The Girl Who Didn't Wait

It rained today. I was woken up by the downpour, which was unnerving but delightful. Nothing makes me happier than the rain. It reminds me of something good. It reminds me of a moment in time when things were bad, but then they got good and I was hopeful. I guess it reminds me of a character in a book, and with him came wonderful things.

I have a really cool boss, and I had the pleasure of talking to him for a long time yesterday. I showed him some of my drawings and I mentioned that I tend to make more mistakes when I draw with pencil, because I know that if I mess up I can erase it. When I draw in pen, I know I can't mess up so I don't. He said it was all in my head. I also told him I hadn't gone to the beach all summer and that I didn't have time.

Later, I asked him his secret for having a cool life. Said boss man was spending the next day (today, Saturday) at the shooting range with Keanu Reeves. He told me that his secret was to just do it, just go for it. He told me that I am living a pencil and eraser life, and that if I kept living that way, I would keep erasing everything and not more forward (he didn't say all that exactly, but it's basically what he meant) He told me that if I wanted to go to the beach, then I have to go to the beach. And that mentality should spread through all aspects of my life. That's how he has such a cool life. He just lives.

Recently I discovered that I live really close to a new arcade, and in the past month I've been there 4 times. One of those times, I got to meet some super cool dudes that I would never have met if I spent all my time at home, sleeping. I feel like I am on the cusp of something great, like the new chapter of my life is beginning. I just need to grab that pen and start writing.

Less than 2 months until vacation.

I Can Feel Things!

I am now able to fully appreciate songs and with that appreciation comes feelings. I have been feeling a lot of feelings lately. Think of the wide spectrum of human emotion and I have felt it. From warm and tingling happiness to heart breaking, chest pain-wrecking sadness. It's weird to feel things now, when I spent such a long time feeling nothing at all, and when I did feel stuff it was uncertainty and being scared.

When people think of depression they think that the person is sad all the time and probably wears a lot of black clothes. But in reality, a depressed person looks and behaves normally for the most part. I guess, in a morbidly obese way, it's why a lot of people are shocked when someone they know commits suicide. "I didn't know how depressed they were. They always seemed so happy!"

I addition to feeling things, I am also in tune with my body due to not taking birth control anymore! Fight the power! But another side affect of not taking birth control is having more access to my girly emotions. But this is a good thing! I get sad at certain points of the month when most girls want to watch sappy movies and eat chocolate all day. Wait... that's me all the time! LOLZ jk. But for cereal, it's strange to feel thing things I've gone years without feeling.

I went to see the doctor recently and he wanted to know why I hadn't gone to see a psychiatrist yet. I guess I didn't really think about going because I felt OK. But, I only feel this way due to the medication I am taking. I need to fix the underlying cause of my phobia and anxiety. I think about it and then I put it out of my mind but I know I can't take medicine forever, and I don't want to. But I am also afraid that if I go off of it, I will fall back into bad habits again.

Fortunately for me, a leading cause of my anxiety, frustration, anger and sadness is now gone. However, it left a hole that I now have to fill with something. For a while it was burritos. But then I realized that missing piece was a purpose. Today, I started getting my stuff together so I can start applying to Fullerton. Going to Fullerton was a "goal" but it wasn't really, it was just something I said so people would be like, "Oh man look at this girl! She is going places!" But today I realized I DO want to go there, and I want to go there BAD. And that is my purpose.

Due to me being mentally unstable and not being able to finish a bunch of classes, my transfer is taking longer than normal. But in a little over a year, as long as I do not fall off track, I will be able to transfer. Of course, acceptance into the school is not guaranteed, but that is not stopping me. I want to have a purpose, I need to have one. Otherwise I am a leaf twirling in the wind, stopping wherever there is an obstacle.

While I was thinking about life, as I often do while I'm driving home from work late at night, I thought about how much I wanted to be a sound effects person when I was little. I LOVED watching Movie Magic on Saturday's and I thought it was so cool how movies were made. In fact, watching behind the scenes stuff on Blu Rays is almost better to me than the actual movie. For some reason, the sound effects portion of movies is what really stood out to me. When I was little, I wanted to be that person so bad! When I watch movies to this day, I am always aware of the sounds. I guess that's why I love movie soundtracks so much. How does one become the sound affects person? I dunno, but that'd be cool to do still.

In other news: SPACE! I am reading The Martian because Matt Damon. The book reads like a journal and I am curious how that will translate into a movie. I am thinking it might be along the lines of Cast Away? But I've never seen Cast Away so what do I know! I'm also watching Ascension on Netflix, a Sy Fy original min series. The first three episodes got me like WHAAAT? So I am excited for the conclusion of this crazy tale.

In conclusion, I am going on vacation in about 2 months and I am so excited! I haven't been on a LEGIT vacation in over 15 years. I'm talking about taking two whole weeks off and actually going places! Then coming home and doing nothing! AAHH I can't wait!!! More on that another day though, for I am coming down with a case of the lazies. I should really consider sleeping more often.

I feel Weird

It's hard to differentiate between sadness and depression when these feelings were normal for so long. Back in the day, I would feel blue and it was just another day for me. I didn't know that I wasn't supposed to feel that way, or that it wasn't normal to feel like that all the time. Now that I am two years into recovering my emotions, it's easy to tell the difference between genuine sadness and a case of the Monday's, because there isn't a little grey cloud hovering over my head 24/7.

I fell asleep early tonight because I had an early day, then I played basketball, and I was doing homework when I just dozed off. I woke up a couple hours later and I just felt sad. And I knew it was sadness, and not just me thinking I was sad, if that makes sense. Today I was about to cry over the stupidest thing and I thought to myself, "Really? WTF are you gonna cry about that for?" It's been kind of an emotional week. I don't really have anyone to turn to when I'm sad anymore, so I just kind of cry it out and try to go on with my day and I know that this feeling will pass, and it's normal to be sad sometimes, and I don't dwell on it.

One thing I learned from my whole mental situation is that I coped with things in the wrong way. Instead of addressing my emotions, I would bottle them up and just wait for them to be buried so far down, they didn't bother me anymore. But the problems never went away, they festered down there in the pit of my soul, and the next time they flared up, it was twice as bad as the first time. And it would continue like that until I finally broke.

I used to listen to a mindfulness CD in my car to help with my driving anxiety. There were 6 tracks and each one was meant to help you cope with emotions and different types of anxiety. I probably shouldn't have listened to it in the car, but it was the only way I could drive myself to work! Anyway, one of the tracks talks about a stressful day, like maybe something bad happened at work or you remember something bad that happened and you feel a panic attack coming on. Instead of trying to forget about the problems, the CD tells you to look the problem head on. To NOT hide the fear or anxiety, but to know that it IS there and you have to deal with it. That anxiety, fear, sadness, are all natural emotions and it's OK to have them. The CD, along with it's accompanying work book, really helped me get down to the root cause of my problem and figure out that I was coping with my issues in the completely wrong way.

Anyway, lately I have been feeling down in the dumps for a couple of reasons. The main issue is that I gained a bunch of weight and I feel ashamed of myself. Maybe ashamed is the wrong word, I just feel gross and ugly. I let all that hard work go to waste just because I was too lazy to go outside for a walk. I also feel tired all the time. And you KNOW that I get SO MAD when I get woken up from my sleep. LIKE SO MAD. I have bee sharing a room with my nephew because he loves to spend time with me, but he has no regard for people sleeping and does whatever the heck he wants and all hours of day or night. On top of that, my body has been acting weird... maybe it's that I'm getting used to all this weight gain but I feel swollen and bruised and stuff hurts all the time, like my feet. Also, I feel overwhelmed with all the school work I have, only because my time management has been straight shit these past couple of weeks.

The good thing is that I know how to deal with all these issues, and I will deal with them individually instead of letting it all get so crazy that I just shut down. So, today I went to play basketball and I made sure I didn't over eat. I started on my homework so I won't fall behind (even though I fell asleep half way through) and I will make sure my nephew understands that I work late and he shouldn't be rude and wake me up! I know that losing weight will take time, and I just need to keep up with my studies and all will be fine. Finally, I am sad because this one guy who used to be my best friend but then dumped me twice is leaving for 4 years and I feel weird about it and I know I shouldn't because he's a jerk. But I can't help but miss him.

2 Years Later

More than a year ago, I wrote an e-mail to myself to be delivered at a random date into the future. I don't remember when it was supposed to be delivered, but I dread the day that it shows up in my inbox. I'm afraid that I will not recognize me from the past. I also know that it will make me very sad.

For the past few weeks I have been listening to music on the radio. It's been two years almost to the day that I could only listen to talk radio for two reasons: a) I didn't want to listen to music because I would attach my current mood to music and I didn't want to destroy songs for myself and 2) Listening to people talk calmed my nerves.

Two years ago on Mother's Day was when my depression started, I guess. By the end of that year I was HELLA depressed and anxiety ridden. God, what a terrible way to end 2013. 2014 started off well enough, but that took a turn for the worst right after Valentine's Day. Anyway, Mother's Day came, almost unnoticed, until I was driving home that night. I was in my car, singing along to a song, when I realized that I COULD actually listen to music! When did that happen, I asked myself? I dunno, like three weeks ago I guess. There are some songs that I like listening to! It seems like something so stupid, but just IMAGINE, I have been listening to NOTHING but talk radio in the car for the past two years! And now I feel like I don't have to. Just like that.

I'm listening to music right now! Usually I would just have something on TV as background noise so I wouldn't have to listen to my own thoughts. BUT, I am listening to music right now, omg I could cry. I know I sound like a crazy person BUT WHATEVER.

OK, so a ton of stuff has transpired since I last updated. I went to Watsonville and it was more fun than I thought it would be! We did everything I said we would and surprisingly, I wasn't tired by the trip at all! I mean, I wasn't refreshed cuz it felt like work but it wasn't bad. The cake was OK.

I moved to Aliso Viejo and I couldn't be happier! I love it here, uuggghhhh sooo much! I am so glad I left Garden Grove. I just hate everything about that place and anything OVER THERE. I am much happier down here where there's more people than traffic lights. This is a nice quiet city. I live with my sister, her BF and my nephew. I wasn't too sure about the arrangement but I guess it doesn't really matter since I'm hardly home anyways. I like spending more time with Andre, he sure is adorable! The only thing that bugs me is that Andre snores like an old man!

Jamella got me a belated bday present! It's an adorable little kitten that we named Artemis. She loves snuggling and sleeping and she is so freakin cute and perfect in every way! She gets along with Mallow and the dogs that live here. So great! I just wish kittens could stay little forever.

I am just finishing school for the semester. Slowly but surely going places... dunno where, but I'm going. Speaking of which, I got a promotion at work! I now make slightly more money (I think) and I get a sweet new title which means I do what I've always been doing, but now people will be like "HEY! You know how to do stuff right?" and I'm gonna be like, "YES" but secretly I'm gonna be like, "Uhhhh I dunno but lets give it a shot!" Which, lets be honest, is how everyone at the top thinks.

To wrap up this bit of randomness I would like to say that, for the first time in 2 years, I feel like I am becoming myself again. It feels nice.

Lonely Dick

The other day my nephew asked me if I had a boyfriend. I told him no. He said, "You will get one soon. And he will be handsome." I don't know why he told me that, but kids are kind of intuitive, so maybe he knew that I felt lonely.

It randomly popped into my head that I have been single for almost a year. Being single is great! You can do what you want, when you want, and no one is there to question you. But to me, that's the problem with being single. I guess the hardest part is not having someone to talk to about the boring things that happen every day. Yes, I have friends and co-workers I can talk to but, they are not someone who I can be intimate with intellectually. That's that saddest part.

As a kid, you have your family to talk to. Your siblings who will begrudgingly listen to all your boring school stories. You also have best friends you can tell everything to. But as adults, everyone is busy, and although friends listen, they are not there 24/7 because they have their own lives to live. Now I live alone, with Mallow, after living with someone for 5 years. When I come home I am greeted with snuggles and kitten kisses but humans crave other human interaction. Although I may or may not sometimes talk to Mallow, I do wish someone was here to talk to at the end of the day. That's the part I miss the most.

Next week I will be moving from Garden Grove to South OC. I do not like this city, and I do not like Orange County in general, but circumstances being what they are, I am forced to live here for at least another year. If I am going to be here still, then I am going to live where I was the happiest. I am moving to Aliso Viejo. Nestled between rolling green hills, people on bikes, and bleached-blonde OC moms, I will be.

I dunno what this summer or next year will bring, but I will keep my heart open and maybe my nephew's words will come true... for the record, he doesn't HAVE to be handsome. HEHEHE!!!

PS. I watched 3rd Rock from the Sun. You'd think that a show about aliens, one of which is Joseph Gordon-Levitt, would be awesome to ME of all people. But I was, sadly, quite disappointed with it. #whatdoiwatchnow ???

4 Seasons

For some reason, 4 Seasons of Loneliness popped into my head randomly tonight, so I HAD to listen to it, which brought me back to middle school HARDCORE. Boyz II Men were HAWT back then. Now I'm listening to Boyz II Men radio on Pandora which is filled with songs of love and loss, and also MIDDLE SCHOOL. Those were weird times, AMIRITE?

Any-who, THIS WEEKEND I have the pleasure of driving to Nor Cal with my mom, aunt, sister and Nephew probably. Depends on junk. According to my list of things to visit this year, I need to hit up San Jose to tour the Winchester Mansion! However, my trip schedule is hella (HAH) tight, so I don't know if I can squeeze it in, which makes me sad. BUT, do not fret my pretty, cuz the year is young and summer is just around the corner!

This here jar, this is an olive jar. This jar is quite big. When I fill this jar to the top, I am going to cash it in and use the funds to go on my dream vacation of driving all around California and the surrounding states. I haven't been on a road trip since I drove from Virginia to California back in the day... I dunno, 2006? Yeah, that seems right. The jar is about 1/3 full right now (if my math is correct). So I'm hoping that it will be filled by the end of the summer. You guys are more than welcome to add money to this jar! Help a brotha out!

And of course, keeping with the UP theme, I labeled the jar accordingly!

And furthermore, with the UP theme, when I first started this blog back in, what, 2010? Yeah that seems right, it was to chronicle my move from San Marcos to beautiful Orange County.

WELL, look at me now, MOM! I am moving again! Tomorrow I will know for sure where I am moving to, and once I know, I will be sure to continue chronicling my CRAAZY adult years. But enough about that for now. Back to the Nor Cal trip! Apparently a distant relative of mine is having a Quincianera so we are all driving to Watsonville. Never heard of it? That's OK! No one has. For reference, it's just 30 minutes South? North? I dunno, 30 minutes away from Santa Cruz. The itinerary goes as follow:

Friday

• Leave at 8am even though I wanted to leave Thursday night  
• Drive for 9 + hours up the 5
• Listen to mom and aunt gossip for the entire trip
• Get lost in the mountains for an hour
• Burgers
• Back track and get to Watsonville at approximately 9pm

Saturday

• Try to sleep in as my mom forces me to get up so we can go see relatives
• Say hi to relatives I have not seen in almost 10 years
• Awkward conversation about how I'm 30, single, and childless ensues
• Loudly proclaim that I love penis so they don't think I'm a lesbian
• Embarrass my mom and shame our family in the process
• Get ready for Quincianera
• Church
• Party
• Cake
• Get drunk on cake and alcohol
• Pass out

Sunday

• Wake up early to say bye to relatives
• Mom and aunts gossip 
• We leave too late, past 9am
• Hit traffic
• Drive to Palm Springs
• See brother for a few hours
• Drive back to OC
• Drop mom off at car
• Pass out

Although the idea of driving for so long without being able to listen to my heart wrenching late 90's R&B makes me more sad than when I cry silently listening to the music (gasp for air) I am excited to drive that long for the first time in YEARS! It will be good practice for when I go on my road trip! I guess I will need to come up with a cool play list that will last me at least 9 hours... 

I will, of course, take copious amounts of pictures and post them all over the internet, so follow me on Instagram, Twitter, and/or Snapchat if you're interested in what I'm up to! 

And I know you are. Don't lie.

Finally, happy belated birthday to my little angel, Mallow! He turned 1 last month and I forgot! I'm a bad cat mommy lolololol!

Time to Adventure!

This blog has not lived up to its name sake and I figured it was time to change that. Now that I have a neat car that wont break down, I am not afraid to drive! I figured I would spend the year exploring California and the surrounding states. I really want to see the Grand Canyon because I've never seen it and I think it would blow my mind! I also want to see Meteor Crater because SPACE! Since I live in a cool part of California already, I thought I would start locally by exploring LA and San Diego. As the year progresses I want to go up to Nor Cal and see all that cool stuff up there. In no particular order, here's the stuff I wanna see:

• Redwood trees cuz DAYUM DEY BIG (101)
• A legit surf town (Cruise down PCH)
• Santa Monica 
• Alcatraz (San Francisco)
• Get over my fear of open water (Travel to Alcatraz, also San Francisco)
• Santa Cruz cuz I left my name there on a DDR machine many years ago and I wanna see if it's still there
• Cows (middle of nowhere on the 5)
• LACMA
• The Getty
• Climb some mountains (all over California/Palm Springs)
• The Winchester house (HELLA HAUNTED - San Jose)
• Go on a hike (the desert, also all over California)
• See the Milky Way (Death Valley)
• That one castle 
• Museums in San Diego (Balboa Park)
• Dinosaurs
• The Grand Canyon/Meteor Crater
• Purple Mountains
• Yosemite

Those are the things that come to mind right now, there are LOTS of things to do in California! I think that eventually I want to travel to a different country, probably Italy! So many famous art pieces D: Well, my first day of adventuring started with Disneyland! 

I live about 10 minutes away from Disneyland and since I renewed my annual pass, I've been trying to go often so it doesn't feel like a waste of money. My usual round involves me walking around California Adventure and drawing at the Animation Academy. But yesterday I did things that I didn't normally do and it was pretty fun.

The day started late, because I got there at around 1pm. The park was pretty busy for a Thursday, and I later was told that the kids in Anaheim were still on vacation and that's why it was busier than usual for a Thursday. I got an app called Map My Walk and I used it during my trip!

The top part that looks like a hand sticking out from a lamp shade is Disneyland and the little squiggle at the bottom is DCA. I didn't do much there this time because I had to leave by 4:30. ANYWAYS, I walked around Disneyland looking for something to do that didn't involve me waiting in line for more than 30 minutes, so I stumbled across the Golden Horseshoe! It's an old timey saloon that serves a bunch of greasy food and you get to watch a show every hour or so. 

I used to love watching Bill Hill and the Hillbillies but their show has been cancelled for some time now... I think. Instead, you get to watch a skit that involved the audience and it's a hilariously good time!

While walking around Fantasy Land, I happened to come across a taping of Wheel of Fortune. It was cool! They sure are old now. The line for Dumbo was long so I didn't want to go on it and try to get on TV. Also, why does Dumbo look hella drunk on this ride?!

In Fantasy Land I went to see Mickey's Magic Map. I'd never seen this show. In fact, I hadn't been to that area since I watched the Snow White play waaaaay back in the day, so I was excited to see a show on that stage!

The show consists of Mickey trying to paint a map, except that a little black blob wont stand still so he can paint it. The map is hella magic so you go to different lands. This was my favorite part because POCAHONTAS! She sang that river bend song, then Mulan sang her song, and finally Rapunzel came on and sang her song. There was a lot of singing! The moral of the story: do not let anyone try to change who you are, because you are perfect. Thanks Mickey!

This is a fountain! It lights up super cool at night. Too bad it was daylight.

After the show I walked out of Disneyland and headed to DCA (Disney's California Adventure, for those of you not in the know) and I wanted to go to the Animation Academy to end the day with a super neat drawing. But on my way there, I saw some sings for Frozen Fun. At first I went UUUGGGHHH, when I entered the park, the place was bombarded with signage for Frozen Fun. There was a giant snowflake near Walt's statue! I didn't go into the Animation Academy, instead I took a left and went to what used to be the Mad Hatter's Tea Party, but is now Frozen Fun! (That exclamation mark is sarcastic)

This was the only part I liked. So I guess at night there's a Frozen dance party and there's an area where you can play in the snow? I didn't stay long enough to check that out, but I was intrigued by this:

 

They got rid of Muppet 3D and replaced it with Anna and Elsa's castle. The decor for the place was actually super cool because they had original art work all over the place as you were lead to the ball room aka the waiting area. 

 

The ball room was decorated just like Anna and Elsa's castle, that was super cool! This was the longest wait of the day at 30 minutes. When we were let into the theater, we were greeted by Arandelle's very own historian and we were told the story that everyone already knows. But the cool part was that as the story was being told, the audience got to sing a long to some of the songs. It was funny and hella awkward. We were all encouraged to sing. I didn't. But this little girl behind be was belting out Let it Go like she was a Grammy award winning singer and it was hilarious. 

Here we have the whole crew, including a very Asian Elsa which was funny to me. Also if you look closely, Elsa made it snow! The show offered some neat lighting effects which made it seem like Elsa had super cool powers. I guess that's neat, if  you're a little kid and all.

After the show I headed back to Downtown Disney. I never got a chance to draw anything but that's OK, I'll go back and do it next week! I watched Into the Woods at AMC and it was pretty good, for a musical. Also surprisingly funny. All in all, it was a good Thursday!

I hope I didn't catch the measles, though...

Future Virtuoso

Once upon a time, in a far away land called Valley Center, a little girl waited patiently for her parents to come home. As the light of day began to wane, a streak of blue metal came rushing down the dirt path towards the house. It slowed and came to a halt in front of the window, and out of this brand spanking new mini van came her parents. The little girl and her siblings ran outside to see this wonderful new thing. The mini van smelled like plastic and leather, the seats were soft and clean, and as the little girl sat in the back seat, she wished that one day, she would have a car of her own. 

Well little girl, your dream has finally come true! 

Last month I went down to the Honda dealership and I purchased my very first car! It's a used 2012 Honda Civic an it's BEAUTIFUL! My old car was old and constantly breaking down so I traded it in and never looked back! 

I always associated getting a new car with adulthood. "When I get a new car," my teenage self said, "it will finally mean I am an adult!" Well, I guess I have finally become that? UGGGHH. As my big birthday draws near, I feel like I am turning more and more into the adult I fought so hard to become. But I always tell myself that age is nothing but a number and age does not signify wisdom or maturity. Life's little adventures teach us valuable lessons, regardless of how old you are, and it's up to us to live the life we want, how we want, and not how society tells us to live it. DAMN THAT WAS A LOT OF COMMAS.

Well, new year, new resolution time I guess. I already made my resolution list and stuffed it away in my brain where no one will see what I will fail at this year, HAH! To be completely honest, a big chunk of 2014 sucked SUPER HARD and left a big gaping black hole in my heart, but also another big chunk of if was super freakin' amazing! I do not want to dwell on the bad, so I fill the void with LOTS OF THINGS, you know, to cover the sadness... D: but seriously, as a human bean, I am feeling a lot better. No more brain problems for me! MEDICINE WEEEE!

I feel like a leaf in the wind, twirling through the air, with no real purpose. Maybe soon I will find that purpose I so desperately need... or think I need. 

In the mean time, I'm going to enjoy my THINGS and take some road trips in my sweet new ride. 

Oh, one thing I want to do more of in 2014 is write, cuz writing is FUN! HAPPY NEW YEAR!