dairy and my body can't take it anymore.
WHY I THINK IM CRAZY
The older I get, the more self aware I become apparently Thanks to Vince for putting words to my thoughts! I think about the future, the fact that I'm getting old. The little things in life do not make me happy because I think about the bigger picture. I no longer think about the day to day awesomeness of life. I think about the future and it always looks so bleak. I'm passed my peak, life will only get lamer from here. My hair line is thinning my skin is aging. My eye sight is failing and of course, the older I get the weaker my immune system is so it makes sense that I will get sick all the time. It's like I'm trying to rationalize why I feel sick all the time. This reminds me of when I had all those headaches a few months back. My head felt so full and it hurt and it was right behind my eyes. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think. I went to the doctor and as soon as I walked out of the office, all the symptoms went away. I took some medicine for sinus infection but after that I felt perfectly fine. Maybe I'm one of those people who are obsessed with going to the doctor? But I hate the doctor! I look at things and think, "Is this real?" and I start to freak out so I turn around and look at something else and try to fall back into robot mode. I think we're all in robot mode, ya know? Wake up, go to work, go home, go to sleep, wake up, go to work. It's such a boring and monotonous life. I thought I hated work because I hated my job, not I'm beginning to realize I hate work because I hate the routine of it. I hate having to go somewhere in order to have money to be happy. Cuz lets face it, money is the only way to be happy since it's the only way to eat and live. It sucks really.
I've been taking everything for granted. I don't know how to acknowledge my reality if that makes sense. OH LAWDY my brain! Maybe this is why Vince hates thinking about outer space... it makes your brain hurt to think that we are here super tiny but there are things out there, HUGE THINGS in space that live for millions of years and we are but a second in the life span of the universe. UGH. Sometimes when I think about space I think of the heaviness of this earth and I feel like I'm being crushed by the weight of it all. Which is why I try not to think like that. Does that make me crazy? Who knows. The point is, in the sea of sheeple, I stop and look around and ask myself, "WhY?!" but no one is there to answer. All I see are people going about their day, every day, not really thinking about much besides what their next immediate action is going to be. Is there some medication I can take to make me go back into the Matrix? Cuz I think if I try to get out people will think I'm crazy, especially the doctor. Speaking of which, that's what I think my life is right now: I am actually not really in reality, but something that resembles it cuz that's what happened when I went into surgery last year and now I'm actually dead. SEE? I must be crazy!
CONCLUSION
I am going to the doctor tomorrow and then another doctor on Friday. Why two doctors? I dunno, I want two opinions. What is wrong with me? is it just anxiety? Am I crazy? Am I depressed? I was kinda sad I moved away from Aliso Viejo for a while but that's mostly gone now. It's that time of month now so I'm kind of emotional and just feeling plain hormone-y. I just don't feel like myself at all. Even this one lady at work asked me a few weeks ago if I was feeling OK cuz I didn't seem like myself lately. I wasn't sick then, but maybe she knew I was feeling lame. Is it allergies? Am I allergic to food or animals? AM I ALLERGIC TO CATS?? It could just be stress, since I have been kind of stressed lately due to my car being lame. And I know that stress can manifest itself physically. But does that explain my dry mouth? My fear of going places that are far away from home? It's ridiculous. And the most ridiculous thing is that I think I have something wrong with me that can't be fixed. What if it's something more serious? UGH the unknown is what scares me, but honestly I think I'm doing it to myself. Why can't I just be the way I used to be? I don't want to feel this way anymore.
So Vince got me that chick-fil-a and I've been sitting at home watching How It's Made. I haven't felt sick and he got this for me a while ago. But I bet you a million dollars that if I have to go out somewhere and I will start to feel sick and have dry mouth again. UGH. OH and, what I finally realized after ALL THESE YEARS, is that when I was sick when I was 11 or 12? I totally had food poisoning. JUST REALIZED THIS literally weeks ago. FUN FACT: I haven't thrown up since then. I've also never eaten Honey Bunches of Oats. And funny enough, I bet it was the milk that did me in that day.
Writing in a diary or blogging used to always make me feel better when I was younger. It felt like I was releasing all these thoughts onto someone else's shoulders so I didn't have to carry them around anymore. It's always been therapeutic for me. Maybe the solution is as simple as blogging more. Maybe I don't need medication and I need a more holistic approach. I don't think Vince would approve of this but I'd much rather be naturally healthy physically, spiritually and mentally than have to rely on pills all the time for my happiness. We all have our ways to vent. Some people drink, others smoke and I have always blogged.
Let's see what happens tomorrow. I hope I feel better and even if I do I will still go to the doctor. I will try to not think so much about things that make my brain explode. And I will MOST DEFINITELY stop eating dairy for reals now. I'm done being sick and if the solution was as simple as that then I will go back to that doctor in Valley Center and shake his nasty hands and thank him for ruining my life. Check back tomorrow for an update!
THE END.
PS. I just remembered that one time I heard on TV that a guy stopped producing saliva and he almost DIED and now he has to take pills to produce saliva. Every time my mouth is dry I think about that guy. I could possibly be a hypochondriac. STAY TUNED!
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
2012: Dreams Come True
One night in December 2011, after a particularly inspiring class of Stress Management, I went home and made a box out of paper. On different colored post it notes I wrote down my hopes and dreams, things that I wanted to accomplish some time in the future. They weren't new years resolutions, they were just goals, it was just a coincidence it was right before the new year that I happened to write them down. I got the idea from a classmate in my stress management class who came to America from Korea. She came here with nothing, had no family or friends. She left her teaching job in Korea to find a better life for herself. She was depressed all the time because things just weren't going her way. One day she wrote down her dreams and put them in a jewelry box. Things started changing in her life. She went back to school, became an accountant, met a great guy. She had forgotten about her box until one day she found it and opened it. To her surprise, everything she had written down had come true. She showed us the box and it was empty. She had tears in her eyes as she told us her story because she was so happy that everything she dreamed had come true.
The point of this exercise isn't that your dreams and goals will be accomplished by some sort of voodoo magic. The point is that, once you have a clear idea of what you want, you will do what needs to be done in order to be happy. The universe will put things or people on your path that will help you achieve your goals. It's up to you, with your new found clear vision and strength, to chose to acknowledge those things/people/opportunities or not.
I wrote down everything I wanted and the reasons that, at some point in the future, I would be happy. Today, I opened that box and looked at what I had written down 13 months ago.
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There are a few things that I still have yet to accomplish and some things that I sort of ignored and slipped on (which makes me feel super guilty!) but for the most part, a lot of the things that I wrote down came true, which is crazy. Obviously, like I said, it wasn't due to any sort of magic! I worked towards what I wanted and took chances that paid off.
The first thing that started changing was being healthy. At some point in early January I decided to stop drinking sugary drinks because I wanted to live a healthier life. Slowly I transitioned to only drinking water, which was super boring, but whatevs. Around the same time, for some weird reason, Vince decided that he wanted to be healthier. So, coincidentally and inadvertently he helped me to stay on track with my goal. We started playing basket ball and the weight started slowly coming off. At the beginning of the year I decided to have surgery on my back because it had been messed up for a while and I was in constant pain. I planned on having the surgery in the summer. I had the surgery, had an awesome three week vacation/recovery and once I felt 100% I started exercising for real because, for the first time in nearly half a year, I was able to bend and jump and run!
The beginning of the year was when I began to make changes, but the summer was really when everything started happening and falling into place. After my surgery it felt like I was a new person. Perhaps it was due to the pain meds, but I was considerably happier! The summer was so amazing, when I think about it it feels like it was someone else's life. The crazy thing about it is that it actually FELT like summer, just like when I was in school. As an adult, we don't really get that feeling anymore because we are always working. But for those few glorious months, even though I returend to work at some point, it felt like I was a kid again; care free and happy. Honestly, I can't remember the last time I was so happy that I would smile for no reason... so happy that my mind would wander into beautiful day dreams, so happy that I didn't even care it was so hot (I hate hot weather!) IT WAS SO MAGICAL.
But, sadly, the summer ended, life went back to normal and it was as if I woke up from the best dream ever. I returned to school in the fall to start my second year at IVC. Life was average, although I tried to bring back the spark of summer time, it wasn't really the same. Vince and I kept going to the GYM and playing basketball when we had the chance. At some point other people started playing bball with us and we joined the GYM, even though I was against GYM's. I mean, you could just run outside! Or play basketball in the park! But everyone was doing it, and being the conformist I am, I joined too thanks to Vince getting me a membership against my will!! Life was good...ish.
The second biggest thing I wanted to change was my financial situation. I've always struggled with money because I'm horrible at saving, love buying people stuff and waste money like crazy on stupid things I'll never use. I was honestly so tired of being poor, because I truly was poor, that I started looking for another job. It was a scary prospect to leave a job that I was comfortable in but I was done being miserable due to money. And besides, I'd been working for Regal for almost 7 years, it was time for a change, and they weren't going to give me a raise so I applied to different places. Sadly, everyone rejected me. I was a little discouraged but I didn't give up!
One day, I noticed that Cinepolis was hiring so, after a few emails, I got an interview. Then a second interview. Then I started working for the company in November. I was a little nervous but I was excited that I was getting A LOT more money and that, perhaps now, I wouldn't have to struggle financially anymore! Well, two months later, I am happy to say that I am happy with my financial situation although now I am money hungry and want MOAR. But, I will slowly work towards that.
Unfortunately, I let school fall to the back burner while I started this new position, since it consumed all of my free time, and that is the one thing that I am most upset about. It's not that I couldn't juggle a full time job and going to school full time, it's just that I stopped trying. That is something that I will definitely work on in the next few months. I decided to take this semester off as I try to re-focus on what I want/need to accomplish.
The holidays this year were pretty great. I was busy due to work but I think that it was one of the best holidays I've had in a long time. I sort of went holiday crazy in November and decorated the apartment like a Christmas fiend! But it added that warmth and happiness that was missing during previous holidays. We had our Christmas party in early December to kick start the holidays. It was SO much fun because it felt like Christmas morning with all my favorite people. For Christmas, I went to Vince's families house and we had Christmas dinner on Christmas eve. We played games, listened to holiday music, ate delicious turkey, opened presents, ate dessert and passed out on the couch while watching A Christmas Story. Vince and I didn't open presents until the day after Christmas when we came home from work. It was fun opening presents by the tree. I got lots of pretty pink stuff and Vince got lots of dude stuff.
We celebrated the new year by going down to SD to hang out with the SD crew. Vince, Alice and I went to dinner to celebrate her birthday and we had Menchis after that. We went to Noella's house and hung out with our friends by the fire pit as we waited for midnight. The night was cold but it was a fun evening full of friends, food and fun. At midnight we all toasted, cheered and counted down the seconds until January 1, 2013. Vince and I went home, with super stuffed bellies, smelling like smoke and freezing cold. We started the New Year right.
So, in a year I managed to lose close to 40lbs, begin a healthier life style by eating right, get a new job so that I'm not always struggling with money and with all that came happiness. I think it's important to be happy with yourself before you can make others happy and yeah, I'm pretty happy. I know that there are a lot of things that I have yet to accomplish and I am adding new things to my box. You must have a positive attitude so that you attract positive people and positive situations to your life. Negativity attracts negativity. So my advice: no matter how low you get, keep on moving forward with a smile on your face. YOU have control of your own destiny (Prince Zuko) don't let others dictate how to live your life. Break free! Be happy! And don't care what others think!
Sincerely,
Maritza (sittin' in this chair wearing no pants cuz IDGAF)
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