It rained today. I was woken up by the downpour, which was unnerving but delightful. Nothing makes me happier than the rain. It reminds me of something good. It reminds me of a moment in time when things were bad, but then they got good and I was hopeful. I guess it reminds me of a character in a book, and with him came wonderful things.
I have a really cool boss, and I had the pleasure of talking to him for a long time yesterday. I showed him some of my drawings and I mentioned that I tend to make more mistakes when I draw with pencil, because I know that if I mess up I can erase it. When I draw in pen, I know I can't mess up so I don't. He said it was all in my head. I also told him I hadn't gone to the beach all summer and that I didn't have time.
Later, I asked him his secret for having a cool life. Said boss man was spending the next day (today, Saturday) at the shooting range with Keanu Reeves. He told me that his secret was to just do it, just go for it. He told me that I am living a pencil and eraser life, and that if I kept living that way, I would keep erasing everything and not more forward (he didn't say all that exactly, but it's basically what he meant) He told me that if I wanted to go to the beach, then I have to go to the beach. And that mentality should spread through all aspects of my life. That's how he has such a cool life. He just lives.
Recently I discovered that I live really close to a new arcade, and in the past month I've been there 4 times. One of those times, I got to meet some super cool dudes that I would never have met if I spent all my time at home, sleeping. I feel like I am on the cusp of something great, like the new chapter of my life is beginning. I just need to grab that pen and start writing.
Less than 2 months until vacation.
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Monday, July 13, 2015
I Can Feel Things!
I am now able to fully appreciate songs and with that appreciation comes feelings. I have been feeling a lot of feelings lately. Think of the wide spectrum of human emotion and I have felt it. From warm and tingling happiness to heart breaking, chest pain-wrecking sadness. It's weird to feel things now, when I spent such a long time feeling nothing at all, and when I did feel stuff it was uncertainty and being scared.
When people think of depression they think that the person is sad all the time and probably wears a lot of black clothes. But in reality, a depressed person looks and behaves normally for the most part. I guess, in a morbidly obese way, it's why a lot of people are shocked when someone they know commits suicide. "I didn't know how depressed they were. They always seemed so happy!"
I addition to feeling things, I am also in tune with my body due to not taking birth control anymore! Fight the power! But another side affect of not taking birth control is having more access to my girly emotions. But this is a good thing! I get sad at certain points of the month when most girls want to watch sappy movies and eat chocolate all day. Wait... that's me all the time! LOLZ jk. But for cereal, it's strange to feel thing things I've gone years without feeling.
I went to see the doctor recently and he wanted to know why I hadn't gone to see a psychiatrist yet. I guess I didn't really think about going because I felt OK. But, I only feel this way due to the medication I am taking. I need to fix the underlying cause of my phobia and anxiety. I think about it and then I put it out of my mind but I know I can't take medicine forever, and I don't want to. But I am also afraid that if I go off of it, I will fall back into bad habits again.
Fortunately for me, a leading cause of my anxiety, frustration, anger and sadness is now gone. However, it left a hole that I now have to fill with something. For a while it was burritos. But then I realized that missing piece was a purpose. Today, I started getting my stuff together so I can start applying to Fullerton. Going to Fullerton was a "goal" but it wasn't really, it was just something I said so people would be like, "Oh man look at this girl! She is going places!" But today I realized I DO want to go there, and I want to go there BAD. And that is my purpose.
Due to me being mentally unstable and not being able to finish a bunch of classes, my transfer is taking longer than normal. But in a little over a year, as long as I do not fall off track, I will be able to transfer. Of course, acceptance into the school is not guaranteed, but that is not stopping me. I want to have a purpose, I need to have one. Otherwise I am a leaf twirling in the wind, stopping wherever there is an obstacle.
While I was thinking about life, as I often do while I'm driving home from work late at night, I thought about how much I wanted to be a sound effects person when I was little. I LOVED watching Movie Magic on Saturday's and I thought it was so cool how movies were made. In fact, watching behind the scenes stuff on Blu Rays is almost better to me than the actual movie. For some reason, the sound effects portion of movies is what really stood out to me. When I was little, I wanted to be that person so bad! When I watch movies to this day, I am always aware of the sounds. I guess that's why I love movie soundtracks so much. How does one become the sound affects person? I dunno, but that'd be cool to do still.
In other news: SPACE! I am reading The Martian because Matt Damon. The book reads like a journal and I am curious how that will translate into a movie. I am thinking it might be along the lines of Cast Away? But I've never seen Cast Away so what do I know! I'm also watching Ascension on Netflix, a Sy Fy original min series. The first three episodes got me like WHAAAT? So I am excited for the conclusion of this crazy tale.
In conclusion, I am going on vacation in about 2 months and I am so excited! I haven't been on a LEGIT vacation in over 15 years. I'm talking about taking two whole weeks off and actually going places! Then coming home and doing nothing! AAHH I can't wait!!! More on that another day though, for I am coming down with a case of the lazies. I should really consider sleeping more often.
When people think of depression they think that the person is sad all the time and probably wears a lot of black clothes. But in reality, a depressed person looks and behaves normally for the most part. I guess, in a morbidly obese way, it's why a lot of people are shocked when someone they know commits suicide. "I didn't know how depressed they were. They always seemed so happy!"
I addition to feeling things, I am also in tune with my body due to not taking birth control anymore! Fight the power! But another side affect of not taking birth control is having more access to my girly emotions. But this is a good thing! I get sad at certain points of the month when most girls want to watch sappy movies and eat chocolate all day. Wait... that's me all the time! LOLZ jk. But for cereal, it's strange to feel thing things I've gone years without feeling.
I went to see the doctor recently and he wanted to know why I hadn't gone to see a psychiatrist yet. I guess I didn't really think about going because I felt OK. But, I only feel this way due to the medication I am taking. I need to fix the underlying cause of my phobia and anxiety. I think about it and then I put it out of my mind but I know I can't take medicine forever, and I don't want to. But I am also afraid that if I go off of it, I will fall back into bad habits again.
Fortunately for me, a leading cause of my anxiety, frustration, anger and sadness is now gone. However, it left a hole that I now have to fill with something. For a while it was burritos. But then I realized that missing piece was a purpose. Today, I started getting my stuff together so I can start applying to Fullerton. Going to Fullerton was a "goal" but it wasn't really, it was just something I said so people would be like, "Oh man look at this girl! She is going places!" But today I realized I DO want to go there, and I want to go there BAD. And that is my purpose.
Due to me being mentally unstable and not being able to finish a bunch of classes, my transfer is taking longer than normal. But in a little over a year, as long as I do not fall off track, I will be able to transfer. Of course, acceptance into the school is not guaranteed, but that is not stopping me. I want to have a purpose, I need to have one. Otherwise I am a leaf twirling in the wind, stopping wherever there is an obstacle.
While I was thinking about life, as I often do while I'm driving home from work late at night, I thought about how much I wanted to be a sound effects person when I was little. I LOVED watching Movie Magic on Saturday's and I thought it was so cool how movies were made. In fact, watching behind the scenes stuff on Blu Rays is almost better to me than the actual movie. For some reason, the sound effects portion of movies is what really stood out to me. When I was little, I wanted to be that person so bad! When I watch movies to this day, I am always aware of the sounds. I guess that's why I love movie soundtracks so much. How does one become the sound affects person? I dunno, but that'd be cool to do still.
In other news: SPACE! I am reading The Martian because Matt Damon. The book reads like a journal and I am curious how that will translate into a movie. I am thinking it might be along the lines of Cast Away? But I've never seen Cast Away so what do I know! I'm also watching Ascension on Netflix, a Sy Fy original min series. The first three episodes got me like WHAAAT? So I am excited for the conclusion of this crazy tale.
In conclusion, I am going on vacation in about 2 months and I am so excited! I haven't been on a LEGIT vacation in over 15 years. I'm talking about taking two whole weeks off and actually going places! Then coming home and doing nothing! AAHH I can't wait!!! More on that another day though, for I am coming down with a case of the lazies. I should really consider sleeping more often.
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