I Am Fat Princess

I came across this video today. Watch it before you read on. Before and After

My entire life I've been told I'm chubby or fat. My family members would lovingly call me "gordita" which means little fat girl in Spanish. I remember when I was in school we had to weigh ourselves for some stupid class project in the third grade. I obviously was the heaviest person in my class and up until that day, I didn't think or care about my weight. But after the teacher posted our weight next to our names, everyone would come up to me and ask, "You really weigh THAT much?" I remember that day very clearly because I asked myself, as a little third grader, "What's wrong with my weight?" and I thought there was something wrong with me.

I've always loved food and I've always been a good eater. I wasn't always "over weight" but I was a little chubbier than most kids. I've always been quiet and shy, so for most of my school life I had very few friends and I spent most of my time observing other kids. I always had very strong opinions of myself and I never thought myself as fat or overweight or morbidly obese. I just thought of myself as ME, as Maritza. The girl who loves drawing. The girl who loves watching shows about aliens and ghosts even though she gets scared. The girl who plays video games and spends her days reading fantasy novels about dragons. My weight didn't define me in my eyes. But it did defined me through other people's eyes.

To be honest, the only time I ever thought about my weight was when SOMEONE ELSE would bring it up. To be honest, I have always been perfectly content being ME. Yes, I am fat, but I am happy. And as it was illustrated in the video I linked above, you can lose all the weight and be physically "beautiful" according to others, but you can still be unhappy. I can remember pretty clearly all the times others have said that I need to lose weight or I am too fat. My mom took me to two different nutritionists and even signed me up for a trainer at the GYM so I could be thin and fit in I guess. On one of those trips the doctor weighed me and I was at 219lbs. I had actually recently lost some weight because I started playing DDR. I thought I looked pretty good! But the doctor said I needed to lose at least 60lbs. to be normal. I thought he was crazy because I felt perfectly normal.

This is DDR me!

High school is a rough time for lots of kids because everyone wants to be cool and fit it. I don't know what it was about me but fitting in was not even on my radar. I had my few friends and I was perfectly content. I randomly happened to lose weight in high school because I started working, so instead of spending my days sitting on a couch playing video games, I was walking around and inadvertently getting exercise. People noticed but did that make me more popular? No. Did boys start asking me out? No. Was I happier because I lost weight? No. This only cemented my belief that looks don't matter, what matters is who you are on the inside. I was 16.

As life went on I remained pretty much at the same weight. Although I was fat I still had friends. Although I was fat I still had awesome jobs. Although I was fat I still had super hot boyfriends. Being fat didn't stop me from living my life, because being fat didn't define who I was in my mind, but like always, it defined who I was for other people. My sister told me once that my mom was scared for me because I was getting so fat. I lost boyfriends because they thought I had gained too much weight. I was still the same person, just bigger, and that didn't fly with them.

I am stubborn. I will not do anything for other people if I don't want to. When people would say I had to lose weight I wouldn't listen to them because I was happy with myself. I have always been fat, I am used to my body. I didn't think there was anything wrong with me. I always saw it as THEY felt something was wrong with me. So, it wasn't until -I- realized I was too fat that I decided to change FOR MYSELF.

I think that when you do something for no one other then yourself, then you will be successful. I never thought "OMG I have to lose weight!" I always thought that I just needed to be healthier. This super hawt young bod can only take so much and it's getting old so It's time to cut back on the chips and soda! The funny thing is that even though I was losing weight for myself, I wasn't losing weight fast enough for some people. But what they didn't realize is that I was doing this for myself, not them. I wasn't trying to please them at all. I was doing it FOR ME. So although progress was slow, I was still super happy when I lost just one pound!

At my thinnest I weighed just under 200lbs. Circa 2007

You can be skinny and be ugly. You can be all muscles with 7% body fat and be ugly. You can be a celebrity and be ugly. You can be smart and be ugly.

Your beauty, as cliche as this is, comes from within. You can lose weight, build muscle, get plastic surgery and be physically beautiful but that won't change WHO YOU ARE or how you feel about yourself. Don't let other people define who you are.

I have lost weight and I am happy, I was happy when I was 40lbs heavier. My weight doesn't define who I am, even when I am within "normal" weight, I will still be the same person. I will still draw, play video games, read, and watch scary alien shows on TV. I will still feel sad when I see old people on the street and I will smile when I see little kids cry (lolol). My weight doesn't define who I am because no matter what the scale says, I know I'm still super awesome!


The moral of the story is: BE HAPPY with who you are. Be happy with yourself. Because if you are not happy with who you are, how can you make others happy? You are allowed to be selfish. You are allowed to love yourself first before you can even start to love others. Lose weight because you WANT to. Wear make-up because YOU want to. Be smart, go to school, bake a cake! Do these things because YOU WANT TO. And even though you may stumble and fall, do not give up on yourself. You are worth it! Get up, dust yourself off, whistle a little tune and keep going. 

Time to have pizza for breakfast! BECAUSE I WANT TO! Because I can!

Love & Loss & Love & loss: The Saga Continues

This is my journey of love (of food) and loss (of weight). It's a tale of struggle, triumph, struggle and getting used to change. So it was...

A million years ago, it seems, I was in the bathroom when I decided to weight myself, ya know, for the fun of it. I stepped on the scale and saw the number. It was the heaviest I had ever been. I wasn't necessarily shocked but it did give me pause. After weighing myself I looked in the mirror. I looked at my body from every angle. I weighed myself again. I cocked my head to one side and wondered, "I should probably try to lose some weight."

At the time I still hadn't had my back surgery so my flexibility was non existent and exercise was out of the question, so I started small. I stopped drinking soda and juices. Eventually Vince got in on the action and started his weight loss journey as well. Thanks to him I learned a lot about cutting back on cheeses, sauces and all those little extra calories that you don't need. I was able to basically keep eating a lot of the same stuff, just modified versions and smaller portion sizes.

After my surgery I started exercising. I absolutely hate traditional exercise like A LOT. So I tried to do non traditional exercises like Just Dance and playing DDR. Eventually Vince and I started playing a lot of basketball which is my most FAVORITE sport EVER. For a while basketball and the elliptical were my only forms of exercise. Vince was completely devoted to his weight loss and life style change so he lost more than 50 lbs while I lagged behind at 30-ish lbs. I was a lot less dedicated than he was.

I kind of gave up on the whole weight loss thing for about a year. I didn't gain the weight back which was good, but I didn't really try to lose anything either. I still didn't really drink any sugary drinks besides soy milk, water, unsweetened iced tea and diet coke. Whenever I went out to eat I would modify my food slightly to reduce my caloric intake i.e. no sauces or cheese.

When I finally decided to get back into it, I got into it HARD. I went to a trainer and she showed me how to tone my body and strengthen my back. I exercise every day. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And this time around, I am not really all about losing weight although I am still trying to do that, but my main focus is toning and strengthening my body. Here's my exercise regimen in no particular order.

Just Dance 30-60 minutes
Strength training 60 min
Yoga 30 min
Intense strength/cardio 30 min

Basically I alternate between cardio and strength. So, for example, if I play Just Dance today for 60 min I wont do strength and vice versa. I do, however, do the intense cardio/strength every day. Yoga is random depending on my mood but it helps me stretch which feels super good.

So, the other day I went to Boomers and played DDR for an hour. I felt SO strong and light. I was sweating up a storm but I was not winded like I used to be. My legs felt powerful and it felt good to move so fast! Although I am constantly sore I feel really, really good! My body hasn't changed dramatically since starting this new strength training stuff, BUT, I know that I am losing inches because although the scale stays pretty much the same, all my clothes fit SO MUCH BETTER!

The best day of my life was when I went to the store to get clothes and for the first time in a long time I didn't have to shop in the plus size section. I actually like buying clothes now. I went from an XXXL to just an XL/L. So close to medium LOLOLOL

Since the beginning of this weight loss journey I've dropped two (almost 3) dress sizes! I've lost a total of 41 lbs and I am not even half way to my goal, or to what is considered healthy for my height. But I know I'll get there it will just take time and will power! I think the hardest part for me is that I do not mind indulging. Like, I know I shouldn't have cookies but I do anyway. That's one of the things I have to work on. One once in a while is ok... right? :D

In addition to exercise I also use My Fitness Pal to monitor my caloric intake. Right now it's set at 1250 a day, which is really not that much. Some people actually eat 1200 calories IN ONE MEAL but if you exercise you have to eat a little more which is awesome! Here's a sample of my foods from a couple of days ago:

Breakfast

• A cup of light soy milk
• 1.5 cups of cinnamon toast crunch (this is actually a lot of cereal lololol)

Lunch

• Cliff bar
• cup of Light soy milk
• Protein powder (for after exercising lololol)

Dinner

• Chicken breast
• Bell peppers, onions
• French roll 

Snack

• 1 chocolate chip cookie

 
For the entire day I had 1210 calories. I also eat a lot of bananas and apples so if it's between lunch/dinner and I'm hungry, I will eat fruit. It barely helps with the hunger to be honest but you must suffer for beauty D: The hunger pains have gotten a lot better because the less you eat, the more weight you lose, the less your body needs to fuel itself and your stomach shrinks. So if you're used to eating 5 slices of pizza eventually you can survive on just 2. OMG who am I kidding who can only eat 2 slices of PIZZA?!?!?! Lololol

I am losing weight and making my body strong because I want to be happy with myself and be able to wear cute dresses every day! I actually like the way I look now, which I didn't before. I was sort of naive. I would avoid mirrors because I didn't like the way I looked but I was too lazy to do anything about it. No one is going to change you if you don't want to change. And if you do want to change, do it for yourself, not for anyone else. Now I don't mind mirrors THAT much.

Before (December 2011)

 After (May 2014)

That's me wearing the same jacket! You can't really tell I guess but it's a lot bigger on me now... or I'm a lot smaller in it HA HA HA

We so cool in this Cali heat

Good luck on anyone out there who is also starting or is still continuing their weight loss journey :)

Chapter One

Happy Mother's Day!

Today while getting ready for work I realized two things: 1) I decided to wear the exact same shirt I wore a year ago and 2) It has been a year to the day since my life changed.

Your first thought might have been, "Wait, you remember what you wore a year ago?" I would slowly look up at you, a shadow cast over my eyes and as I whispered, "How could I forget?" (I'm listening to Beethoven and I'm feeling AWESOME lolol)

I don't want to go into the long boring details, so here are some links for your pleasure or if you are bored. Be warned: These are long.

Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five

"The day my life changed" is such a dramatic statement, but it is very true for me. How do I feel a year later? I feel absolutely amazing! It's been one hell of a ride but I think I am better for it and in some weird way I am glad that I experienced what I did but I would NEVER wish it on my worst enemy.

To be even more dramatic, it feels like I have finally broken through the surface of the deepest ocean. At first being on the other side might seem scary because you are in the middle of the ocean all alone, but then you realize that you aren't alone, there are tons of people waiting for you at the shore line, you just have to make your way back to them.

I am not ashamed to share this story with you, my beautiful reader, because I want anyone out there who is suffering the way I was to know that there is help and you WILL get better as long as you don't give up on yourself. As my mom would say, "Who will love you more than you can love yourself?" The answer is NO ONE. Always love, protect and take care of yourself first.

It's strange to think about all that has happened in a year, but as I sit here and read these old blog posts and think about what has transpired, instead of feeling sad I feel so much relief. I am glad that part of my life is over and now a brand new chapter is starting! It will not be Chapter Six though, but Chapter One in my new Book of Adventures :)

In other news, I got a new kitten! His name is Mallow in honor of Nimbus. Nimbus was named after Nimbusland in Super Mario RPG. Mallow, a fluffy cloud person, is the prince of Nimbusland except he doesn't know it yet. He actually thinks he's a tadpole lol. Mallow is a white and grey kitten that I rescued from the ghetto. He is so gentle and cuddly. He is my little buddy! He sleeps when I sleep and jumps around dangerously close to my feet while I play Just Dance. He's only two months old OMG he is so cuuuute!



Summer is coming and with that comes the disgustingly hot winds of change. No matter what, I will face all new changes with a smile because life is short, no need to spend your time cranky.

There's no point in dwelling in a dark past when the future is so much brighter.