HEY! I'm still here! My last update was over a year ago. Dang, there have been some changes FO REAL. I've been wanting to update this for a while because writing is so cathartic. Welp, let's start at the beginning...
Last summer I visited Florida for the first time ever with Tim. We visited Jennifer for 5 days and they were awesome! My first experience with the Floridian humidity was disgust, because I hate being hot. I described going outside as a hot hug from Satan. Those 5 days were awesome though! We went to Universal Studios and to Coco beach! It was a lot of fun. During that time, Jennifer kept asking me to move to Florida so I could work with her. I was like EHH, maybe?
Well, almost a year later I took her up on her offer and transferred to FLORIDA! I was offered a new position in corporate, so I took it and made the move! I packed everything I could in my car, I put the rest of the junk in storage, then I threw Mallow in the car and drove to Florida. It was a fun cross country trip! Mallow was a wonderful companion. I went through the middle of the country, so I got to see a bunch of states I hadn't seen before. I think my favorite by far was Arkansas. I know, weird right? I dunno, I just thought it was the most beautiful.
So, what made me move to Florida? Honestly, it was just boredom with my current life. I was living in my favorite city EVER, but I wanted a change. Also, I was still recovering from breaking up with my long term bf, although at that time, it had already been over a year, but still, leaving someone you spent the majority of your 20's with kind of leaves an impact in your life. Any-who, I thought that if I went somewhere knew, that it could be a fresh start for me! And I guess it was... sort of. More on that later!
So I've been in Florida now for 6 months. I live in the wonderful city of Fort Pierce. I know you THINK you've never heard of it, but you have. Remember those shootings in the Orlando night club earlier this year? The dude lived here. Just 2 or 3 streets from where I live. FP is conveniently located half way between Orlando and Miami, which is the range of theaters I have to visit on a weekly basis. So it made sense to live here, also it's cheap. But I guess it's cheap cuz it's ghetto!
Work is chill. I get to travel to all the different locations, so although the work is the same every week, at least the scenery changes often. I also live on my own for the first time in my life, which is amazing! That's why Florida is great; it's cheap to live here!
SO, I've learned a lot about myself while I was over here. WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG AND BORING. Basically, people think I'm this super outgoing person who isn't scared of people or conversation or whatever, but that's not the case at all. I like to think that I am outgoing and whatever, but honestly, I'm a homebody. I LOVE being at home and cooking, watching scary movies and taking naps. The problem is, I start to feel guilty for liking those things, so I try to go out and do stuff. But it's not fun if it's forced, right?
The whole dating thing really bothers me too. If I fall in love, I want it to be natural, like, I meet the future love of my life at the store or at the local arcade or at Disneyworld and then it just happens and it's magical. BUT, dating now is like OH HEY THIS DUDES FACE IS OK, let me send him a message and lets see if it works! I tried it. I hated it. I always felt like more was expected from me in a way. And also, I'm super friendly and I think I scared a lot of dudes off haha. OH WELL. It took me a long time to even TRY to date, cuz as a recent study shows, when you're in a committed relationship, other dudes are less attractive, so it took me a long time to even feel something when I looked at a guy. Mostly I felt hunger cuz I made them buy me dinner.
In other news, I decided last year to start weening myself off of my antidepressants. It was a slow process and it took several months. I asked my doctor to decrease my dosage and she said no, cuz some people need to be on medicine all the time, like diabetics. I was like, UHH WHAT? I understand what she meant, but I didn't want to rely on medication to make me feel 'normal' so I was like, SCREW DAT NOIZE and I decided to reduce the medication on my own. Obviously, according to the internet and doctors and junk, this is super dangerous cuz of the side effects and maybe you THINK you're better but you're actually not and then your brain explodes! Thankfully, I am quite aware of my mental state and I was sure that I did not want to be on medicine for ever and that I was perfectly fine. IF I ever start to feel 'bad' again, then I will go see my doctor and we can talk about it. SO, if you're on medicine and thinking about getting off of it, see your doctor... and probably follow their orders, don't do what I did.
Last month was the last time I took my pill. After months and months of slowly tapering off, I finally didn't need them anymore. It's been AWESOME!
First off, I started to FEEL real emotions. A few posts back I talked about being able to feel emotions but those were clouded emotions. Like, I felt happy but I never laughed, I felt sad but I never cried, if that makes sense? I knew the medication was wearing off because I started to laugh for real one day when I was watching a movie. And the more I watched, the more I laughed and laughed. It felt so good! That was the first emotion that came back. Next came sadness. I've always been emotional to begin with but, I was watching something on YouTube and it made me cry, and it felt so sad and I was like WHAT IS THIS?! It was nice to cry, I mean for reals cry, in a long time. Then I felt scared. When I was on my medication I really felt nothing at all, I was numb to everything. I almost got in a car accident one time and my heart didn't even race! No adrenaline was triggered in my body and I just went about my day. THAT's actually when I decided I should probably get off my medication. Anyway, so, the good thing about the medication I was on was that it made me pretty 'normal' in a sense that I didn't really question anything. I love paranormal stuff and I would watch a ghost show and be like 'This is so fake, why would anyone watch this? Ghosts are probably not even real' But then, I watched My Ghost Story and I got SO SCARED, it was awesome!!! Seriously, it felt like being re-born!
The final emotion that came back was anger. I hadn't felt anger in a long time. I'm talking about that anger you feel when someone disrespects your mom and you get that warm feeling all in your body. I got mad at Mallow. He did some cat thing that pissed me off and I was PISSED. I felt super bad about it but I was also happy because I got my anger back! So, part of me likes that I have these feelings back, but I also wish that some of that numbness stayed because it kind of helps it certain situations.
Anyway, I think that's all I got for now! Remember: don't live the pencil and eraser life! Live the pen life!
