I feel Weird

It's hard to differentiate between sadness and depression when these feelings were normal for so long. Back in the day, I would feel blue and it was just another day for me. I didn't know that I wasn't supposed to feel that way, or that it wasn't normal to feel like that all the time. Now that I am two years into recovering my emotions, it's easy to tell the difference between genuine sadness and a case of the Monday's, because there isn't a little grey cloud hovering over my head 24/7.

I fell asleep early tonight because I had an early day, then I played basketball, and I was doing homework when I just dozed off. I woke up a couple hours later and I just felt sad. And I knew it was sadness, and not just me thinking I was sad, if that makes sense. Today I was about to cry over the stupidest thing and I thought to myself, "Really? WTF are you gonna cry about that for?" It's been kind of an emotional week. I don't really have anyone to turn to when I'm sad anymore, so I just kind of cry it out and try to go on with my day and I know that this feeling will pass, and it's normal to be sad sometimes, and I don't dwell on it.

One thing I learned from my whole mental situation is that I coped with things in the wrong way. Instead of addressing my emotions, I would bottle them up and just wait for them to be buried so far down, they didn't bother me anymore. But the problems never went away, they festered down there in the pit of my soul, and the next time they flared up, it was twice as bad as the first time. And it would continue like that until I finally broke.

I used to listen to a mindfulness CD in my car to help with my driving anxiety. There were 6 tracks and each one was meant to help you cope with emotions and different types of anxiety. I probably shouldn't have listened to it in the car, but it was the only way I could drive myself to work! Anyway, one of the tracks talks about a stressful day, like maybe something bad happened at work or you remember something bad that happened and you feel a panic attack coming on. Instead of trying to forget about the problems, the CD tells you to look the problem head on. To NOT hide the fear or anxiety, but to know that it IS there and you have to deal with it. That anxiety, fear, sadness, are all natural emotions and it's OK to have them. The CD, along with it's accompanying work book, really helped me get down to the root cause of my problem and figure out that I was coping with my issues in the completely wrong way.

Anyway, lately I have been feeling down in the dumps for a couple of reasons. The main issue is that I gained a bunch of weight and I feel ashamed of myself. Maybe ashamed is the wrong word, I just feel gross and ugly. I let all that hard work go to waste just because I was too lazy to go outside for a walk. I also feel tired all the time. And you KNOW that I get SO MAD when I get woken up from my sleep. LIKE SO MAD. I have bee sharing a room with my nephew because he loves to spend time with me, but he has no regard for people sleeping and does whatever the heck he wants and all hours of day or night. On top of that, my body has been acting weird... maybe it's that I'm getting used to all this weight gain but I feel swollen and bruised and stuff hurts all the time, like my feet. Also, I feel overwhelmed with all the school work I have, only because my time management has been straight shit these past couple of weeks.

The good thing is that I know how to deal with all these issues, and I will deal with them individually instead of letting it all get so crazy that I just shut down. So, today I went to play basketball and I made sure I didn't over eat. I started on my homework so I won't fall behind (even though I fell asleep half way through) and I will make sure my nephew understands that I work late and he shouldn't be rude and wake me up! I know that losing weight will take time, and I just need to keep up with my studies and all will be fine. Finally, I am sad because this one guy who used to be my best friend but then dumped me twice is leaving for 4 years and I feel weird about it and I know I shouldn't because he's a jerk. But I can't help but miss him.