Well, it's been about a week and a half since I had that panic attack, since I felt sick. This feeling I felt slowly went away and I had been doing very well until yesterday when I had a mini panic attack. It's so hard to explain the way I feel... it's just a snowball effect of feelings that just get worse the more I think about it. Yesterday was bad only while I was driving home from dinner. It took all of my energy to not freak out and pull over and just breathe. How and why is this happening to me is what I think about all the time. Why can't I be normal? I guess I've always been weird.
I've read that people usually develop these feelings and fears in the late 20's and early 30's. This anxiety about life and where your life is going. So I don't feel particularly singled out I just wish I didn't feel this way. Most people have started a family by now and have careers and I feel stuck in this limbo of uncertainty. But that's not so bad. I'm not the only one who is confused and scared about the future. What I've learned this past few days is that I don't have to change the way I feel, I have to learn how to feel differently. Basically learn to hand situation with the right feelings.
I dunno, I have a headache.
I know I'm not broken. I have just lost touch with myself. It's so hard to focus on yourself when life is calling for your attention. Work pulls you one way, family another, friends another, school another. It seems like there is never any time for yourself and perhaps that's what freaks me out sometimes even though I'm not conscious about it. I used to spend a lot of time to myself because I played a lot of games or just didn't have anyone to hang out with. Now I go to school, work, have friends and it feels like I can't just BE. I love being alone and doing nothing, or doing whatever I want. But I always feel guilty when I am just sitting and doing nothing, which makes me get up and do things.
It's OK to do nothing. To just be. Go to work, have fun, but don't let it consume you. Do the same with school. It's ok to stand back and walk away from responsibilities for a little while. Even if it's for just 10 minutes. It's OK to stay at home, do nothing. It's OK to be selfish.
I'm currently watching Inception special features and it's all about dreams. I'm freaking out! And I love dreams! Let's all day dream.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Perhaps It IS All in My Head!
Last night I dreamed I went to the doctor but couldn't find her office because I didn't remember her name.
I woke up this morning at 8:30am because that's when my alarm went off. I had my doctors appointment at 10am and it was only half an hour away but I got up anyway, showered, got dressed and headed to the doctor. It was all the way in Fountain Valley which according to the doctor is pretty far away. To me it didn't seem like it though.
I got to the office at 930 and the receptionist took all my info. She mentioned that my deductible was very high and I said yes, yes it was. After about 20 min she slapped on a coat and said she was going to see me now. It was kind of funny that the doctor was also the receptionist. I should have freaked out but I didn't really care. She asked me questions and asked me what was wrong. I pretty much told her what I had talked about yesterday on this here awesome blog. She seemed to change her mind about what could be wrong with me but, after answering some questionnaires to determine my levels of serotonin or whatever, she determined the following:
- What ever I have isn't necessarily happening in my body but probably my mind.
- I am not depressed.
- I have mild anxiety.
- It could be a thyroid issue.
- I might have high blood pressure.
- My birth control is making me break out.
So, she I was prescribed some medication for anxiety cuz apparently the symptoms I am exhibiting are classic symptoms for anxiety. She said that it could be a thyroid issue as well so she sent me to the downstairs offices to get some blood drawn for some blood work. They are going to check for about 6 different things, one of which is my cholesterol cuz that might be the reason for my high blood pressure. She also asked me to monitor my blood pressure because it could just be high due to being at the doctor.
I went down stairs with my prescription, literature on how to cope with anxiety, and a form to take to the vampires (blood tester). The pharmacists were pretty funny and completely inappropriate. I went into the room to get my blood drawn, the guy was matter of fact. I was done with the whole doctor visit in a little more than half an hour. I was home by 11am.
Being diagnosed as having mild anxiety honestly doesn't surprise me. It makes a lot of sense. It all goes back to that crippling fear of throwing up and being sick. Thinking about it just makes me freak out and like I said yesterday, it's just a vicious cycle. I told the doctor about what happened at the Dodgers game and she said that I had a panic attack. WHAT? I've never had a panic attack before! I've never felt like I did that day but OH MAN, I never want to feel like that again. Just imagine being freaked out and afraid in a stadium filled with literally thousands of people! I was trapped and all i wanted to do was go home. It also makes sense that I always feel better when I'm at home because it's safe to me. Nothing and no one can hurt me here.
So today after taking a little nap, Vince and I went to have lunch before he went to work. We went to corner bakery and I had soup. This is the first time I've been out in public since the panic attack on Tuesday. I felt fine when I got in the car, but half way to the restaurant I started getting the dry mouth again. I told myself to calm down and I concentrated on my breathing. We got to the restaurant, ordered and began eating. I only felt a little sick but the more I ate the better I felt. The sickness came and went like waves but it was nothing like the past weekend. I finished quickly and then drove towards home. I decided to stop by CVS to purchase a blood pressure machine. The doctor suggested I get one and take my blood pressure throughout the day because she felt that I might not have high blood pressure so she wasn't going to prescribe me blood pressure medicine. So I went to CVS, got that thing then walked over to Ralphs to get some healthy snacks for work. I made it all the way back home without feeling sick.
That was a great victory for me today! I know that all this is mostly in my head. My mind tends to sway towards the negative constantly, so I'm always bringing myself down for one reason or another. It was suggested that I get rid of the things that cause me anxiety. The main reason for my anxiety that I can think of is my car. OH.MY.GOD you guys. I HATE IT. Every time I get in it I think it's gonna fall apart on me and I'm gonna crash on the freeway. It kind of makes sense that the first time I felt sick it was inside the car while on the way to work. Well, one of my goals this year is to get a new car, but in order to that I need money, and that is stress number two. I'm a lot better off now that I used to be, by far, but still, I never feel like I have enough to be out of debt. Saving money is goal number two.
It seems like I know what's up with me. The doctor didn't suggest I lose weight or change my eating habits. Since my sickness really didn't have classic upset stomach symptoms like throwing up and actually vomiting, it looks like I might be perfectly healthy, physically anyway. We wont know for sure until Monday when I go and see her again in the afternoon. I hope all goes well! Oh yeah, I took my blood pressure and it seems more normal than at the doctor. When I was in her office it was 142/95, but when I took it at home it was 130/83. It's normal when it's 120/80 so it's not too bad I guess.
Honestly, I hate taking pills. The doctor said that I had to take my anxiety medication every time I started to feel sick to my stomach. But I would rather try a holistic approach since I would rather be healthy on my own than to feel good by taking medicine. I did take a stress management class my first semester at IVC, so I know about all this stuff already! I just need to meditate, breathe and use positive imagery. The mind is a very powerful thing, very VERY powerful. And, I don't want to brag but I am super creative so my brain must be like, super powerful, so all I have to do is change the way I think. Be happy. Be positive! It doesn't matter how horrible today may seem, tomorrow will always be better. You know why? Because you have a new opportunity to MAKE it better. It's all up to YOU... to change your faaaaaate. LOLOL.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Why I Have Been Lame Lately or I am Very Sick
Just a warning, this is going to be really long and at the end of it you might think I'm crazy! It's OK cuz I already think I am.
For the past several days I have been feeling very very sick. But in all honesty, I have been feeling sick for a while. It just comes over me all of a sudden for no apparent reason. I have never been as sick as I have been these past several days so I am going to a doctor. I guess feeling "sick" isn't normal and I should have gone to the doctor a lot sooner. And when people ask me what I have I really don't know how to explain it. I just feel ill. I don't feel like myself. I feel fuzzy, out of it. Recently I've felt sick to my stomach, dizzy, weird. It comes and goes. I've noticed that I feel the worst after I eat. At least half an hour after I eat I feel sick. But anyway, here's the story, from the very very beginning. Like I said, it's going to be very long.
IN THE BEGINNING
I guess I started feeling "sick" after one time I was actually really sick. Back when I was 11 or 12. The night before was like any other night. It must have been a weekend, it had to have been because we stayed up later than normal. I had a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats at night. But before I went to sleep I decided to have some eggs. So I cooked them up and pretty much right after I went to sleep.
When I woke up the next morning I had a stomach ache. It was bad enough to the point where I went to find my dad and told him that it hurt. I had already tried going to the bathroom but nothing came out. He told me to go home and drink some pepto. I came home, had a spoonful and went to the couch. I tried to sleep but I couldn't. I remember there was a chips a hoy commercial on TV. We were all watching cartoons. At around noon, when my dad came home for lunch, everyone went outside so I joined them. Out of nowhere I threw up. I remember my siblings saying "ew!" and my vomit was pink because of the pepto. I immediately went inside and laid down on my parents bed.
I think I managed to sleep for a bit and then I got up to go to the bathroom, and while on the toilet, I threw up in the bath tub. I went back to sleep. My dad came home and was mad at the mess I'd made so he made me clean it up. Thankfully all I had to do was turn on the shower. I was crying and I felt really gross. I went to sleep on my bed which was in the living room (we were poor and lived in a trailer) and I got up about three more times to puke through out the day.
Since my dad had gotten mad at me for throwing up in the bathroom, in my mind, the only other place to puke was outside. We lived in the middle of nowhere so I just went outside and threw up over the railing of the porch. Everyone saw me puking my guts out that day. My dad, my mom, my uncle who was living with us at the time, my siblings. From morning to night I threw up. I remember begging my brothers to leave me alone because they thought it was cool to watch me throw up so they would go outside with me. Eventually they lost interest.
I went outside once more, at around 9 at night and I threw up so hard that it came out my nose but there was nothing left in my stomach. What came out was bile. And I threw up so hard that stuff came out the other end too. I went to the bathroom to clean myself up and I knew that it was over. There was no way that I could throw up anything else. I also felt better. So I went to sleep.
I was 11 or 12.
The next day I didn't go to school. In fact I don't think I went to school for a few days. My mom gave me an apple and I ate it and I didn't throw up. I think she gave me medicine. My parents didn't take us to the doctor if we got sick. They sort of just waited it out. And I must have looked better because they didn't take me to the doctor.
The whole day traumatized me so much that ever since then, I would feel "sick" all of a sudden where I thought I was going to throw up and I would ask my mom to hold my hand. It was such a great fear in me that I would ask her to hold my hand even if we had company over. She had to stop what she was doing and attend to me otherwise I would start crying. This would happen for a long time, even into my teen years. Ever since the time I was sick I had a huge fear of throwing up. To the point where I would rather be sick for days than throw up even though people told me just to do it and I would feel much better. If I feel like I'm going to throw up I will cry and cry until I feel better.
So, throughout my life ever since that day I was violently sick, I would go through phases where I would feel "sick" and sometimes I would feel just fine. It would just come and go. I don't know why. I honestly think about that day I was sick every single day of my life. To this damn day. I don't know why it has such a strong hold on my psyche. It traumatized me so much. I haven't been the same since, I know, because I remember how I felt that day, and I know that I don't want to feel sick.
FURTHERMORE
I guess I started going through a "sick" phase starting last year after my surgery. As always, the fear of throwing up was ever present as I went under, then when I woke up, then when I took the hardcore pain killers. It would come and go but it started getting more aggressive after the surgery. Is it a for real thing or is it in my head? I started thinking, and I don't know how I got this thought in my head, that I had actually died when I went in for surgery and that I started creating my own reality. Things were going to well in real life for it to be real. How can life be this great, I thought to myself. I had a nice place to live, I was getting a new job, it was all falling into place. And instead of being happy I was afraid. What if it wasn't real? What if I'm actually dead? Psycho, I know. I mean, the human mind is a powerful thing! So, one night as Vince and I were driving home from dinner I started having a mini panic attack I guess. I was so wired on pain killers I started feeling, or believing I was feeling, my arms and legs going numb while I was driving. I had to move them or else I felt like they were gone. I had to pull over and I was freaking out and crying on the side of the road. I called my mom and she told me to stop freaking out. She probably remembered how I felt when I was sick back in the day, cuz she immediately went into mom mode and in a soothing voice told me to calm down and have some tea and everything was going to be ok. All I said was I felt sick.
I put sick in quotes cuz I'm so freaked out about throwing up that I don't know if I'm actually sick, or the thought of throwing up is so powerful in my mind that it makes me sick to think about it. It's all a vicious cycle. Ever since that night driving, I stopped taking pain killers. I just stopped cold turkey which was possibly a bad idea. My back didn't hurt that much anymore anyway so I didn't need them. I think I suffered from withdrawal but after a while I felt better than ever.
Around the same time I started exercising more and losing weight, so overall I felt really good. There was the occasional day where I felt sick. It would last for a little while then pass. Never for more than a few hours or at most half a day. But a new thing happened to me: I started fearing going outside. Or, to be more accurate, just leaving my house. I like being in my house, I feel safe and comfortable and if I ever do get sick, I would rather be at home when it happens so I can lay down and wallow in my misery. It definitely started after my surgery. I used to be so adventurous and loved driving long distances and visiting new places. But now, the thought if even going shopping in the next city over scares me. I would rather be close to home, eat and shop close to home. But that isn't me, and it's now who I want to become.What kind of a boring person loves staying in? Im slowly becoming a crazy cat lady! But seriously, the fear that I COULD get sick away from home makes me not want to stray too far, which is super super lame.
AND THEN
On Mother's day we all went out for Indian Food, afterwards we went to Yogurtland. I took an hour nap and then I got up to go to work. Half way through my drive to work I was staring at these mountains. One was moving away from me and getting bigger while the other one mimicked it. I don't know why but I immediately felt nauseated. The rest of the day at work I was feeling sick again. I didn't have a stomach ache or an upset stomach or throwing up I just felt sick. It actually went away at the end of the night but for the rest of the day I didn't feel hungry. I had some sprite to help settle my nauseousness. I came home, went to sleep and woke up the next day ready for work. I didn't feel sick anymore, but I also hadn't eaten anything all day. UNTIL a guy at worked offered me pizza. How could I refuse! I had two slices. About an hour later I felt sick again. And again, no "real" symptoms other than I felt sick. Actually, the only thing I did feel was something in my throat, like a lump or something. Also my face got really hot and red. But besides that nothing else. I went home and as soon as I got home I felt better. That night I had a peanut butter sandwich. I felt a little sick before bed but I just went to sleep.
The next day, yesterday, I woke up and I felt fine. We had planned on going to the dodgers game for Matt Kemp Bobble head night. Vince and I picked up Tim, I felt a little sick on the drive to Joanne's house but once we got there I was fine. I took some tums even though I didn't feel acidy, I also took some motion sickness medicine cuz at this point I felt that maybe I was getting motion sickness cuz I felt sick in cars. On the way to the game I felt perfectly fine. We stopped at Philippes in LA and had some sandwiches. I had a salad but I didn't eat much. At the game, I had a pretzel and some Sprite. One pitch into the first inning the sickness came on again. I went to the bathroom and I was so fed up with feeling sick I thought, "WELL, if I have to throw up then I'll just let it happen! I don't even care anymore!" so I bent over the toilet and tried to throw up. I tried 4 times but nothing came out. I admit, I didn't really want to do it, but I knew I should. It didn't happen. This time a new symptom appeared: I had a super dry mouth for some reason. So my mouth was dry and it didnt matter how much water I was drinking it would dry up immediately. That freaked me out because it was making it hard to swallow. So after trying to find gum and failing, I just started sucking on some sour patch kids. The game went by quickly thank goodness. Then we went back to Joannes house, dropped off Tim and came home. I drove home and even though I felt sick during the drive, when I got home I felt better. In the past 4 days I haven't really eaten much because it seemed like every time I ate I got sick. So I've lost about 5 pounds in 4 days, which is nice for my waist but not nice for my health. I've been drinking plenty of water too so I know I'm not dehydrated.
THE EVIDENCE
After talking to Vince and thinking about these feelings of nastiness, I figured that the reason I felt sick was due to my lactose intolerance. I knew I was lactose intolerant because when I was younger I had side pains and I always thought it was my appendix about to burst. My mom finally took me to the doctor and he said that I was probably lactose intolerant. He said to not eat dairy for a day, then eat cheese or drink milk and see what happened. And, unfortunately for milk lover me, it turned out to be true. But I didn't care. I loved dairy and I never stopped, at least not until recently. On Mother's Day I had Indian food and apparently they use heavy cream for all their sauces. And I had A LOT of sauce. Then I had yogurtland and tons of dairy based toppings. I felt sick. The next day I had pizza. I felt sick. Yesterday there was some cheese on my salad. I felt sick. But I did take lactaid pills yesterday so I don't know what's up with that. Today I had a turkey sandwich and Vince got me some chick-fil-a. I had fruit and grilled chicken, lettuce and tomato but no bread. So far I feel OK. Just like earlier, I had that sandwich and I felt fine. Then I went out for a couple of hours and my mouth got dry again, I couldn't swallow and I started to panic. I came home and I felt fine. I don't get dry mouth when I'm at home, just when I'm out. Whats up with that? Is it just my own mind that is making me feel like I am sick when I'm actually fine?
The lactose thing would explain why I feel sick all the time for no apparent reason. I probably just had too much dairy and my body can't take it anymore.
WHY I THINK IM CRAZY
The older I get, the more self aware I become apparently Thanks to Vince for putting words to my thoughts! I think about the future, the fact that I'm getting old. The little things in life do not make me happy because I think about the bigger picture. I no longer think about the day to day awesomeness of life. I think about the future and it always looks so bleak. I'm passed my peak, life will only get lamer from here. My hair line is thinning my skin is aging. My eye sight is failing and of course, the older I get the weaker my immune system is so it makes sense that I will get sick all the time. It's like I'm trying to rationalize why I feel sick all the time. This reminds me of when I had all those headaches a few months back. My head felt so full and it hurt and it was right behind my eyes. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think. I went to the doctor and as soon as I walked out of the office, all the symptoms went away. I took some medicine for sinus infection but after that I felt perfectly fine. Maybe I'm one of those people who are obsessed with going to the doctor? But I hate the doctor! I look at things and think, "Is this real?" and I start to freak out so I turn around and look at something else and try to fall back into robot mode. I think we're all in robot mode, ya know? Wake up, go to work, go home, go to sleep, wake up, go to work. It's such a boring and monotonous life. I thought I hated work because I hated my job, not I'm beginning to realize I hate work because I hate the routine of it. I hate having to go somewhere in order to have money to be happy. Cuz lets face it, money is the only way to be happy since it's the only way to eat and live. It sucks really.
I've been taking everything for granted. I don't know how to acknowledge my reality if that makes sense. OH LAWDY my brain! Maybe this is why Vince hates thinking about outer space... it makes your brain hurt to think that we are here super tiny but there are things out there, HUGE THINGS in space that live for millions of years and we are but a second in the life span of the universe. UGH. Sometimes when I think about space I think of the heaviness of this earth and I feel like I'm being crushed by the weight of it all. Which is why I try not to think like that. Does that make me crazy? Who knows. The point is, in the sea of sheeple, I stop and look around and ask myself, "WhY?!" but no one is there to answer. All I see are people going about their day, every day, not really thinking about much besides what their next immediate action is going to be. Is there some medication I can take to make me go back into the Matrix? Cuz I think if I try to get out people will think I'm crazy, especially the doctor. Speaking of which, that's what I think my life is right now: I am actually not really in reality, but something that resembles it cuz that's what happened when I went into surgery last year and now I'm actually dead. SEE? I must be crazy!
CONCLUSION
I am going to the doctor tomorrow and then another doctor on Friday. Why two doctors? I dunno, I want two opinions. What is wrong with me? is it just anxiety? Am I crazy? Am I depressed? I was kinda sad I moved away from Aliso Viejo for a while but that's mostly gone now. It's that time of month now so I'm kind of emotional and just feeling plain hormone-y. I just don't feel like myself at all. Even this one lady at work asked me a few weeks ago if I was feeling OK cuz I didn't seem like myself lately. I wasn't sick then, but maybe she knew I was feeling lame. Is it allergies? Am I allergic to food or animals? AM I ALLERGIC TO CATS?? It could just be stress, since I have been kind of stressed lately due to my car being lame. And I know that stress can manifest itself physically. But does that explain my dry mouth? My fear of going places that are far away from home? It's ridiculous. And the most ridiculous thing is that I think I have something wrong with me that can't be fixed. What if it's something more serious? UGH the unknown is what scares me, but honestly I think I'm doing it to myself. Why can't I just be the way I used to be? I don't want to feel this way anymore.
So Vince got me that chick-fil-a and I've been sitting at home watching How It's Made. I haven't felt sick and he got this for me a while ago. But I bet you a million dollars that if I have to go out somewhere and I will start to feel sick and have dry mouth again. UGH. OH and, what I finally realized after ALL THESE YEARS, is that when I was sick when I was 11 or 12? I totally had food poisoning. JUST REALIZED THIS literally weeks ago. FUN FACT: I haven't thrown up since then. I've also never eaten Honey Bunches of Oats. And funny enough, I bet it was the milk that did me in that day.
Writing in a diary or blogging used to always make me feel better when I was younger. It felt like I was releasing all these thoughts onto someone else's shoulders so I didn't have to carry them around anymore. It's always been therapeutic for me. Maybe the solution is as simple as blogging more. Maybe I don't need medication and I need a more holistic approach. I don't think Vince would approve of this but I'd much rather be naturally healthy physically, spiritually and mentally than have to rely on pills all the time for my happiness. We all have our ways to vent. Some people drink, others smoke and I have always blogged.
Let's see what happens tomorrow. I hope I feel better and even if I do I will still go to the doctor. I will try to not think so much about things that make my brain explode. And I will MOST DEFINITELY stop eating dairy for reals now. I'm done being sick and if the solution was as simple as that then I will go back to that doctor in Valley Center and shake his nasty hands and thank him for ruining my life. Check back tomorrow for an update!
THE END.
PS. I just remembered that one time I heard on TV that a guy stopped producing saliva and he almost DIED and now he has to take pills to produce saliva. Every time my mouth is dry I think about that guy. I could possibly be a hypochondriac. STAY TUNED!
For the past several days I have been feeling very very sick. But in all honesty, I have been feeling sick for a while. It just comes over me all of a sudden for no apparent reason. I have never been as sick as I have been these past several days so I am going to a doctor. I guess feeling "sick" isn't normal and I should have gone to the doctor a lot sooner. And when people ask me what I have I really don't know how to explain it. I just feel ill. I don't feel like myself. I feel fuzzy, out of it. Recently I've felt sick to my stomach, dizzy, weird. It comes and goes. I've noticed that I feel the worst after I eat. At least half an hour after I eat I feel sick. But anyway, here's the story, from the very very beginning. Like I said, it's going to be very long.
IN THE BEGINNING
I guess I started feeling "sick" after one time I was actually really sick. Back when I was 11 or 12. The night before was like any other night. It must have been a weekend, it had to have been because we stayed up later than normal. I had a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats at night. But before I went to sleep I decided to have some eggs. So I cooked them up and pretty much right after I went to sleep.
When I woke up the next morning I had a stomach ache. It was bad enough to the point where I went to find my dad and told him that it hurt. I had already tried going to the bathroom but nothing came out. He told me to go home and drink some pepto. I came home, had a spoonful and went to the couch. I tried to sleep but I couldn't. I remember there was a chips a hoy commercial on TV. We were all watching cartoons. At around noon, when my dad came home for lunch, everyone went outside so I joined them. Out of nowhere I threw up. I remember my siblings saying "ew!" and my vomit was pink because of the pepto. I immediately went inside and laid down on my parents bed.
I think I managed to sleep for a bit and then I got up to go to the bathroom, and while on the toilet, I threw up in the bath tub. I went back to sleep. My dad came home and was mad at the mess I'd made so he made me clean it up. Thankfully all I had to do was turn on the shower. I was crying and I felt really gross. I went to sleep on my bed which was in the living room (we were poor and lived in a trailer) and I got up about three more times to puke through out the day.
Since my dad had gotten mad at me for throwing up in the bathroom, in my mind, the only other place to puke was outside. We lived in the middle of nowhere so I just went outside and threw up over the railing of the porch. Everyone saw me puking my guts out that day. My dad, my mom, my uncle who was living with us at the time, my siblings. From morning to night I threw up. I remember begging my brothers to leave me alone because they thought it was cool to watch me throw up so they would go outside with me. Eventually they lost interest.
I went outside once more, at around 9 at night and I threw up so hard that it came out my nose but there was nothing left in my stomach. What came out was bile. And I threw up so hard that stuff came out the other end too. I went to the bathroom to clean myself up and I knew that it was over. There was no way that I could throw up anything else. I also felt better. So I went to sleep.
I was 11 or 12.
The next day I didn't go to school. In fact I don't think I went to school for a few days. My mom gave me an apple and I ate it and I didn't throw up. I think she gave me medicine. My parents didn't take us to the doctor if we got sick. They sort of just waited it out. And I must have looked better because they didn't take me to the doctor.
The whole day traumatized me so much that ever since then, I would feel "sick" all of a sudden where I thought I was going to throw up and I would ask my mom to hold my hand. It was such a great fear in me that I would ask her to hold my hand even if we had company over. She had to stop what she was doing and attend to me otherwise I would start crying. This would happen for a long time, even into my teen years. Ever since the time I was sick I had a huge fear of throwing up. To the point where I would rather be sick for days than throw up even though people told me just to do it and I would feel much better. If I feel like I'm going to throw up I will cry and cry until I feel better.
So, throughout my life ever since that day I was violently sick, I would go through phases where I would feel "sick" and sometimes I would feel just fine. It would just come and go. I don't know why. I honestly think about that day I was sick every single day of my life. To this damn day. I don't know why it has such a strong hold on my psyche. It traumatized me so much. I haven't been the same since, I know, because I remember how I felt that day, and I know that I don't want to feel sick.
FURTHERMORE
I guess I started going through a "sick" phase starting last year after my surgery. As always, the fear of throwing up was ever present as I went under, then when I woke up, then when I took the hardcore pain killers. It would come and go but it started getting more aggressive after the surgery. Is it a for real thing or is it in my head? I started thinking, and I don't know how I got this thought in my head, that I had actually died when I went in for surgery and that I started creating my own reality. Things were going to well in real life for it to be real. How can life be this great, I thought to myself. I had a nice place to live, I was getting a new job, it was all falling into place. And instead of being happy I was afraid. What if it wasn't real? What if I'm actually dead? Psycho, I know. I mean, the human mind is a powerful thing! So, one night as Vince and I were driving home from dinner I started having a mini panic attack I guess. I was so wired on pain killers I started feeling, or believing I was feeling, my arms and legs going numb while I was driving. I had to move them or else I felt like they were gone. I had to pull over and I was freaking out and crying on the side of the road. I called my mom and she told me to stop freaking out. She probably remembered how I felt when I was sick back in the day, cuz she immediately went into mom mode and in a soothing voice told me to calm down and have some tea and everything was going to be ok. All I said was I felt sick.
I put sick in quotes cuz I'm so freaked out about throwing up that I don't know if I'm actually sick, or the thought of throwing up is so powerful in my mind that it makes me sick to think about it. It's all a vicious cycle. Ever since that night driving, I stopped taking pain killers. I just stopped cold turkey which was possibly a bad idea. My back didn't hurt that much anymore anyway so I didn't need them. I think I suffered from withdrawal but after a while I felt better than ever.
Around the same time I started exercising more and losing weight, so overall I felt really good. There was the occasional day where I felt sick. It would last for a little while then pass. Never for more than a few hours or at most half a day. But a new thing happened to me: I started fearing going outside. Or, to be more accurate, just leaving my house. I like being in my house, I feel safe and comfortable and if I ever do get sick, I would rather be at home when it happens so I can lay down and wallow in my misery. It definitely started after my surgery. I used to be so adventurous and loved driving long distances and visiting new places. But now, the thought if even going shopping in the next city over scares me. I would rather be close to home, eat and shop close to home. But that isn't me, and it's now who I want to become.What kind of a boring person loves staying in? Im slowly becoming a crazy cat lady! But seriously, the fear that I COULD get sick away from home makes me not want to stray too far, which is super super lame.
AND THEN
On Mother's day we all went out for Indian Food, afterwards we went to Yogurtland. I took an hour nap and then I got up to go to work. Half way through my drive to work I was staring at these mountains. One was moving away from me and getting bigger while the other one mimicked it. I don't know why but I immediately felt nauseated. The rest of the day at work I was feeling sick again. I didn't have a stomach ache or an upset stomach or throwing up I just felt sick. It actually went away at the end of the night but for the rest of the day I didn't feel hungry. I had some sprite to help settle my nauseousness. I came home, went to sleep and woke up the next day ready for work. I didn't feel sick anymore, but I also hadn't eaten anything all day. UNTIL a guy at worked offered me pizza. How could I refuse! I had two slices. About an hour later I felt sick again. And again, no "real" symptoms other than I felt sick. Actually, the only thing I did feel was something in my throat, like a lump or something. Also my face got really hot and red. But besides that nothing else. I went home and as soon as I got home I felt better. That night I had a peanut butter sandwich. I felt a little sick before bed but I just went to sleep.
The next day, yesterday, I woke up and I felt fine. We had planned on going to the dodgers game for Matt Kemp Bobble head night. Vince and I picked up Tim, I felt a little sick on the drive to Joanne's house but once we got there I was fine. I took some tums even though I didn't feel acidy, I also took some motion sickness medicine cuz at this point I felt that maybe I was getting motion sickness cuz I felt sick in cars. On the way to the game I felt perfectly fine. We stopped at Philippes in LA and had some sandwiches. I had a salad but I didn't eat much. At the game, I had a pretzel and some Sprite. One pitch into the first inning the sickness came on again. I went to the bathroom and I was so fed up with feeling sick I thought, "WELL, if I have to throw up then I'll just let it happen! I don't even care anymore!" so I bent over the toilet and tried to throw up. I tried 4 times but nothing came out. I admit, I didn't really want to do it, but I knew I should. It didn't happen. This time a new symptom appeared: I had a super dry mouth for some reason. So my mouth was dry and it didnt matter how much water I was drinking it would dry up immediately. That freaked me out because it was making it hard to swallow. So after trying to find gum and failing, I just started sucking on some sour patch kids. The game went by quickly thank goodness. Then we went back to Joannes house, dropped off Tim and came home. I drove home and even though I felt sick during the drive, when I got home I felt better. In the past 4 days I haven't really eaten much because it seemed like every time I ate I got sick. So I've lost about 5 pounds in 4 days, which is nice for my waist but not nice for my health. I've been drinking plenty of water too so I know I'm not dehydrated.
THE EVIDENCE
After talking to Vince and thinking about these feelings of nastiness, I figured that the reason I felt sick was due to my lactose intolerance. I knew I was lactose intolerant because when I was younger I had side pains and I always thought it was my appendix about to burst. My mom finally took me to the doctor and he said that I was probably lactose intolerant. He said to not eat dairy for a day, then eat cheese or drink milk and see what happened. And, unfortunately for milk lover me, it turned out to be true. But I didn't care. I loved dairy and I never stopped, at least not until recently. On Mother's Day I had Indian food and apparently they use heavy cream for all their sauces. And I had A LOT of sauce. Then I had yogurtland and tons of dairy based toppings. I felt sick. The next day I had pizza. I felt sick. Yesterday there was some cheese on my salad. I felt sick. But I did take lactaid pills yesterday so I don't know what's up with that. Today I had a turkey sandwich and Vince got me some chick-fil-a. I had fruit and grilled chicken, lettuce and tomato but no bread. So far I feel OK. Just like earlier, I had that sandwich and I felt fine. Then I went out for a couple of hours and my mouth got dry again, I couldn't swallow and I started to panic. I came home and I felt fine. I don't get dry mouth when I'm at home, just when I'm out. Whats up with that? Is it just my own mind that is making me feel like I am sick when I'm actually fine?
The lactose thing would explain why I feel sick all the time for no apparent reason. I probably just had too much dairy and my body can't take it anymore.
WHY I THINK IM CRAZY
The older I get, the more self aware I become apparently Thanks to Vince for putting words to my thoughts! I think about the future, the fact that I'm getting old. The little things in life do not make me happy because I think about the bigger picture. I no longer think about the day to day awesomeness of life. I think about the future and it always looks so bleak. I'm passed my peak, life will only get lamer from here. My hair line is thinning my skin is aging. My eye sight is failing and of course, the older I get the weaker my immune system is so it makes sense that I will get sick all the time. It's like I'm trying to rationalize why I feel sick all the time. This reminds me of when I had all those headaches a few months back. My head felt so full and it hurt and it was right behind my eyes. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think. I went to the doctor and as soon as I walked out of the office, all the symptoms went away. I took some medicine for sinus infection but after that I felt perfectly fine. Maybe I'm one of those people who are obsessed with going to the doctor? But I hate the doctor! I look at things and think, "Is this real?" and I start to freak out so I turn around and look at something else and try to fall back into robot mode. I think we're all in robot mode, ya know? Wake up, go to work, go home, go to sleep, wake up, go to work. It's such a boring and monotonous life. I thought I hated work because I hated my job, not I'm beginning to realize I hate work because I hate the routine of it. I hate having to go somewhere in order to have money to be happy. Cuz lets face it, money is the only way to be happy since it's the only way to eat and live. It sucks really.
I've been taking everything for granted. I don't know how to acknowledge my reality if that makes sense. OH LAWDY my brain! Maybe this is why Vince hates thinking about outer space... it makes your brain hurt to think that we are here super tiny but there are things out there, HUGE THINGS in space that live for millions of years and we are but a second in the life span of the universe. UGH. Sometimes when I think about space I think of the heaviness of this earth and I feel like I'm being crushed by the weight of it all. Which is why I try not to think like that. Does that make me crazy? Who knows. The point is, in the sea of sheeple, I stop and look around and ask myself, "WhY?!" but no one is there to answer. All I see are people going about their day, every day, not really thinking about much besides what their next immediate action is going to be. Is there some medication I can take to make me go back into the Matrix? Cuz I think if I try to get out people will think I'm crazy, especially the doctor. Speaking of which, that's what I think my life is right now: I am actually not really in reality, but something that resembles it cuz that's what happened when I went into surgery last year and now I'm actually dead. SEE? I must be crazy!
CONCLUSION
I am going to the doctor tomorrow and then another doctor on Friday. Why two doctors? I dunno, I want two opinions. What is wrong with me? is it just anxiety? Am I crazy? Am I depressed? I was kinda sad I moved away from Aliso Viejo for a while but that's mostly gone now. It's that time of month now so I'm kind of emotional and just feeling plain hormone-y. I just don't feel like myself at all. Even this one lady at work asked me a few weeks ago if I was feeling OK cuz I didn't seem like myself lately. I wasn't sick then, but maybe she knew I was feeling lame. Is it allergies? Am I allergic to food or animals? AM I ALLERGIC TO CATS?? It could just be stress, since I have been kind of stressed lately due to my car being lame. And I know that stress can manifest itself physically. But does that explain my dry mouth? My fear of going places that are far away from home? It's ridiculous. And the most ridiculous thing is that I think I have something wrong with me that can't be fixed. What if it's something more serious? UGH the unknown is what scares me, but honestly I think I'm doing it to myself. Why can't I just be the way I used to be? I don't want to feel this way anymore.
So Vince got me that chick-fil-a and I've been sitting at home watching How It's Made. I haven't felt sick and he got this for me a while ago. But I bet you a million dollars that if I have to go out somewhere and I will start to feel sick and have dry mouth again. UGH. OH and, what I finally realized after ALL THESE YEARS, is that when I was sick when I was 11 or 12? I totally had food poisoning. JUST REALIZED THIS literally weeks ago. FUN FACT: I haven't thrown up since then. I've also never eaten Honey Bunches of Oats. And funny enough, I bet it was the milk that did me in that day.
Writing in a diary or blogging used to always make me feel better when I was younger. It felt like I was releasing all these thoughts onto someone else's shoulders so I didn't have to carry them around anymore. It's always been therapeutic for me. Maybe the solution is as simple as blogging more. Maybe I don't need medication and I need a more holistic approach. I don't think Vince would approve of this but I'd much rather be naturally healthy physically, spiritually and mentally than have to rely on pills all the time for my happiness. We all have our ways to vent. Some people drink, others smoke and I have always blogged.
Let's see what happens tomorrow. I hope I feel better and even if I do I will still go to the doctor. I will try to not think so much about things that make my brain explode. And I will MOST DEFINITELY stop eating dairy for reals now. I'm done being sick and if the solution was as simple as that then I will go back to that doctor in Valley Center and shake his nasty hands and thank him for ruining my life. Check back tomorrow for an update!
THE END.
PS. I just remembered that one time I heard on TV that a guy stopped producing saliva and he almost DIED and now he has to take pills to produce saliva. Every time my mouth is dry I think about that guy. I could possibly be a hypochondriac. STAY TUNED!
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