Resurgence

HEY! I'm still here! My last update was over a year ago. Dang, there have been some changes FO REAL. I've been wanting to update this for a while because writing is so cathartic. Welp, let's start at the beginning...

Last summer I visited Florida for the first time ever with Tim. We visited Jennifer for 5 days and they were awesome! My first experience with the Floridian humidity was disgust, because I hate being hot. I described going outside as a hot hug from Satan. Those 5 days were awesome though! We went to Universal Studios and to Coco beach! It was a lot of fun. During that time, Jennifer kept asking me to move to Florida so I could work with her. I was like EHH, maybe?

Well, almost a year later I took her up on her offer and transferred to FLORIDA! I was offered a new position in corporate, so I took it and made the move! I packed everything I could in my car, I put the rest of the junk in storage, then I threw Mallow in the car and drove to Florida. It was a fun cross country trip! Mallow was a wonderful companion. I went through the middle of the country, so I got to see a bunch of states I hadn't seen before. I think my favorite by far was Arkansas. I know, weird right? I dunno, I just thought it was the most beautiful.

So, what made me move to Florida? Honestly, it was just boredom with my current life. I was living in my favorite city EVER, but I wanted a change. Also, I was still recovering from breaking up with my long term bf, although at that time, it had already been over a year, but still, leaving someone you spent the majority of your 20's with kind of leaves an impact in your life. Any-who, I thought that if I went somewhere knew, that it could be a fresh start for me! And I guess it was... sort of. More on that later!

So I've been in Florida now for 6 months. I live in the wonderful city of Fort Pierce. I know you THINK you've never heard of it, but you have. Remember those shootings in the Orlando night club earlier this year? The dude lived here. Just 2 or 3 streets from where I live. FP is conveniently located half way between Orlando and Miami, which is the range of theaters I have to visit on a weekly basis. So it made sense to live here, also it's cheap. But I guess it's cheap cuz it's ghetto!

Work is chill. I get to travel to all the different locations, so although the work is the same every week, at least the scenery changes often. I also live on my own for the first time in my life, which is amazing! That's why Florida is great; it's cheap to live here!

SO, I've learned a lot about myself while I was over here. WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG AND BORING. Basically, people think I'm this super outgoing person who isn't scared of people or conversation or whatever, but that's not the case at all. I like to think that I am outgoing and whatever, but honestly, I'm a homebody. I LOVE being at home and cooking, watching scary movies and taking naps. The problem is, I start to feel guilty for liking those things, so I try to go out and do stuff. But it's not fun if it's forced, right?

The whole dating thing really bothers me too. If I fall in love, I want it to be natural, like, I meet the future love of my life at the store or at the local arcade or at Disneyworld and then it just happens and it's magical. BUT, dating now is like OH HEY THIS DUDES FACE IS OK, let me send him a message and lets see if it works! I tried it. I hated it. I always felt like more was expected from me in a way. And also, I'm super friendly and I think I scared a lot of dudes off haha. OH WELL. It took me a long time to even TRY to date, cuz as a recent study shows, when you're in a committed  relationship, other dudes are less attractive, so it took me a long time to even feel something when I looked at a guy. Mostly I felt hunger cuz I made them buy me dinner.

In other news, I decided last year to start weening myself off of my antidepressants. It was a slow process and it took several months. I asked my doctor to decrease my dosage and she said no, cuz some people need to be on medicine all the time, like diabetics. I was like, UHH WHAT? I understand what she meant, but I didn't want to rely on medication to make me feel 'normal' so I was like, SCREW DAT NOIZE and I decided to reduce the medication on my own. Obviously, according to the internet and doctors and junk, this is super dangerous cuz of the side effects and maybe you THINK you're better but you're actually not and then your brain explodes! Thankfully, I am quite aware of my mental state and I was sure that I did not want to be on medicine for ever and that I was perfectly fine. IF I ever start to feel 'bad' again, then I will go see my doctor and we can talk about it. SO, if you're on medicine and thinking about getting off of it, see your doctor... and probably follow their orders, don't do what I did.

Last month was the last time I took my pill. After months and months of slowly tapering off, I finally didn't need them anymore. It's been AWESOME!

First off, I started to FEEL real emotions. A few posts back I talked about being able to feel emotions but those were clouded emotions. Like, I felt happy but I never laughed, I felt sad but I never cried, if that makes sense? I knew the medication was wearing off because I started to laugh for real one day when I was watching a movie. And the more I watched, the more I laughed and laughed. It felt so good! That was the first emotion that came back. Next came sadness. I've always been emotional to begin with but, I was watching something on YouTube and it made me cry, and it felt so sad and I was like WHAT IS THIS?! It was nice to cry, I mean for reals cry, in a long time. Then I felt scared. When I was on my medication I really felt nothing at all, I was numb to everything. I almost got in a car accident one time and my heart didn't even race! No adrenaline was triggered in my body and I just went about my day. THAT's actually when I decided I should probably get off my medication. Anyway, so, the good thing about the medication I was on was that it made me pretty 'normal' in a sense that I didn't really question anything. I love paranormal stuff and I would watch a ghost show and be like 'This is so fake, why would anyone watch this? Ghosts are probably not even real' But then, I watched My Ghost Story and I got SO SCARED, it was awesome!!! Seriously, it felt like being re-born!

The final emotion that came back was anger. I hadn't felt anger in a long time. I'm talking about that anger you feel when someone disrespects your mom and you get that warm feeling all in your body. I got mad at Mallow. He did some cat thing that pissed me off and I was PISSED. I felt super bad about it but I was also happy because I got my anger back! So, part of me likes that I have these feelings back, but I also wish that some of that numbness stayed because it kind of helps it certain situations.

Anyway, I think that's all I got for now! Remember: don't live the pencil and eraser life! Live the pen life!

The Girl Who Didn't Wait

It rained today. I was woken up by the downpour, which was unnerving but delightful. Nothing makes me happier than the rain. It reminds me of something good. It reminds me of a moment in time when things were bad, but then they got good and I was hopeful. I guess it reminds me of a character in a book, and with him came wonderful things.

I have a really cool boss, and I had the pleasure of talking to him for a long time yesterday. I showed him some of my drawings and I mentioned that I tend to make more mistakes when I draw with pencil, because I know that if I mess up I can erase it. When I draw in pen, I know I can't mess up so I don't. He said it was all in my head. I also told him I hadn't gone to the beach all summer and that I didn't have time.

Later, I asked him his secret for having a cool life. Said boss man was spending the next day (today, Saturday) at the shooting range with Keanu Reeves. He told me that his secret was to just do it, just go for it. He told me that I am living a pencil and eraser life, and that if I kept living that way, I would keep erasing everything and not more forward (he didn't say all that exactly, but it's basically what he meant) He told me that if I wanted to go to the beach, then I have to go to the beach. And that mentality should spread through all aspects of my life. That's how he has such a cool life. He just lives.

Recently I discovered that I live really close to a new arcade, and in the past month I've been there 4 times. One of those times, I got to meet some super cool dudes that I would never have met if I spent all my time at home, sleeping. I feel like I am on the cusp of something great, like the new chapter of my life is beginning. I just need to grab that pen and start writing.

Less than 2 months until vacation.

I Can Feel Things!

I am now able to fully appreciate songs and with that appreciation comes feelings. I have been feeling a lot of feelings lately. Think of the wide spectrum of human emotion and I have felt it. From warm and tingling happiness to heart breaking, chest pain-wrecking sadness. It's weird to feel things now, when I spent such a long time feeling nothing at all, and when I did feel stuff it was uncertainty and being scared.

When people think of depression they think that the person is sad all the time and probably wears a lot of black clothes. But in reality, a depressed person looks and behaves normally for the most part. I guess, in a morbidly obese way, it's why a lot of people are shocked when someone they know commits suicide. "I didn't know how depressed they were. They always seemed so happy!"

I addition to feeling things, I am also in tune with my body due to not taking birth control anymore! Fight the power! But another side affect of not taking birth control is having more access to my girly emotions. But this is a good thing! I get sad at certain points of the month when most girls want to watch sappy movies and eat chocolate all day. Wait... that's me all the time! LOLZ jk. But for cereal, it's strange to feel thing things I've gone years without feeling.

I went to see the doctor recently and he wanted to know why I hadn't gone to see a psychiatrist yet. I guess I didn't really think about going because I felt OK. But, I only feel this way due to the medication I am taking. I need to fix the underlying cause of my phobia and anxiety. I think about it and then I put it out of my mind but I know I can't take medicine forever, and I don't want to. But I am also afraid that if I go off of it, I will fall back into bad habits again.

Fortunately for me, a leading cause of my anxiety, frustration, anger and sadness is now gone. However, it left a hole that I now have to fill with something. For a while it was burritos. But then I realized that missing piece was a purpose. Today, I started getting my stuff together so I can start applying to Fullerton. Going to Fullerton was a "goal" but it wasn't really, it was just something I said so people would be like, "Oh man look at this girl! She is going places!" But today I realized I DO want to go there, and I want to go there BAD. And that is my purpose.

Due to me being mentally unstable and not being able to finish a bunch of classes, my transfer is taking longer than normal. But in a little over a year, as long as I do not fall off track, I will be able to transfer. Of course, acceptance into the school is not guaranteed, but that is not stopping me. I want to have a purpose, I need to have one. Otherwise I am a leaf twirling in the wind, stopping wherever there is an obstacle.

While I was thinking about life, as I often do while I'm driving home from work late at night, I thought about how much I wanted to be a sound effects person when I was little. I LOVED watching Movie Magic on Saturday's and I thought it was so cool how movies were made. In fact, watching behind the scenes stuff on Blu Rays is almost better to me than the actual movie. For some reason, the sound effects portion of movies is what really stood out to me. When I was little, I wanted to be that person so bad! When I watch movies to this day, I am always aware of the sounds. I guess that's why I love movie soundtracks so much. How does one become the sound affects person? I dunno, but that'd be cool to do still.

In other news: SPACE! I am reading The Martian because Matt Damon. The book reads like a journal and I am curious how that will translate into a movie. I am thinking it might be along the lines of Cast Away? But I've never seen Cast Away so what do I know! I'm also watching Ascension on Netflix, a Sy Fy original min series. The first three episodes got me like WHAAAT? So I am excited for the conclusion of this crazy tale.

In conclusion, I am going on vacation in about 2 months and I am so excited! I haven't been on a LEGIT vacation in over 15 years. I'm talking about taking two whole weeks off and actually going places! Then coming home and doing nothing! AAHH I can't wait!!! More on that another day though, for I am coming down with a case of the lazies. I should really consider sleeping more often.

I feel Weird

It's hard to differentiate between sadness and depression when these feelings were normal for so long. Back in the day, I would feel blue and it was just another day for me. I didn't know that I wasn't supposed to feel that way, or that it wasn't normal to feel like that all the time. Now that I am two years into recovering my emotions, it's easy to tell the difference between genuine sadness and a case of the Monday's, because there isn't a little grey cloud hovering over my head 24/7.

I fell asleep early tonight because I had an early day, then I played basketball, and I was doing homework when I just dozed off. I woke up a couple hours later and I just felt sad. And I knew it was sadness, and not just me thinking I was sad, if that makes sense. Today I was about to cry over the stupidest thing and I thought to myself, "Really? WTF are you gonna cry about that for?" It's been kind of an emotional week. I don't really have anyone to turn to when I'm sad anymore, so I just kind of cry it out and try to go on with my day and I know that this feeling will pass, and it's normal to be sad sometimes, and I don't dwell on it.

One thing I learned from my whole mental situation is that I coped with things in the wrong way. Instead of addressing my emotions, I would bottle them up and just wait for them to be buried so far down, they didn't bother me anymore. But the problems never went away, they festered down there in the pit of my soul, and the next time they flared up, it was twice as bad as the first time. And it would continue like that until I finally broke.

I used to listen to a mindfulness CD in my car to help with my driving anxiety. There were 6 tracks and each one was meant to help you cope with emotions and different types of anxiety. I probably shouldn't have listened to it in the car, but it was the only way I could drive myself to work! Anyway, one of the tracks talks about a stressful day, like maybe something bad happened at work or you remember something bad that happened and you feel a panic attack coming on. Instead of trying to forget about the problems, the CD tells you to look the problem head on. To NOT hide the fear or anxiety, but to know that it IS there and you have to deal with it. That anxiety, fear, sadness, are all natural emotions and it's OK to have them. The CD, along with it's accompanying work book, really helped me get down to the root cause of my problem and figure out that I was coping with my issues in the completely wrong way.

Anyway, lately I have been feeling down in the dumps for a couple of reasons. The main issue is that I gained a bunch of weight and I feel ashamed of myself. Maybe ashamed is the wrong word, I just feel gross and ugly. I let all that hard work go to waste just because I was too lazy to go outside for a walk. I also feel tired all the time. And you KNOW that I get SO MAD when I get woken up from my sleep. LIKE SO MAD. I have bee sharing a room with my nephew because he loves to spend time with me, but he has no regard for people sleeping and does whatever the heck he wants and all hours of day or night. On top of that, my body has been acting weird... maybe it's that I'm getting used to all this weight gain but I feel swollen and bruised and stuff hurts all the time, like my feet. Also, I feel overwhelmed with all the school work I have, only because my time management has been straight shit these past couple of weeks.

The good thing is that I know how to deal with all these issues, and I will deal with them individually instead of letting it all get so crazy that I just shut down. So, today I went to play basketball and I made sure I didn't over eat. I started on my homework so I won't fall behind (even though I fell asleep half way through) and I will make sure my nephew understands that I work late and he shouldn't be rude and wake me up! I know that losing weight will take time, and I just need to keep up with my studies and all will be fine. Finally, I am sad because this one guy who used to be my best friend but then dumped me twice is leaving for 4 years and I feel weird about it and I know I shouldn't because he's a jerk. But I can't help but miss him.

2 Years Later

More than a year ago, I wrote an e-mail to myself to be delivered at a random date into the future. I don't remember when it was supposed to be delivered, but I dread the day that it shows up in my inbox. I'm afraid that I will not recognize me from the past. I also know that it will make me very sad.

For the past few weeks I have been listening to music on the radio. It's been two years almost to the day that I could only listen to talk radio for two reasons: a) I didn't want to listen to music because I would attach my current mood to music and I didn't want to destroy songs for myself and 2) Listening to people talk calmed my nerves.

Two years ago on Mother's Day was when my depression started, I guess. By the end of that year I was HELLA depressed and anxiety ridden. God, what a terrible way to end 2013. 2014 started off well enough, but that took a turn for the worst right after Valentine's Day. Anyway, Mother's Day came, almost unnoticed, until I was driving home that night. I was in my car, singing along to a song, when I realized that I COULD actually listen to music! When did that happen, I asked myself? I dunno, like three weeks ago I guess. There are some songs that I like listening to! It seems like something so stupid, but just IMAGINE, I have been listening to NOTHING but talk radio in the car for the past two years! And now I feel like I don't have to. Just like that.

I'm listening to music right now! Usually I would just have something on TV as background noise so I wouldn't have to listen to my own thoughts. BUT, I am listening to music right now, omg I could cry. I know I sound like a crazy person BUT WHATEVER.

OK, so a ton of stuff has transpired since I last updated. I went to Watsonville and it was more fun than I thought it would be! We did everything I said we would and surprisingly, I wasn't tired by the trip at all! I mean, I wasn't refreshed cuz it felt like work but it wasn't bad. The cake was OK.

I moved to Aliso Viejo and I couldn't be happier! I love it here, uuggghhhh sooo much! I am so glad I left Garden Grove. I just hate everything about that place and anything OVER THERE. I am much happier down here where there's more people than traffic lights. This is a nice quiet city. I live with my sister, her BF and my nephew. I wasn't too sure about the arrangement but I guess it doesn't really matter since I'm hardly home anyways. I like spending more time with Andre, he sure is adorable! The only thing that bugs me is that Andre snores like an old man!

Jamella got me a belated bday present! It's an adorable little kitten that we named Artemis. She loves snuggling and sleeping and she is so freakin cute and perfect in every way! She gets along with Mallow and the dogs that live here. So great! I just wish kittens could stay little forever.

I am just finishing school for the semester. Slowly but surely going places... dunno where, but I'm going. Speaking of which, I got a promotion at work! I now make slightly more money (I think) and I get a sweet new title which means I do what I've always been doing, but now people will be like "HEY! You know how to do stuff right?" and I'm gonna be like, "YES" but secretly I'm gonna be like, "Uhhhh I dunno but lets give it a shot!" Which, lets be honest, is how everyone at the top thinks.

To wrap up this bit of randomness I would like to say that, for the first time in 2 years, I feel like I am becoming myself again. It feels nice.

Lonely Dick

The other day my nephew asked me if I had a boyfriend. I told him no. He said, "You will get one soon. And he will be handsome." I don't know why he told me that, but kids are kind of intuitive, so maybe he knew that I felt lonely.

It randomly popped into my head that I have been single for almost a year. Being single is great! You can do what you want, when you want, and no one is there to question you. But to me, that's the problem with being single. I guess the hardest part is not having someone to talk to about the boring things that happen every day. Yes, I have friends and co-workers I can talk to but, they are not someone who I can be intimate with intellectually. That's that saddest part.

As a kid, you have your family to talk to. Your siblings who will begrudgingly listen to all your boring school stories. You also have best friends you can tell everything to. But as adults, everyone is busy, and although friends listen, they are not there 24/7 because they have their own lives to live. Now I live alone, with Mallow, after living with someone for 5 years. When I come home I am greeted with snuggles and kitten kisses but humans crave other human interaction. Although I may or may not sometimes talk to Mallow, I do wish someone was here to talk to at the end of the day. That's the part I miss the most.

Next week I will be moving from Garden Grove to South OC. I do not like this city, and I do not like Orange County in general, but circumstances being what they are, I am forced to live here for at least another year. If I am going to be here still, then I am going to live where I was the happiest. I am moving to Aliso Viejo. Nestled between rolling green hills, people on bikes, and bleached-blonde OC moms, I will be.

I dunno what this summer or next year will bring, but I will keep my heart open and maybe my nephew's words will come true... for the record, he doesn't HAVE to be handsome. HEHEHE!!!

PS. I watched 3rd Rock from the Sun. You'd think that a show about aliens, one of which is Joseph Gordon-Levitt, would be awesome to ME of all people. But I was, sadly, quite disappointed with it. #whatdoiwatchnow ???

4 Seasons

For some reason, 4 Seasons of Loneliness popped into my head randomly tonight, so I HAD to listen to it, which brought me back to middle school HARDCORE. Boyz II Men were HAWT back then. Now I'm listening to Boyz II Men radio on Pandora which is filled with songs of love and loss, and also MIDDLE SCHOOL. Those were weird times, AMIRITE?

Any-who, THIS WEEKEND I have the pleasure of driving to Nor Cal with my mom, aunt, sister and Nephew probably. Depends on junk. According to my list of things to visit this year, I need to hit up San Jose to tour the Winchester Mansion! However, my trip schedule is hella (HAH) tight, so I don't know if I can squeeze it in, which makes me sad. BUT, do not fret my pretty, cuz the year is young and summer is just around the corner!

This here jar, this is an olive jar. This jar is quite big. When I fill this jar to the top, I am going to cash it in and use the funds to go on my dream vacation of driving all around California and the surrounding states. I haven't been on a road trip since I drove from Virginia to California back in the day... I dunno, 2006? Yeah, that seems right. The jar is about 1/3 full right now (if my math is correct). So I'm hoping that it will be filled by the end of the summer. You guys are more than welcome to add money to this jar! Help a brotha out!

And of course, keeping with the UP theme, I labeled the jar accordingly!

And furthermore, with the UP theme, when I first started this blog back in, what, 2010? Yeah that seems right, it was to chronicle my move from San Marcos to beautiful Orange County.

WELL, look at me now, MOM! I am moving again! Tomorrow I will know for sure where I am moving to, and once I know, I will be sure to continue chronicling my CRAAZY adult years. But enough about that for now. Back to the Nor Cal trip! Apparently a distant relative of mine is having a Quincianera so we are all driving to Watsonville. Never heard of it? That's OK! No one has. For reference, it's just 30 minutes South? North? I dunno, 30 minutes away from Santa Cruz. The itinerary goes as follow:

Friday

• Leave at 8am even though I wanted to leave Thursday night  
• Drive for 9 + hours up the 5
• Listen to mom and aunt gossip for the entire trip
• Get lost in the mountains for an hour
• Burgers
• Back track and get to Watsonville at approximately 9pm

Saturday

• Try to sleep in as my mom forces me to get up so we can go see relatives
• Say hi to relatives I have not seen in almost 10 years
• Awkward conversation about how I'm 30, single, and childless ensues
• Loudly proclaim that I love penis so they don't think I'm a lesbian
• Embarrass my mom and shame our family in the process
• Get ready for Quincianera
• Church
• Party
• Cake
• Get drunk on cake and alcohol
• Pass out

Sunday

• Wake up early to say bye to relatives
• Mom and aunts gossip 
• We leave too late, past 9am
• Hit traffic
• Drive to Palm Springs
• See brother for a few hours
• Drive back to OC
• Drop mom off at car
• Pass out

Although the idea of driving for so long without being able to listen to my heart wrenching late 90's R&B makes me more sad than when I cry silently listening to the music (gasp for air) I am excited to drive that long for the first time in YEARS! It will be good practice for when I go on my road trip! I guess I will need to come up with a cool play list that will last me at least 9 hours... 

I will, of course, take copious amounts of pictures and post them all over the internet, so follow me on Instagram, Twitter, and/or Snapchat if you're interested in what I'm up to! 

And I know you are. Don't lie.

Finally, happy belated birthday to my little angel, Mallow! He turned 1 last month and I forgot! I'm a bad cat mommy lolololol!

Time to Adventure!

This blog has not lived up to its name sake and I figured it was time to change that. Now that I have a neat car that wont break down, I am not afraid to drive! I figured I would spend the year exploring California and the surrounding states. I really want to see the Grand Canyon because I've never seen it and I think it would blow my mind! I also want to see Meteor Crater because SPACE! Since I live in a cool part of California already, I thought I would start locally by exploring LA and San Diego. As the year progresses I want to go up to Nor Cal and see all that cool stuff up there. In no particular order, here's the stuff I wanna see:

• Redwood trees cuz DAYUM DEY BIG (101)
• A legit surf town (Cruise down PCH)
• Santa Monica 
• Alcatraz (San Francisco)
• Get over my fear of open water (Travel to Alcatraz, also San Francisco)
• Santa Cruz cuz I left my name there on a DDR machine many years ago and I wanna see if it's still there
• Cows (middle of nowhere on the 5)
• LACMA
• The Getty
• Climb some mountains (all over California/Palm Springs)
• The Winchester house (HELLA HAUNTED - San Jose)
• Go on a hike (the desert, also all over California)
• See the Milky Way (Death Valley)
• That one castle 
• Museums in San Diego (Balboa Park)
• Dinosaurs
• The Grand Canyon/Meteor Crater
• Purple Mountains
• Yosemite

Those are the things that come to mind right now, there are LOTS of things to do in California! I think that eventually I want to travel to a different country, probably Italy! So many famous art pieces D: Well, my first day of adventuring started with Disneyland! 

I live about 10 minutes away from Disneyland and since I renewed my annual pass, I've been trying to go often so it doesn't feel like a waste of money. My usual round involves me walking around California Adventure and drawing at the Animation Academy. But yesterday I did things that I didn't normally do and it was pretty fun.

The day started late, because I got there at around 1pm. The park was pretty busy for a Thursday, and I later was told that the kids in Anaheim were still on vacation and that's why it was busier than usual for a Thursday. I got an app called Map My Walk and I used it during my trip!

The top part that looks like a hand sticking out from a lamp shade is Disneyland and the little squiggle at the bottom is DCA. I didn't do much there this time because I had to leave by 4:30. ANYWAYS, I walked around Disneyland looking for something to do that didn't involve me waiting in line for more than 30 minutes, so I stumbled across the Golden Horseshoe! It's an old timey saloon that serves a bunch of greasy food and you get to watch a show every hour or so. 

I used to love watching Bill Hill and the Hillbillies but their show has been cancelled for some time now... I think. Instead, you get to watch a skit that involved the audience and it's a hilariously good time!

While walking around Fantasy Land, I happened to come across a taping of Wheel of Fortune. It was cool! They sure are old now. The line for Dumbo was long so I didn't want to go on it and try to get on TV. Also, why does Dumbo look hella drunk on this ride?!

In Fantasy Land I went to see Mickey's Magic Map. I'd never seen this show. In fact, I hadn't been to that area since I watched the Snow White play waaaaay back in the day, so I was excited to see a show on that stage!

The show consists of Mickey trying to paint a map, except that a little black blob wont stand still so he can paint it. The map is hella magic so you go to different lands. This was my favorite part because POCAHONTAS! She sang that river bend song, then Mulan sang her song, and finally Rapunzel came on and sang her song. There was a lot of singing! The moral of the story: do not let anyone try to change who you are, because you are perfect. Thanks Mickey!

This is a fountain! It lights up super cool at night. Too bad it was daylight.

After the show I walked out of Disneyland and headed to DCA (Disney's California Adventure, for those of you not in the know) and I wanted to go to the Animation Academy to end the day with a super neat drawing. But on my way there, I saw some sings for Frozen Fun. At first I went UUUGGGHHH, when I entered the park, the place was bombarded with signage for Frozen Fun. There was a giant snowflake near Walt's statue! I didn't go into the Animation Academy, instead I took a left and went to what used to be the Mad Hatter's Tea Party, but is now Frozen Fun! (That exclamation mark is sarcastic)

This was the only part I liked. So I guess at night there's a Frozen dance party and there's an area where you can play in the snow? I didn't stay long enough to check that out, but I was intrigued by this:

 

They got rid of Muppet 3D and replaced it with Anna and Elsa's castle. The decor for the place was actually super cool because they had original art work all over the place as you were lead to the ball room aka the waiting area. 

 

The ball room was decorated just like Anna and Elsa's castle, that was super cool! This was the longest wait of the day at 30 minutes. When we were let into the theater, we were greeted by Arandelle's very own historian and we were told the story that everyone already knows. But the cool part was that as the story was being told, the audience got to sing a long to some of the songs. It was funny and hella awkward. We were all encouraged to sing. I didn't. But this little girl behind be was belting out Let it Go like she was a Grammy award winning singer and it was hilarious. 

Here we have the whole crew, including a very Asian Elsa which was funny to me. Also if you look closely, Elsa made it snow! The show offered some neat lighting effects which made it seem like Elsa had super cool powers. I guess that's neat, if  you're a little kid and all.

After the show I headed back to Downtown Disney. I never got a chance to draw anything but that's OK, I'll go back and do it next week! I watched Into the Woods at AMC and it was pretty good, for a musical. Also surprisingly funny. All in all, it was a good Thursday!

I hope I didn't catch the measles, though...

Future Virtuoso

Once upon a time, in a far away land called Valley Center, a little girl waited patiently for her parents to come home. As the light of day began to wane, a streak of blue metal came rushing down the dirt path towards the house. It slowed and came to a halt in front of the window, and out of this brand spanking new mini van came her parents. The little girl and her siblings ran outside to see this wonderful new thing. The mini van smelled like plastic and leather, the seats were soft and clean, and as the little girl sat in the back seat, she wished that one day, she would have a car of her own. 

Well little girl, your dream has finally come true! 

Last month I went down to the Honda dealership and I purchased my very first car! It's a used 2012 Honda Civic an it's BEAUTIFUL! My old car was old and constantly breaking down so I traded it in and never looked back! 

I always associated getting a new car with adulthood. "When I get a new car," my teenage self said, "it will finally mean I am an adult!" Well, I guess I have finally become that? UGGGHH. As my big birthday draws near, I feel like I am turning more and more into the adult I fought so hard to become. But I always tell myself that age is nothing but a number and age does not signify wisdom or maturity. Life's little adventures teach us valuable lessons, regardless of how old you are, and it's up to us to live the life we want, how we want, and not how society tells us to live it. DAMN THAT WAS A LOT OF COMMAS.

Well, new year, new resolution time I guess. I already made my resolution list and stuffed it away in my brain where no one will see what I will fail at this year, HAH! To be completely honest, a big chunk of 2014 sucked SUPER HARD and left a big gaping black hole in my heart, but also another big chunk of if was super freakin' amazing! I do not want to dwell on the bad, so I fill the void with LOTS OF THINGS, you know, to cover the sadness... D: but seriously, as a human bean, I am feeling a lot better. No more brain problems for me! MEDICINE WEEEE!

I feel like a leaf in the wind, twirling through the air, with no real purpose. Maybe soon I will find that purpose I so desperately need... or think I need. 

In the mean time, I'm going to enjoy my THINGS and take some road trips in my sweet new ride. 

Oh, one thing I want to do more of in 2014 is write, cuz writing is FUN! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Rules of Paradise: Summer Blog

I've been trying to type this out for a while now. My annual summer blawg post is something I like to do because I like looking back and remembering the good times I had. In general, my summer's are filled with work, work and more work. This summer was no exception. However, in between working full time and going to summer school, I felt like I did so many fun things! This just goes to show that no matter how busy you are, if you REALLY want to relax and have fun, you can!

It's already September, but it feels like January 1st was yesterday. Time does fly by when you have fun. For me, this year so far has literally been a roller coaster of emotions. I guess, in a morbid way, it made the year less boring. I learned a lot about myself and the people around me. But this post isn't about all that boring mumbo jumbo!

The summer started out with a lot of uncertainty. I took a week off of work and I spent my days at the beach, reading, cleaning and buying things off of Craigslist. I re-decorated my whole apartment, which was fun! I made it girly or as the internet calls it "shabby chic" which is totally my style.

Besides that, I did a LOT of stuff. I went to the beach a lot, watched movies, went to baseball games, went to Coronado for the first time, went to the Video Games Live concert, went to the Griffith Observatory, went on a lot of lunch/dinner dates, hit up Downtown Disney constantly, made a bunch of new friends, went to Medieval Times, went to Vegas, had a fun 4th BBQ, I got a new kitty, had house parties, works parties, and school parties, did I mention pizza parties? I eventually went INSIDE of Disneyland, and finally I moved to GG aka Garden Grove aka Ghetto Grove. I did a lot and it was great!

The best part of the summer was meeting a bunch of new people. My summer writing class was AWESOME! I got an A, duuhhhhh I is a guud writer.

I think that if I wasn't in such a good place mentally, this year would have been 1000 times worse. But, with my new outlook in life which may or may not be medically induced, I had an amazing summer. I hope the rest of the year is just as good if not better. I don't want to jinx it D:

I didn't really take too many pictures of what I did this summer because I wanted to experience it and not live it through pictures. It was great! Stay off your phones people, and experience the life that is happening right in front of you!

And on that note, I'd like to say that I did such a good job in school this summer, that I got myself a present. That present was a new laptop. I LOVE TECHNOLOGY #hypocrite

In conclusion, you create your own paradise. If you choose to make the best of a situation, I guarantee that everything will be alright. But if you focus on the negative, then your world will be ugly. Yeah, it's hard to be happy when things are going bad but, take it from me; I have had A LOT of lame and bad stuff happen to me this year but it's in the past, move on, life gets better if you make it so.

Create the rules to your own paradise.

Pizza for lyfe.

I Am Fat Princess

I came across this video today. Watch it before you read on. Before and After

My entire life I've been told I'm chubby or fat. My family members would lovingly call me "gordita" which means little fat girl in Spanish. I remember when I was in school we had to weigh ourselves for some stupid class project in the third grade. I obviously was the heaviest person in my class and up until that day, I didn't think or care about my weight. But after the teacher posted our weight next to our names, everyone would come up to me and ask, "You really weigh THAT much?" I remember that day very clearly because I asked myself, as a little third grader, "What's wrong with my weight?" and I thought there was something wrong with me.

I've always loved food and I've always been a good eater. I wasn't always "over weight" but I was a little chubbier than most kids. I've always been quiet and shy, so for most of my school life I had very few friends and I spent most of my time observing other kids. I always had very strong opinions of myself and I never thought myself as fat or overweight or morbidly obese. I just thought of myself as ME, as Maritza. The girl who loves drawing. The girl who loves watching shows about aliens and ghosts even though she gets scared. The girl who plays video games and spends her days reading fantasy novels about dragons. My weight didn't define me in my eyes. But it did defined me through other people's eyes.

To be honest, the only time I ever thought about my weight was when SOMEONE ELSE would bring it up. To be honest, I have always been perfectly content being ME. Yes, I am fat, but I am happy. And as it was illustrated in the video I linked above, you can lose all the weight and be physically "beautiful" according to others, but you can still be unhappy. I can remember pretty clearly all the times others have said that I need to lose weight or I am too fat. My mom took me to two different nutritionists and even signed me up for a trainer at the GYM so I could be thin and fit in I guess. On one of those trips the doctor weighed me and I was at 219lbs. I had actually recently lost some weight because I started playing DDR. I thought I looked pretty good! But the doctor said I needed to lose at least 60lbs. to be normal. I thought he was crazy because I felt perfectly normal.

This is DDR me!

High school is a rough time for lots of kids because everyone wants to be cool and fit it. I don't know what it was about me but fitting in was not even on my radar. I had my few friends and I was perfectly content. I randomly happened to lose weight in high school because I started working, so instead of spending my days sitting on a couch playing video games, I was walking around and inadvertently getting exercise. People noticed but did that make me more popular? No. Did boys start asking me out? No. Was I happier because I lost weight? No. This only cemented my belief that looks don't matter, what matters is who you are on the inside. I was 16.

As life went on I remained pretty much at the same weight. Although I was fat I still had friends. Although I was fat I still had awesome jobs. Although I was fat I still had super hot boyfriends. Being fat didn't stop me from living my life, because being fat didn't define who I was in my mind, but like always, it defined who I was for other people. My sister told me once that my mom was scared for me because I was getting so fat. I lost boyfriends because they thought I had gained too much weight. I was still the same person, just bigger, and that didn't fly with them.

I am stubborn. I will not do anything for other people if I don't want to. When people would say I had to lose weight I wouldn't listen to them because I was happy with myself. I have always been fat, I am used to my body. I didn't think there was anything wrong with me. I always saw it as THEY felt something was wrong with me. So, it wasn't until -I- realized I was too fat that I decided to change FOR MYSELF.

I think that when you do something for no one other then yourself, then you will be successful. I never thought "OMG I have to lose weight!" I always thought that I just needed to be healthier. This super hawt young bod can only take so much and it's getting old so It's time to cut back on the chips and soda! The funny thing is that even though I was losing weight for myself, I wasn't losing weight fast enough for some people. But what they didn't realize is that I was doing this for myself, not them. I wasn't trying to please them at all. I was doing it FOR ME. So although progress was slow, I was still super happy when I lost just one pound!

At my thinnest I weighed just under 200lbs. Circa 2007

You can be skinny and be ugly. You can be all muscles with 7% body fat and be ugly. You can be a celebrity and be ugly. You can be smart and be ugly.

Your beauty, as cliche as this is, comes from within. You can lose weight, build muscle, get plastic surgery and be physically beautiful but that won't change WHO YOU ARE or how you feel about yourself. Don't let other people define who you are.

I have lost weight and I am happy, I was happy when I was 40lbs heavier. My weight doesn't define who I am, even when I am within "normal" weight, I will still be the same person. I will still draw, play video games, read, and watch scary alien shows on TV. I will still feel sad when I see old people on the street and I will smile when I see little kids cry (lolol). My weight doesn't define who I am because no matter what the scale says, I know I'm still super awesome!


The moral of the story is: BE HAPPY with who you are. Be happy with yourself. Because if you are not happy with who you are, how can you make others happy? You are allowed to be selfish. You are allowed to love yourself first before you can even start to love others. Lose weight because you WANT to. Wear make-up because YOU want to. Be smart, go to school, bake a cake! Do these things because YOU WANT TO. And even though you may stumble and fall, do not give up on yourself. You are worth it! Get up, dust yourself off, whistle a little tune and keep going. 

Time to have pizza for breakfast! BECAUSE I WANT TO! Because I can!

Love & Loss & Love & loss: The Saga Continues

This is my journey of love (of food) and loss (of weight). It's a tale of struggle, triumph, struggle and getting used to change. So it was...

A million years ago, it seems, I was in the bathroom when I decided to weight myself, ya know, for the fun of it. I stepped on the scale and saw the number. It was the heaviest I had ever been. I wasn't necessarily shocked but it did give me pause. After weighing myself I looked in the mirror. I looked at my body from every angle. I weighed myself again. I cocked my head to one side and wondered, "I should probably try to lose some weight."

At the time I still hadn't had my back surgery so my flexibility was non existent and exercise was out of the question, so I started small. I stopped drinking soda and juices. Eventually Vince got in on the action and started his weight loss journey as well. Thanks to him I learned a lot about cutting back on cheeses, sauces and all those little extra calories that you don't need. I was able to basically keep eating a lot of the same stuff, just modified versions and smaller portion sizes.

After my surgery I started exercising. I absolutely hate traditional exercise like A LOT. So I tried to do non traditional exercises like Just Dance and playing DDR. Eventually Vince and I started playing a lot of basketball which is my most FAVORITE sport EVER. For a while basketball and the elliptical were my only forms of exercise. Vince was completely devoted to his weight loss and life style change so he lost more than 50 lbs while I lagged behind at 30-ish lbs. I was a lot less dedicated than he was.

I kind of gave up on the whole weight loss thing for about a year. I didn't gain the weight back which was good, but I didn't really try to lose anything either. I still didn't really drink any sugary drinks besides soy milk, water, unsweetened iced tea and diet coke. Whenever I went out to eat I would modify my food slightly to reduce my caloric intake i.e. no sauces or cheese.

When I finally decided to get back into it, I got into it HARD. I went to a trainer and she showed me how to tone my body and strengthen my back. I exercise every day. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And this time around, I am not really all about losing weight although I am still trying to do that, but my main focus is toning and strengthening my body. Here's my exercise regimen in no particular order.

Just Dance 30-60 minutes
Strength training 60 min
Yoga 30 min
Intense strength/cardio 30 min

Basically I alternate between cardio and strength. So, for example, if I play Just Dance today for 60 min I wont do strength and vice versa. I do, however, do the intense cardio/strength every day. Yoga is random depending on my mood but it helps me stretch which feels super good.

So, the other day I went to Boomers and played DDR for an hour. I felt SO strong and light. I was sweating up a storm but I was not winded like I used to be. My legs felt powerful and it felt good to move so fast! Although I am constantly sore I feel really, really good! My body hasn't changed dramatically since starting this new strength training stuff, BUT, I know that I am losing inches because although the scale stays pretty much the same, all my clothes fit SO MUCH BETTER!

The best day of my life was when I went to the store to get clothes and for the first time in a long time I didn't have to shop in the plus size section. I actually like buying clothes now. I went from an XXXL to just an XL/L. So close to medium LOLOLOL

Since the beginning of this weight loss journey I've dropped two (almost 3) dress sizes! I've lost a total of 41 lbs and I am not even half way to my goal, or to what is considered healthy for my height. But I know I'll get there it will just take time and will power! I think the hardest part for me is that I do not mind indulging. Like, I know I shouldn't have cookies but I do anyway. That's one of the things I have to work on. One once in a while is ok... right? :D

In addition to exercise I also use My Fitness Pal to monitor my caloric intake. Right now it's set at 1250 a day, which is really not that much. Some people actually eat 1200 calories IN ONE MEAL but if you exercise you have to eat a little more which is awesome! Here's a sample of my foods from a couple of days ago:

Breakfast

• A cup of light soy milk
• 1.5 cups of cinnamon toast crunch (this is actually a lot of cereal lololol)

Lunch

• Cliff bar
• cup of Light soy milk
• Protein powder (for after exercising lololol)

Dinner

• Chicken breast
• Bell peppers, onions
• French roll 

Snack

• 1 chocolate chip cookie

 
For the entire day I had 1210 calories. I also eat a lot of bananas and apples so if it's between lunch/dinner and I'm hungry, I will eat fruit. It barely helps with the hunger to be honest but you must suffer for beauty D: The hunger pains have gotten a lot better because the less you eat, the more weight you lose, the less your body needs to fuel itself and your stomach shrinks. So if you're used to eating 5 slices of pizza eventually you can survive on just 2. OMG who am I kidding who can only eat 2 slices of PIZZA?!?!?! Lololol

I am losing weight and making my body strong because I want to be happy with myself and be able to wear cute dresses every day! I actually like the way I look now, which I didn't before. I was sort of naive. I would avoid mirrors because I didn't like the way I looked but I was too lazy to do anything about it. No one is going to change you if you don't want to change. And if you do want to change, do it for yourself, not for anyone else. Now I don't mind mirrors THAT much.

Before (December 2011)

 After (May 2014)

That's me wearing the same jacket! You can't really tell I guess but it's a lot bigger on me now... or I'm a lot smaller in it HA HA HA

We so cool in this Cali heat

Good luck on anyone out there who is also starting or is still continuing their weight loss journey :)

Chapter One

Happy Mother's Day!

Today while getting ready for work I realized two things: 1) I decided to wear the exact same shirt I wore a year ago and 2) It has been a year to the day since my life changed.

Your first thought might have been, "Wait, you remember what you wore a year ago?" I would slowly look up at you, a shadow cast over my eyes and as I whispered, "How could I forget?" (I'm listening to Beethoven and I'm feeling AWESOME lolol)

I don't want to go into the long boring details, so here are some links for your pleasure or if you are bored. Be warned: These are long.

Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five

"The day my life changed" is such a dramatic statement, but it is very true for me. How do I feel a year later? I feel absolutely amazing! It's been one hell of a ride but I think I am better for it and in some weird way I am glad that I experienced what I did but I would NEVER wish it on my worst enemy.

To be even more dramatic, it feels like I have finally broken through the surface of the deepest ocean. At first being on the other side might seem scary because you are in the middle of the ocean all alone, but then you realize that you aren't alone, there are tons of people waiting for you at the shore line, you just have to make your way back to them.

I am not ashamed to share this story with you, my beautiful reader, because I want anyone out there who is suffering the way I was to know that there is help and you WILL get better as long as you don't give up on yourself. As my mom would say, "Who will love you more than you can love yourself?" The answer is NO ONE. Always love, protect and take care of yourself first.

It's strange to think about all that has happened in a year, but as I sit here and read these old blog posts and think about what has transpired, instead of feeling sad I feel so much relief. I am glad that part of my life is over and now a brand new chapter is starting! It will not be Chapter Six though, but Chapter One in my new Book of Adventures :)

In other news, I got a new kitten! His name is Mallow in honor of Nimbus. Nimbus was named after Nimbusland in Super Mario RPG. Mallow, a fluffy cloud person, is the prince of Nimbusland except he doesn't know it yet. He actually thinks he's a tadpole lol. Mallow is a white and grey kitten that I rescued from the ghetto. He is so gentle and cuddly. He is my little buddy! He sleeps when I sleep and jumps around dangerously close to my feet while I play Just Dance. He's only two months old OMG he is so cuuuute!



Summer is coming and with that comes the disgustingly hot winds of change. No matter what, I will face all new changes with a smile because life is short, no need to spend your time cranky.

There's no point in dwelling in a dark past when the future is so much brighter.

For a Thousand More

It's been 4 years since I moved to Orange County and since I started this blog chronicling my adventures up here. Looking through the archives bring back a mix of emotions. The good, the bad and the amazing.

It feels like I shattered into a thousand pieces, and everyone is trying to piece me back together but they don't really know where to put what. Meanwhile the most important piece is missing anyway so it wont even matter in the end.

Everyone says time heals all wounds and I know this to be true. But I wish time would move faster. And I wish I would stop waking up at 5am expecting the impossible because in the wake of that split second of hope, comes a wave of loneliness and sadness.

I'll love you for a thousand more.

Light as a Feather

My last post talked about my anxiety and how I was dealing with it back in September of 2013. Here is what happened in the last few months of 2013 through the present.

All was going well back in early September. I was able to go to Disneyland that day and have a great time. I was doing well in school and work was work. But towards the end of the year, out of no where, I got really sick. I don't know if I was REALLY sick but I felt so out of it. I felt fuzzy and weird and I was sick to my stomach. At one point I got dat crazy mud butt so I stopped eating and I only drank water. You see, the reason I have anxiety is because I have a phobia of throwing up. So when I started having stomach pain I started to freak out because every time I have any sort of stomach discomfort I think "This is it! I'm going to throw up!" It got to the point that I was so tired of feeling sick that I just stood in front of the toilet just waiting for it to happen. But nothing would come up.

After finally thinking that I felt better, I went back to my routine. But I started having severe panic attacks at work. This was around December of 2013. I could not go to work, I would panic while I was in class. I couldn't even attend my classes anymore so I missed my finals and failed which added to my anxiety and dread. I finally decided that enough was enough. I had worked through my anxiety on my own so far becuase I thought I was strong enough but I was not. So I made the decision one day to call a psychologist. I didn't want to go to a psychiatrist because they only want to shove drugs down your throat. I finally made the appointment and went to see the doctor. The day I went I felt really gross and weird, out of it as usual and I didn't want to be there but I forced myself to go.

My doctor looked like Sugourney Weaver. She had that mean look but the kind and helpful manner about her, ya know? Very Sugorney. I told her about my problems and we talked about it and I told her that I didn't want to be on medication but she said that I probably needed to be on antidepressants. That was the first time through all of this that I thought about depression. How could I be depressed? I didn't feel sad or anything I just felt anxious and scared. I was a little put off by that but I decided I would look into it. That evening I had to go to work. While at work I had a panic attack and I had to go home. It was that same day that I called my doctor and made an appointment to be on antidepressants.

I got the medication towards the end of December but I did not start taking them until after Vince's birthday. I didn't want the medicine to make me feel sick and ruin his b-day but that didn't matter because I ruined it anyway with my anxiety and fear and now sadness. I was also afraid to take the medicine because I was afraid it would make me sick. I was also afraid that when I started taking them, it would officially make me one of those sad looking people in those antidepressant commercials. I would officially be known as that depressed girl.

At around the same time I joined an on-line chat room/forum called Anxiety Zone. I talked to a lot of people who felt the same was I did and who understood what I was going through. There were people there who suffered from all sorts of mental and physical health issues. There was one girl who would spend most of her day in the bathroom because she associated it with cleanliness and she was a germaphobe. She would also shower like 20 times a day so she could remain clean. When I talked to people like that I felt fortunate that I did not have THAT problem. But still, I felt bad for everyone there because I knew what they were going through and it was not a good feeling.

I read up on my medication and learned about it's side affects and what not which made me not want to take it, but with the help of Vince and the people on the forums I managed to take the pills every day. I took them at night before bed so if I DID have side affects it would happen while I was at home. The only side affects I had were headaches and sleepiness, which was good since I was taking them at night. According to the literature provided with the medication, and this is common with all antidepressants, it's full affects can be felt between 2 weeks to two months after you begin taking it. That's also a problem for most people who suffer from depression because they are in such a dark place and all they want is immediate help that when they don't get it, they feel hopeless.

I felt hopeless at the time. I felt like I would never feel normal. I felt like a zombie. And the worst part about it is that I couldn't take time away from work or school to feel better, I just had to put on my happy face and go about my business pretending that I was happy and OK when in reality I was dying inside. It sounds dramatic but depression is an awful thing. This really helps explain how depression feels. A lot of people don't get help because there is a stigma with being depressed and taking medication for it. People who have never been depressed do not know how horrible it feels. Being depressed isn't being sad and crying all the time. Being genuinely depressed makes you want to die. My depression stemmed from my phobia which turned into my anxiety which then turned into depression because I was always afraid.

I was one of the lucky ones. The medication started taking affect on my poor dark brain within 5 days. As the weeks progressed I started to see the light of day with excitement instead of cowering in a dark corner. How do I describe MY anxiety filled brain? Imagine thinking about the things that scares you the most 24/7 and having it consume your every brain cell. I CONSTANTLY thought about the time I threw up as a kid and how scared I was. Although throwing up scares the CRAP out of me (literally back when I the mad food poisoning that destroyed my psyche) it was ALL I could think about. ALL THE FREAKING TIME. From waking up to falling asleep. All I thought about was puking.

It went something like this: "I wonder if eating this sand which will make me throw up? Is the bread moldy? I hope the meat is fresh. I better check the expiration date on all this food just to make sure it's not rotten. Ugh I better wash my hands that door knob was filthy. What if the germs get from my hands to my food and then make me sick? OMG is that person throwing up? I hope they're not gonna throw up. Oh lordy. What did I eat that day I got sick 16 years ago? I had an egg sand which, some cereal. I wonder what part of it made me sick. It was probably the eggs. Let me just go ahead and re-live the entire event JUST to make sure I didn't forget something." So on and so forth. 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

About a month or so into the medication I was at work walking around pretending to be busy when the strangest thing happened. It was so off putting that I actually had to sit down and think abut it. As I was walking to the office at work I had this thought. I forget exactly WHAT I was thinking but I know I was thinking about Vince and the thought made me smile. And most importantly of all, it made me HAPPY. It had been SO long since I had smiled because of something I was thinking. It was a real, true smile, not my usual forced smiles. That was the turning point I think. Mentally, it got better and better. I rarely had panic attacks any more and I started thinking about other things besides throwing up.

I have been on the medication now for 4 months which doesn't seem like a long time but to me, it feels like an eternity since I was at my lowest point. Now that I am outside looking in, so to speak, I realize just how low I actually was. I was so miserable. One time suicide came up in conversation and someone said they couldn't understand how people could kill themselves. I said that, although I wouldn't do it, I do understand why people would do it. When you feel the way that I felt, and if those people felt that way too, then that's a scary thing. It's like being in a pit of despair. There was a point back then when I wished I was dead. Not gonna lie. That's a scary thing. I wished that a car would hit me or something happened where I could just stop suffering. That's such a sad thought to have.

Now I feel SO MUCH BETTER! I think that the medication has taken full affect on my brain. It's like all my brain cells are having a party and none of them are throwing up! I have three more months of the medication left. I will then go talk to my psychologist again and see if I can be weaned off of it. It's a scary thought to have to stop taking this miracle drug that has made me feel normal again. But I know now that if things start to get bad again, and hopefully they don't, I can always seek medical help. It sucks that I have to take pills but sometimes the chemistry in our body is out of whack and the medicine helps make you feel better.

Someone on the anxiety zone forums once posted that their antidepressant saved their life. At the time I thought that was stupid of them to say. But I now 100% agree with that statement. If I had not gone on medication, I don't know what would have happened to me. I am so thankful for the people in my life who helped me through this, mainly Vince, my mom and my sister.

During my most depressed times I pushed a lot of people away, especially my friends. I avoided all social outings as much as possible and I caged myself behind my irrational fear of the world. Although I am better now, I have to still escape this social prison. The door is open I just have to take the first step through the thresh hold.

Now I know that my smiles are true. Now I know that my happiness is real. I am no longer faking. I am no longer afraid.

And with that, I leave you with this poem.

Every day at 11:11 I wished that you would love me
Every day before bed I tell you I love you in my head
Maybe one day you will
Maybe one day I will be brave
It's so lovely when dreams come true

2013 Recap

2013 got bad real fast. I was thinking about this end of year blog today and I couldn't really think of anything that stood out for me that was good. I did a lot of things, I went to a lot of places. But the only thing I could think about was how miserable I've been these past several months. But through the fog of pain and misery (dramatic much?) there was one thing that was a constant and was always a beacon in the darkness of my soul (uugghh lolol) and that was Vince.

WARNING: The following paragraph(s) are going to be sappy. Read at your own risk. Barf buckets will not be provided.

I am suddenly hungry.

This is going to sound like an exaggeration but the best thing to happen to me in my whole entire life, besides this sweet computer that I am currently computing on, is to have Vince as a friend. My life was a blur of laziness and endless days of not bathing due to gaming so hard before I met him. But then Vince came along and he made me think of  things I had never thought about before, expanding my mind to the wonders of this world. In other words, he helped me become an adult... and I use that term loosely. I took a leap of faith by moving up here to Orange County with him but I knew that wherever I went, it would be better than the situation I was in before I moved. I was scared, I was lonely at first, and I was a little lost, but then everything came together and it all made sense.

Now, 4 years later, I am somewhere I never thought I would be. I have a job that pays me well, I am going to school (the progress is slow on that front) and I now have goals and aspirations. The best thing about Vince is that he pushes me to be a better person, not for him or anyone else, but for myself. When I think back at 2013, the only good part about it is him. He has stuck by me through thick and thin and sometimes I am amazed by how awesome he is and how lucky I am to have him as my best friend and boyfriend :3 I am also surprised he hasn't ripped all his hair out due to frustration because I can be very hard to motivate.

I wish there was a way for me to bottle all the nice things I feel for him and how grateful I am for having him in my life. I would give him the bottle (mason jar cuz I'm fancy) and he could put it on a bookshelf. He would use it to light up the room because the intensity of my feelings for him will burn brighter and hotter than the nanosecond a dying star becomes a supernova. Stephen Hawking would get a raging brain boner at the sight of the mason jar and he would write a book about it and it would read, "Never in my many years of studying astrophysics have I encountered anything more beautiful that that of this mason jar filled with all the love in the world. There is nothing more mysterious and pure as this." and it would sell millions of copies.

Here's to an amazingly epic 2014, where my spirit of adventure will soar and Vince will be my Carl Fredrickson... I guess I will be Ellie, but, ya know... less old and dead D: LOLOL

The End

My Vegan Life

A couple of weeks ago Vince decided that we should go vegetarian. He said it was for health reasons and also for the poor animals. I agreed to go a long with it because I had nothing better to do. I agree with the health reasons of the decision because it does force us to think about our meals more. It also forces us to find alternatives for everything and taco/burger runs in the middle of the night are no longer possible. It was my horrible misfortune that about 3 days into this new lifestyle I was told by my doctor that I had to cut dairy completely out of my diet, thus rendering me a reluctant vegan.

I am more sad that I can't hair dairy than meat because in the back of my mind I KNOW that if I really wanted to, I COULD eat meat whenever I wanted. But dairy, I can pretty much never touch again in my life. I LOVE milk and cheese and yogurt and everything good to eat on this planet that contains milk. Like cake. And cupcakes and brownies and soups. As a kid, I could down two tall glasses of milk and half a package of cookies in one sitting. And as my mom always said, "That's why you are the way you are!" in regards to my pudgy self. It was a well known fact that I loved milk to the point where when I DIDN'T enjoy two or more glasses of milk something must be wrong with me.

Anywho, when I was in middle school my mom took my sister and I to the doctor's office for, what I remember, no apparent reason. She did this a lot. He asked us if there was anything that was bothering us and I told him about my bum knee and he said I would "grow out of it" which I never did and it still hurts. The second thing was that I always had stomach aches. He asked me if I had a lot of milk and cheese and I told him HELL YEAH! He said that I could be lactose intolerant and to lay off the dairy for a while. Then after a few days to have some and see what happened. I smiled sweetly and said ok but in my mind I knew he was a crazy and I only kind of tried his experiment. I didn't even have to try very hard though because I knew it was the milk that upset my stomach and caused me stomach aches. I remember having ice cream one day. The spoon has barely touched my mouth and I immediately had gas LOLOL. But I didn't care, I loved milk way too much!!!

Fast forward to the present and the stomach pains were feeding my paranoia so I had to quit milk completely. Combined with the no meat lifestyle of a vegetarian I had unwillingly become the one thing I despise most in the world (sorry guys): a vegan. It's easy to be vegetarian, but another thing completely to be that AND not have dairy. I can't have certain soups, sandwiches or smoothies. I can only eat one thing from any restaurant. And I'll be damned if I ever eat a salad! The only thing I can have that I enjoy is eggs. And GODDAMN do I devour those eggs like there's no tomorrow! Or like they're made of the freshest milk on the planet.

Anyway, someone at work told me about vegan cheese and I am trying that out. It sucks that I can't have dairy but there are a lot of foods out there, like vegan cheese, made for poor souls like me whose stomachs don't work right. Being vegetarian definitely limits the foods you can eat, but in the long run what you do eat is a lot healthier. Unless it's fries... guess I should cut back on the fries.

THE END

Christmas Time!

This year's Christmas was fun. It's fun every year because I get to spend it with Vince and his family. This year, I opened at work on Christmas Eve and then drove over to Anaheim for Christmas dinner. The food was delicious!!! Especially the green beans! After dinner we opened presents and I got a bunch of cool stuff. I used to not care about getting presents but in recent years I've learned to become selfish and I love getting presents! D: does that make me a bad person? I dunno. Vince got me the super awesome monitor I wanted for my brand new computer I bought for myself!!! It's sooo beautiful. The whole computer is beautiful and now I can play all the games I want! It's the most expensive gift I've ever gotten for myself and I am quite pleased... with myself. As I type this I am in the process of downloading Skyrim. I should never have opened steam. I CAN'T STOP  MYSELF!!

Anyway.. where was I? Uhhh oh yes, so Christmas eve was quiet. We played games and watched A Christmas Story which always makes me kind of sad. We went to sleep at the usual time and woke up the next day to make breakfast! It's tradition for Vince to make Christmas breakfast and this year I helped! We made the usual: french toast with scrambled eggs and sweet potato hash browns. It was delicious! After breakfast, which was served at 11:30am, we promptly went back to bed for a post breakfast nappy nap. At 2:30 my alarm went off so I left and came home to get ready for work. Work was dull and not super crazy like I thought it was going to be. We were overstaffed which was awesome and we only had one minor hiccup the whole night! Woooo

Alice went to visit her family and got back super late this morning so we didn't open her presents until she got off work. She was very excited to get her books and video game and Frozen soundtrack. Overall, this Christmas was pretty good.

On a personal level, I am happy that I am feeling better mentally. I've been having a really horrible time with my health and it was making me break down like crazy hard. I had to skip work twice and I knew that once it started affecting my work, school and personal life it was time to pause and work out this problem. As of a few days ago, I have been feeling a little better each day. I am not at my normal levels of happy-go-lucky, but over time I know that I will feel better. I am eager to start this new year because I am hopeful that it can only get better. I just have to remember to stay positive no matter what, and that I am in control of my future. I also have to remember that no matter what, I am not alone.

On a final note, I would like to say that I HAVE THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER!!!

Somewhere Only We Go: Part 1

I know I sound like a broken record and I keep talking about my anxiety, but as I read an article about stress I realized that blogging is something that helps me de-stress and assess my feelings and junk. I've been keeping a journal/blogging since I was 13! I always feel lighter after I post my thoughts, even if they aren't necessarily "deep" or meaningful. So, here is my final (maybe) post on my anxiety and how I am feeling overall!

My "first" panic attack was this summer, at a dodgers game, with literally thousands of people around me. Through these past months I have thought about it and the more I thought about it the more I realized that, for some weird reason, whenever I go out to places with large numbers of people I tend to freak out. This wasn't always the case, it just happened recently and I don't know why. That explains why I felt "sick" when I went to Knotts Scary farm last Halloween, or when I felt sick the last time I went to Disneyland with my friends and they thought that I had a severe case of the mud butt from that cheesy omelette but in reality, I was freaking out! This is obviously before I knew I had anxiety and the entire time I was having a mini panic attacks. I usually avoid going to events that involve me being far away from home or being with a large group of people.

After being diagnosed with mild anxiety, it was hard for me to watch movies because I would start to panic in the movie theater. ME, a movie theater employee, couldn't watch movies because I was afraid. That's part of the reason why I didn't see very many movies this summer. I remember wanting to see Iron Man 3 since I like that RDJ. So, on my day off I went to the local cinema and purchased a ticket. I was there by myself because I wasn't sure how I would react. I got in the theater and things were going good until the part where Iron Man has a panic attack, which reminded me of my panic attack. Suddenly my throat dried up, I couldn't feel my right arm and my heart started beating super fast so I left the movie. I couldn't even sit through a 2 hour movie without freaking out!

At some point during the summer my sister came to visit and she told me about how she used to fear large bodies of water. She got over it by consistent exposure to the ocean, she also told me to drink tea and relax. So, I did as she said and decided that the only way to overcome my fears was to face them. I forced myself to watch more movies. At first it wasn't so good but slowly it got better, so now I can go to a movie and not even freak out about it. In the back of my mind some irrational fear is still there but I'm so absorbed by the horribleness of movies now-a-days that I don't even think about it.

My second fear to conquer was the fear of being away from home. For a while I couldn't even think about going anywhere besides school and work. I barely liked leaving my house to get food. Shortly after my diagnosis Vince took me to Downtown Disney. Barely 10 minutes into the car ride I felt my mouth dry up and my palms get sweaty. At this point, I was listening to meditation CD's and learning new ways to deal with anxiety, so I tried doing that on the way to Earl of Sandwich. By the time I got out of the car, I was shaking head to toe. My heart was pounding and I felt like I was going to collapse. It was such a horrible feeling! We got to Earl and ordered food and I ate it and the crazy thing is that...nothing happened. Vince asked me if I wanted to walk around, which I absolutely didn't, but I said yes so we walked around. On my way back to the car I was more calm, I wasn't shaking any more and the drive back wasn't as bad.

I did little things like this to get over my anxiety. Recently, I drove from OC to SD and I only panicked once through the whole trip, and that was only driving to the location. I also drove back from SD and I didn't panic once! This past weekend Alice and I went to San Marcos to visit family and it wasn't until we were half way home that I realized that I didn't think about my anxiety or freak out about anything! I even managed to watch a movie, go bowling and go to a chuck-e-cheese birthday party without freaking out, while I was super sick with a cold! To normal people (I'll call them normies) these things are no big deal, but to me it is a big freakin deal! It's the first time in months that I've felt like a normie.

A fictional character on TV said once that after they did something horrible, it took them a year to recover. This stuck with me because I thought about how I am only NOW starting to feel normal when I haven't felt well since the summer. The thing that people don't understand is that anxiety doesn't show up out of nowhere, it's years and years of thinking a certain way that causes people to freak out. So how do you expect it to go away quickly if at all? I feel like I have made TONS of progress with feeling better, but I do not feel 100%. Things still scare me and sometimes trigger panic in my brain! I can't make anxiety go away but I am learning to think about it differently. I'm learning to de-stress (or trying to anyway) and that a lot of what I feel isn't real in the sense that I am in no real danger, the danger lies in my head and if I don't think about it and bring it to the surface, it wont bother me any more.

Today is a big day for me. Today I am going to Disneyland for the first time in almost a year. There will be thousands of people, there will be rides that will make me scared, there will be delicious foods that I will eat and I am going to conquer all of it! I am wearing my new Disney shirt to school today to remind me that new beginnings happen every day. The way we chose to live our lives ultimately falls upon US, not the situations we perceive to be stuck in. Live every day to the fullest and don't be afraid to eat dairy because if might give you explosive diarrhea - there are pills for that.